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boyfriend is faithful but he doesn't want to make love hardly anymore

By Anonymous March 12, 2013 - 4:06am
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I am in my early 40s and I have been dating a man in his middle 50s for five years now. When we both met, I was having complications in my second marriage, to a man a few months older than him. I will be honest, I had a couple affairs before meeting my boyfriend-and one of them was also the same age. I know it was wrong of me to do but at the time, I was begging for that "in love again" feeling, and I got sex and love mixed up. I was molested as a child by my father, a man who was supposed to love me-so I suppose I got it mixed up in my head that sex meant love. I figured that if I gave in to what the other men wanted, they would love me. I found that so untrue and realized that some men were just after that-sex and not wanting to start a relationship. I have since divorced him (we still remain friends) but I don't feel as bad because I have recently found out that he cheated on me as well, because I wasn't having sex with him because I didn't feel the "passion" in it like you would in a new affair). I didn't enjoy the sex, I enjoyed the attention I got from it. I divorced the first marriage due to abuse and so I guess I was wanting to feel loved all the time.

When I met my boyfriend, we rushed into the passion and used to have sex several times a week. We broke up for a while because at first I don't think he was in love with me, or was scared to fall in love. When we got back together, he admitted of being in love with me, and I really felt that he was the one for me. We are both musicians and play the same instrument, and upon meeting, neither of us knew this. We also have a lot more in common, so I knew he was my soul mate. The second round of our relationship was so different. I felt his love for me. We made love regularly and everything seemed perfect. Then the sex started slowing down. Twice a week, to once, to once every two weeks, to once a month, to every three months to even 8 months! Now at first I thought well, it was the occasional cocaine we did while trying to lose weight. Before you judge us, let me tell you that we are not druggies, but we did small hits every so often to curb our appetite. If we didn't have it, we didn't sell our valuables or spend our life savings on it. When we would put money up here and there and saved up and a little went a long way. I remembered that it turned him off but it turned me on-so he wouldn't touch it before we had sex. But we still had sex. And besides, we haven't done it in a couple years. Then I thought it was his work schedule and lack of sleep. When his schedule was cut, nothing changed for the better for me. Then I thought it was his weight-because my ex, who is same age, was very fit and active and then I would feel depressed cause I dated another man same age, who was heavier than him-with all sorts of health problems and this man had ED issues due to the meds he took for hypertension and he was a musician but this man used to want to have sex after his gig, and even though he didn't stay erect long, he had intercourse with me and used to perform cunnilingus to try to please me. I then remembered that my bf needed me to arouse him by masturbating him some, but he still had sex then. I tried letting him initiate it-perhaps he wanted to be in control and will want me. That is when I would wait with no results. I tried dressing sexier, dressing in outfits I know he thinks is sexy, wearing pheromones, throwing sexual hints to him about places I wanted to make love at-nothing. I arouse him or perform cunnilingus on him and he makes an excuse not to. I try to talk to him about it, but he doesn't want to talk about drama. I am bi polar and suffer depression and so I end up crying and or angered and we fight. Oh boy that is a turn off. He says I turn him off when I act out. I am frustrated-do you blame me??? It's like he is using sex as punishment. I be honest with you, I don't orgasm during sex. I only had one orgasm through intercourse (without masturbating at same time) and once during oral. I think it has to do with the molestation. I am the only one that can satisfy myself sexually. I masturbate regularly and still want him to make love to me. So I did the wrong again. I went out and had sex with two old flames couple times last year (we only did it three times last year). I cried after the first time I did this. After a couple times of this, I realized that I left unsatisfied. I still wanted my guy. They satisfied the feeling desires part, but not the emotional part that only my man can satisfy. I realized that I wanted to feel wanted and desired by my man-the man I am still in love with, even after five years. This is a first for me. I normally would fall in love, and after awhile fall out of love because they no longer made me feel in love. My bf tells me daily he loves me. He holds my hand, cuddles with me, kisses me, touches me and all. I know he loves me. He isn't cheating on me either-but I get jealous if he so much as compliments other women because I feel like I don't attract him, even though he tells me all the time how beautiful I am. He in turn gets mad because there are several men that is waiting for me and him to break up. He says I want attention and try to get them to want me. That is so not true. Yes, I love the attention, who wouldn't?? But I want him to feel like he is the lucky one that has me. He also says that I complained about how he made love to me. No that is not true. I would get upset because he didn't climax and I felt that I didn't satisfy him. I also got upset because I thought it would be fun to watch porn and then have sex, to spice things up. To watch THEN have sex. No, he would practically smother me with his body, blocking my view-watching what he wanted to watch-eyes glued to the screen. OK after awhile I began feeling like he was watching the girl get layed, while having sex with me-otherwards using my body to stimulation and fantasizing that he was doing her compliments of my vagina. I began getting jealous because of this and yes, I nicely told him it hurt and he got mad. BUT the last few times we did have sex I DID NOT complain. If he didn't climax, I figured at least he tried. I even told him to get out the porn and let him "use my body" again. I just feel like he is tired of my body and that he is tired of intimacy with me and that I don't turn him on naturally. I am hurt. I cry. I want to break up with him but I can't because I am in love with him. I don't want it every day nor every week. Once a month would please me knowing he wants me. I know I ruined things with my attitudes and stuff, but all I want is to feel wanted by the man I am in love with. I just can't seem to get him to understand. All I do is anger him. I pray he doesn't run across this during a search because he is so going to know it's me. Please what can I do or say (with out making him think I am being negative or dramatic) to make him desire me like he once did. How do I make it new again? How can I patch the bad parts I did to ruin things?? Sorry so long. I am hurting bad now.
Thank you!

