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Are there ways to feel secure after being raised without a father?

By Anonymous January 31, 2010 - 10:33am
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I have to admit that I thought the feelings of being abandoned by my Father were over. There are always triggers that surface from time to time but after 17 years, I thought I was 'okay'. I watched a movie recently and fell to the floor in tears. The movie portrayed a Father who was in love with his daughter and would have done anything for her. The Father/Daughter love that I would never comprehend nor understand.

The reason I am writing this is because, I believe that there are many women out there that share my experience. Many children are being reared in single (women) family households. My Father was not a good man. He was very physically abusive and there is a pertinent memory of him driving an old abandoned road when I was only 5 years old, opening the car door, making me get out of the car, while he drove away and left me there.

I survived his torment and it made me the 'go getter' I am today. Am I hiding behind my determination and masking other feelings? Do you think that my 'get it' attitude removes me so far from a possible relationship?

How do move on? How do you trust men after the only thing you knew was torment, torture and a loveless relationship? What parent walks away from their children and never looks back? Does this torment them as well?

My complete frustration is 10-fold! Does anyone share these experiences?

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EmpowHER Guest

I understand this. We left my father when I was 2 and since then I've had 2 stepdads and one now who is and has not been the daddy I need. It has left a hole in my heart and given me much insecurity, self doubt, low self confidence and self esteem. I have overcome some of this and am still working and I will not let not having a daddy effect the rest of my life negatively. God has and will get me through the rest.

November 5, 2011 - 8:30pm


I am one in a group of seven friends who have been close now for about 25 years (we are all in our early 50s now). Of the group, two of the women had fathers who were absent, both with negative reasons behind their absences (abusive, etc.)

In the group, the two who lost their fathers are the two who do have the most difficulty trusting a man or -- even harder -- allowing themselves to be vulnerable when they are with a man. Both have had relationships, but neither have married. Both have had some therapy about the issue.

Both are wonderful women. Funny. Talented. Successful. Loved by family and friends. Full of life.

But this is their area of difficulty. I think that for young girls, losing their dad -- in any way -- becomes a pivotal part of who they are. I lost my dad at age 26 to cancer. My sister was 18 when he died. Both of us have wounds that still open easily over losing him. But we knew we were loved, we knew he thought we were the cat's meow, and so our wounds are very different.

You are not the only one by far. But losing your fear of being vulnerable where men is concerned may take some real work on your part. Possibly even with a therapist.

I hope that you do realize that there was nothing you could have done as a child to have changed things? And there was nothing wrong with you as a child? And that you were NOT the reason he was gone, or that he did the things he did?

When I think of him putting you out of the car on the side of the road, I just want to scream (at him) and cry (for you) and gather that little girl up in my arms and tell her that she's FINE. That there's nothing wrong with HER. It was a cruel, nasty thing that he did and I'm so sorry you ever had to experience such a thing.

I think that big losses and issues in our lives actually come back to us at different stages in our own development. It may mean we need to "get over" them more than once. At 18, you could only work through your issues from an 18-year-old's perspective. At 25, there might be other aspects to work through. Today, as you see it from yet another stage of your own life, you may have to "get over" parts of it again -- parts of it that you weren't strong enough or wise enough to handle before.

The movie clearly knocked something loose for you. I'm so sorry for your pain. But I know the growth is worthwhile.

February 8, 2010 - 10:41am
EmpowHER Guest

Hey Star,

Thanks for your comment. It truly makes me feel better when I know I am not the only one. It is tough. Learning to believe in something, certainly helps.

I am certain I will try my dardest to understand and move on from my past but it seems so hard to do...hard to let go.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

February 6, 2010 - 9:35am

hey...i wasnt abandoned from my dad but my dad what shot when i was 2 1/2 so i kinda feel how u do.
My mom told me all these things about my dad that made me think that he didnt love me. He was out doing drungs and drinking and not giving a crap about me, but when he was home he spent time with me. but to answer ur question about trusting men...i would even tho ur past is ur past i understand it still hurts but u have to trust in some one that loves u and that will be there for u

January 31, 2010 - 5:53pm
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