Boyfriend masturbates even though haveing a willing girlfriend

Anonymous,

I have no problem with what you say, and I can believe that you know a lot of people who are having an issue with porn. I would say, however, that if someone is in a bad relationship which would be anytime they are unsatisfied with an aspect of their partner, that they should take it as a lesson and screen for that characteristic in their next relationship (yes I think they need to move on). Too often people spend their entire lives trying to fix a relationship that will ultimately never satisfy them. If good sex is important to you then I would encourage you to have sex before you commit to a long term relationship with a guy. If the sex is not good enough, move on. There may be guys out there who are addicted to porn. Well do your part in helping Darwinism root those types out. Just dont have their children. If you do decide to have children, educate them, find a way to talk to them about negative addictions like porn and how to recognize a bad habit forming before it becomes destructive. Aside from that there is really not much you can do about it. You can argue that there should be some governmental intervention, but personaly I am dead set against any further govt spending or medaling in public affairs in the US. As far as I'm concerned the govt is poking their nose into far more than they should be as it is and the current level of govt spending is close to 50% of the income of the population as it is (not even counting this huge stimulus package that recently went through). I suppose you could always start a not for profit organization to educate the world. All of that being said I realize that this is a place to come where you can complain about the things that are bothering you, and I think that's great. I just worry that some people may take a shared aggravation and dwell on it more than is healthy. By all means blow off steam and let other women know that they are not alone out there, just please dont make the mistake of thinking that this is a problem that can be solved by trying harder. If a man is addicted to porn he is not going to stop just because he has a loving wife who is becoming less happy, or sadly even if she were threatening to leave him over it. Any addiction recovery program relies on avoiding the things that remind you of your addiction. for alocoholism they tell you not to walk down the beer/wine isle at your supermarket. if there is something you need on that isle find it in another market where it's not near the alcohol. How would you stay away from the things that remind you of internet porn? avoid using computers? avoid looking at women? Not going to happen. It's one of those things where they have to bottom out before they will want to change badly enough. And more than likely they will have to bottom out more than one time.

I would also urge you to keep in mind that not every guy who is not interested in sex with his girl and who still masturbates to porn is an addict. Some times guys feel too much pressure to perform and porn is a pressure free release. So before you go and leave an otherwise good relationship look first at that aspect, and if it turns out that the guy is just plain addicted to porn then so be it. Let him have his addiction and tell him what he is offering is not enough and that you are leaving. That is how I choose to approach relationships, you can take my advise or leave it, and while I may sound rather emphatic I certainly dont begrudge anyone their own point of view, just dont expect me to change mine :)

There is obviously some new trend going on if you look at the sheer amount of questions of this nature and the amount of readers and comments! Almost every day now, there is a question about some woman whose husband or boyfriend won't have sex with her and oftentimes she says that he still looks at porn.
So obvious!

Summers_isle,
If a man ONLY looks at porn and masturbates to it every day and is refusing sex with his wife or girlfriend, who is hot and wanting sex, then porn is definitely a problem.
If a man would rather look at simulations of sex and gets less and less interested in having relations of sex, then porn is a problem. He is becoming a voyeur and NOT a participant.
I have to say to the older married ladies out there, that unless if you are 20 and 30 something and newly married or dating, then you probably don't know what I mean.
I have a friend who just got married a year ago and her marriage never even got consummated as her new husband is so addicted to porn that he can't get aroused by his new wife. They are divorcing already. I had a friend whose boyfriend couldn't have sex with her unless he furiously masturbated as he was so addicted to jerking off to porn.
I had a boyfriend myself who loved me a lot but couldn't have sex with me because he needed more extreme sex than one girl in a bed.
I have another friend who, after only three years with her fiancee, is having bedroom trouble as they are BOTH so into porn that they can't have sex without it!
I don't care what anyone says but mark my words, in a few years we will ALL be seeing the negative effects of internet porn in our society. KIds growing up now, folks in their twenties and thirties and even early forties are growing up with and are living in a time where porn has become very socially acceptable and is making it difficult to maintain realtionships.
No, No ALL men who look at porn are addicted, but it is increasingly prevalent. And MOST men who look at porn begin to subtly objectify women in their lives; oogling more, becoming more voyeuristic.
Mankind used to be more about touch, feel, flesh. Now we are more about watching, looking, staring. hence the increasing popularity of the super fit body, the fake boobs and the revulsion towards Reubenesque flesh.
I have read articles in the Times and even Vanity fair within the last few years, about how porn is affecting men today and is the crack cocaine of the internet, as there is no end to it. One can look and look forever and not get to the back page, as it were. How addictive is that!? I have spoken to addicts and they say that what keeps them looking for hour upon hour is the fact that they feel that this perfect image exists somewhere but does it really?
I feel that focusing desire upon one another in a relationship makes for a happier and better tiem in bed. Rabbi Rabbi Boteach emphases porn's destructive effect on relationships. "Pornography breeds insatiability" and "is about fundamental boredom," he said. It creates unrealistic expectations of what women really are, and that gets marriages into trouble. This, to me, is so true.