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Hi Anon,

Thank you for posting. It seems that you two have been together for many years. Do you take medication for your bipolar disorder? 

I wish we had the answer to your relationship problems. However, relationships are to be worked on by two people-- not just one side. So, if you are having issues in the bedroom and this is a major problem in your relationship then this needs to be addressed to him. If this doesn't change are you ready to end your relationship with your boyfriend? would you stray again to find a man who will sleep with you?

It's important to understand that he is also older now and may simply want your company as opposed to wanting to have sex all the time. It could be hormone related, health related, a compilation of the behavior that turns him on accompanied by stress, etc. There is definitely more than one factor involved. Perhaps he would be more willing to talk about this with a counselor or therapist? 

One thing I do feel the need to point out is that the straying and the casual sex need to stop if you expect this man to be with you forever and if you really do love him. You work on what you have instead of going out of your relationship for meaningless sex with men that have no intention in loving you the way this man does. 

Wishing you the best,


March 12, 2013 - 5:25am
EmpowHER Guest

I know this is posted already but if I can get a private reply from a professional that is on this board and if you can email me advice and take this off the forum or make it where you have to sign in as member to view I would be more at ease. I just don't want to jeopardize my relationship further I might not ever get it again, lmao! Thank you!

March 12, 2013 - 5:22am
EmpowHER Guest

I promise you he isn't cheating because I am with him all the time, and when I am not he is at home. However I get sick feeling in my belly wondering if he is self satisfying himself and although I do the same, it is a bit different for us ladies. It gets bad getting jealous to something so natural but I want him to want me and I want to be the one to please him-I need him to use what he can on me! Oh I tried mentioning testosterone loss and getting some. I hold a certificate in MA (oh boy if he doesn't know it was me in the previous note, he will now! lol) so I tried talking to him about it medically speaking, without making him feel less of a man. Yes, he got upset and said it wasn't a problem. Um, I am going through beginning stages of menopause and I know I will lose estrogen and might have to take estrogen one day. I am not ashamed of it, nor will I deny it and feel less of a woman. But I told him he better take me while he can because someday I might not want it. hahaha. All I know is I DON'T want to live like this forever. I am getting older and them days will come when I won't want to be touched..but I know this, even when I didn't desire my ex, I still did it because I wanted to make him happy. That is what love is about. It just feels one sided in the bed department. To him the bed is only about sleeping. *rolling eyes* You know, in a way this is like some abused women. I left my first husband because I wasn't in love with him. He was mean and when he wanted it, he didn't turn me on (which I understand with my man now that when I get upset because he won't make love that it is a turn off. He doesn't believe in make up sex, it is a complete turn off) but some women don't want to leave due to being scared. Some women don't want to leave abuse because they are in love with the abuser. Well, my man isn't physically abusing me. He is mentally abusing me in a way. He makes me think I am a drama queen and he puts words in my mouth. He feel he is in control by controlling sex. I am unhappy but in love with him. I can't leave. I think he is a bit on the bi polar side too, but, you guessed it, he won't admit it. He doesn't believe there is such a thing. Yet he believed in ADHD and ran to doctor a few years ago, to get the meds for it, but yet he says I am not ADD either-yet I am and two of my children was Dx with ADHD. I said he shows some signs of ADD due to he gets distracted easily when he is reading (I am same way) but taking meds wasn't helping him. I got mad cause I knew he was not taking it orally but crushing it to snort in place of coke at the time. He doesn't anymore, but I was angered because he was telling me that I didn't have ADD nor was there such a thing as bi polar. I saw many patients when I worked as a nurse with either or both plus I studied and researched and I know I have it. It runs in my family. I tried showing him websites about bi polar (which some Sx are of ADHD so maybe I don't have "ADD" but I get distracted easily. When I was in school and studying and heard anyone talk, I had to start the whole paragraph over again). I told him when I have the episodes that I DON'T mean some things I say or may say. I said if I start to get where I am going to have an episode to distract me-grab me and hold me. Chances are I am feeling insecure and or jealous (my usual triggers) and if I am reminded I am loved and cared about, it will pass. But nope, he wants to get away. So I have my manic episodes then realized I have "done it again" and then the depression cycle starts...I am coming off the "high" of manic fit then I start crying knowing that I ruined something. I have ruined so many vacations because I get this way. It gets worse when I am tired. But after I have this pass, I am exhausted and have to sleep, like one who just had a seizure. It physically wears me out. I just need him to understand. I need reminders of knowing he loves me. When he doesn't want to make love, all sorts of things run through my head and I get insecure. It's a cycle that can be helped if only he would try to help me. But like I said he shows some signs of it too. He sometimes get angry at me at something I did wrong or said wrong or something I did hours ago, or even months ago-something that hurt him or he got jealous about and lash out, make me cry then he sees I am crying and a few mins later it is "oh baby, don't cry" and he is all loving. If he sees this, he will get upset cause he found out I spoke to another man about this and this man later wanted to go out with me, and when I refused, he told my bf about what I told him. Of course it was I told him that he didn't have sex with me. Nothing mentioned about feelings in this matter. I was talking to this man for a man's point of view in this matter. Alright so then I try talking to my close girl friends about it. He found out and got mad. What does he expect me to do?? Bottle it all up inside me? I need to talk to someone. One person said that I am bursting his ego. I am making him into a mean bad person, but he isn't as bad as it sounds. He is really loving and yes I know love making goes more than just intercourse. He does love on me and is very very affectionate. He is very supportive in my music, he's been doing the same thing for 30 yrs or so. I have been only for 6 yrs. I have the talent and he has gotten me gigs and let me jam with his band. He never ever put my musical abilities down. He is proud of me, and brags about me to others. I am good at playing this instrument (won't say what cause if he sees, not that he wouldn't of figured out by now, it will for sure tell) and I am a natural at it. I listen and l play it note for note. He comes to me sometimes to help figure out how to play on a new song. He also gives me or tries to give me anything I want. If I want a huge flat screen, he will find one cheap and buy it for me. If I want something in music field, he will try his best to get it for me. He is wonderful to my kids, and they adore him. He picks them up from school if they call sick and bring them home. If one of them wants to go to the mall or to the lake or beach, he says ok let's go! So please don't get me wrong.
I think he wants to be in control (not of what I do, he respects an independent lady, but he doesn't call me 50 times and ask where I am blah blah or tell me I can't do this or that) of things somewhat cause he was married to a controlling woman who was verbally abusive and wore pants in household. I know because my first husband's mother was the same way to her husband and both ex mother and ex were to me so there fore when I left the controlling family, I was free and when I got into relationships, I was "well trained" and wanted control of my life and also wanted to take the helm in the relationship thinking that he won't cheat on me if I am watching him-and yes, I am that jealous, I watch even when I am not around him! lol! ok. digging a hole.
see sign of bipolar is talking excessively (yes I am reminded) and also I wrote yet another chapter. but feels so good getting this off my chest.

March 12, 2013 - 5:18am
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