I suppose that the real question to women is "How is your sex life". If it is bad or non existant and your man is looking at porn more that being with you then you have a problem and the porn is probably the cause. Ask men if they have a good sex life(not alone but with their girlfriend or wife) and if they say that they would rather have solo sex, then there is a problem and porn is at the root of it. If you are fine with your sex life and porn, then fine, but so many of us are not.

After really thinking about it I realized that i'm probably in the minority of guys. I guess I had always assumed that guys viewed porn like I do, however after looking through some of the articles that are in support of banning porn I'm seeing that there are definatly valid points. For me porn was a way to really feel connected to a beautiful sexual girl. I emotionally connect to the women i'm watching and try to understand the feelings she must be having. I get irritated when the porn becomes superficial "i'm just a dumb blond" crap. Strange how I could be so blind to what is driving the industry. Although I still cant help but feel like porn is not the problem but rather part of the expression of the problem.

an earlier poster said "It's always better to communicate than to resort to pornography which may make her feel ugly, rejected and cheated on"

Bear with me here, but I have to say this is just a bunch of nonsense. Pornography does not MAKE anyone feel anything. Women may feel negative emotions in response to it, however, those feelings are generated from her beliefs and her own choices. I dont know how women get it into their heads that if a man looks at porn he is rejecting them. This is not true. Men are BUILT, literally hard wired, to appreciate diversity. My liking an apple does not lessen my delight at the prospect of eating an orange later. Ask women who work in the porn industry if they feel like they are being degraded. Most porn stars who have been in the business do it because well ok the money is great, but also because they have a sense of giving a gift and of serving the wider community in a way that they enjoy. I happen to think that porn is a beautiful thing, I get to witness women who are open and feely giving their feminine gift. Often when i am watching porn that I enjoy the thing that is going through my head is "good girl". Women who think porn is purely distructive are completely missing the point. They seem to believe that men are viewing porn and thinking "yeah I would use that humping post and throw it away later", or something worse (and please feel free to enlighten me). Look porn is like anything else it can be misused. I think that because porn is about sex and sex is tied to our sexual identity (which is one of the deepest levels of identity) when it is mis used it can be especially devastating. I do not, however, think that this makes porn evil.

Yes men can spend hours on end looking at porn. Yes men CAN be addicted to porn. That does not mean that every man who looks at porn who happens to have an unsatisfied girlfriend or wife is an addict. I think women are mostly using porn as a scapegoat for an otherwise complex situation. Look at toms example, he turned to porn for relief from feeling rejected himself. I have experienced exactly the same sort of thing tom is talking about. I personally find that I CANNOT enjoy sex when the woman I am with wont allow me to please her.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that it offends me when people say that porn is the problem. It really is not 99 times out of 100. Even in the case of porn addiction, the addiction starts typically because the person is frustrated with trying to find a receptive and appreciative sex partner. The addict may have those things offered to them later and not care so much, but if those things had been present before their addiction they would never have gone looking for a substitute.

Yes I have. No willingness to even discuss it. I do not disagree that porn can be a bad thing although I don;t see it as the height of evil either.

Have you tried speaking to you wife about this? It's always better to communicate than to resort to pornography which may make her feel ugly, rejected and cheated on. Also, porn can be addictive and can make men begin to objectify the women in their lives.
I know that you are just trying to give answers to the question asker but I can't help but comment on your post.
I don't believe that resorting to porn is EVER the answer in a relationship. Talking things over, even having a guidance councellor, these things may help but porn doesn't in the long term. The longer men continue to masturbate to porn, the less pleasurable sex with a REAL women can become for them, so they get lazy and don't bother trying any more.
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-Negative-Effects-of-Porn
This is a very interestng article which speaks to this very problem. Just something to think about.

I have a WAY different take on this; granted a guy's side. I have a wife willing to 'satisfy' me but actively seems to avoid any satisfaction of her own. So she resists my touch and my strident desire to please her but quite willing is open to having sex with me to keep me happy. And she does this with a smile on her face.

I have to tell you that that is not a satisfying relationship for me and likely most guys. We really do want to please our ladies. Take that away from us and really what do we have? It is a huge deal to be able to satisfy your partner. So for me, heading to porn and masturbating makes it easier to get that quick relief than have to go through what is tantamount to rejection when I do try to please my partner. I think most guys do not just want to get off, we want to please our partners way more than you might think.

We've been together for more than 20 years and it has been this way for a long time. I've resigned myself to this path...some days are just more frustrating/depressing than others. And other days it is 'work' not to get angry about it.

Does this make sense?