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ask: Can one have a personality disorder that only exists while drunk?

By Anonymous
 
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I am a girl of 19 years of age. I go to highschool, soon finished. I have a pretty normal life with friends and a loving family and good grades at school and I would describe myself as a normal and put together individual. However, this is not the case when I am drunk. When I have had adequate amounts of alcohol I start acting really weird and innappropriate! I lose all rational sense, I lose my things, I eat food I normal wouldn't even touch, I forget what people tell me just minutes after and I forget important information. Furthermore I lie and make up weird incoherent stories! Also, I often say things that make no sense and I feel that my trail of thought is very scattered and irrational. I flirt with anyone and everyone (boys and girls too) and get very promiscuous to an extent that I could be talking to someone and suddenly just kiss them. It also happened once that I was kissing a guy whilst touching the thigh of another guy - at the same time. It's as if I want the attention from every guy and as if I want to seduce every guy - no matter who it be. I could almost go home with anyone (despite this I haven't put this thought in to action many times.. but I make weird promises to people that we could have sex etc.). My mood fluctuates between overwhelming happiness and a feeling as if I am on the top of the world and melancholy and emptiness. I say things that are embarassing, rude, peverted and generally vulgur and inappropriate and inside I cringe! I have also noticed that people look at me in a strange way: either a concerned look or sniggering. In general my behaviour is embarassing and I also can't stop talking and repeat my self a thousand times to people around me. I also have a tendency to talk about a person almost right in front of them (so they can hear it). I am always extremely ashamed of myself and I feel so depressed and embarassed when people tell me what I did the night before - Sometimes I can't even recognise myself and others have told me that it was as if I was a complete other person. This bothers me. When I get drunk I also get really friendly toward everybody and also kind of gullible. In general I would say that my mood and my behaviour is very muddled and incoherent! It's quite a contrast to my normal behaviour. Also I can drink A LOT. Eventhough I don't drink often (maximum 2-3 times monthly). When I drink I usually limit myself the amount that causes me to act so strange because it's best avoided. I always regret everything and feel as if my world is falling apart the morning after because of mere shame! I get really depressed and sad about having to face the music when people talk about it. I'm starting to wonder whether this behaviour is an underlining mental illness or personality disorder. I don't know many people that act so peculiar. I'm wondering whether the drunk me is the "real me" and the sober me is an act or a suppression of who I really am. Don't know what to say, I hope you can help. I don't know who to ask.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Anon

I have finally connected the dots, I believe strongly that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and that it manifests itself through drink, drugs, shame and heartbreak which are all intertwined. One leads to another and the mess afterwards, well... its getting too hard to bare with.

I know in my heart and head I am not a bad guy, I never want to really hurt people but in one moment, if truly honest... i don't care if i do. Then it switches and I feel like I am the worst WORST person and I dont want to cause this suffering and I dont want them to see me.

The thing people find attractive about me at first becomes the things they can't stand. I can go from absolute adoration of a person to absolute revulsion, all because I want them to love me and to not tell me I'm rubbish and don't deserve them.

People with suspected BPD were in the 27 club, Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain etc.. Then Britney Spears, Angelina Jolie, Courtney Love still alive but all of these people seemed to approach the worst of their spirals in their mid to late 20's and thats exactly the route my life feels like it is taking.

It started to really go full throttle at 25 and its getting worse and worse. I am 27 in 3 months.

Its just so difficult for people understand when it's something they cant see.

November 5, 2013 - 5:55pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Please seek some help for yourself? Do you have a doctor you can make an appointment with? BPD is a terrible form of mental illness both for the sufferer and the people around them. It's terrifying for both. Don't pay much heed to the 27 Club. You don't want to be a part of that -  don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Will you write back to us very soon?

Susan

November 6, 2013 - 11:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I recognize that personality disorder. I have been doing some research in this area myself because of what happens to me when I drink. Firstly I am older secondly my behavior tend to turn to "Jesus" experience instead, I believe I know more than anyone else. THis is embarrassing too. What I found was a substance called acetyl deHyde the the liver can't brake down in when it becomes too much. This goes strait up to your brain and causes depression (hangover) and sometimes headache. It takes more than 48 hours in fact to become sober from this. THe substance you also find in coffee and cigarettes naturally. The substance is also a cause to upper body cancer. When you react on this substance so strong you might just have an intolerance to it. BAsically, you may be allergic to alcohol and when taking too much you get a reaction just like hallucination.

September 12, 2013 - 10:05pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am so relieved I found this, no matter how long ago it was posted!
I'm not even eighteen, but I went out with my cousin and a couple friends, had a lot to drink and just completely changed. I ended up telling what one thought was a deep secret but was actually a huge, huge lie. I feel so depressed and sick to the stomach thinking about it, and worst of all I'm even more nervous they'll say something and my family will find out, oh god! I'm practically feeling worse every minute just waiting for it to happen.
I also did things I regret like flashing, and I turned into this complete friendly, over the top and embarrassing person and I just wish it hadn't been around my cousin, that makes it all worse!
I can't get over how depressed I'm starting to feel about it. I'm glad I'm not alone when it comes to the lies and the personality changes, I just wish no one had seen that side of me. There is no way I'm getting that drunk again, I need to set a limit and gain some self control and confidence.

August 22, 2013 - 3:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

So pleased I found this I started drinking at the early age of 14 and totally changed whilst drunk I compulsively lied about some terrible stuff and went home with countless men , I was still at school at the time and this totally ruined my life the whole school had found out that I lied compulsively about such terrible things and ppl to this day 8 years on still make comments about me being crazy, I'm 99% sure I have bpd which becomes exaggerated with drink I'm normal when sober and just like you whilst drunk, from living with this for 8 years be very very careful because some of the symptoms you describe will eventually overly lap and disrupt your sober life, the older I got the worse I became , please please limit your self to 2 drinks if you insist on drinking and be up front and honest with your friends and your promiscuity and lying so they know there's no real intent there and so they can look after you propery, good luck

May 21, 2013 - 4:42am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I get completely disgusted with my behaviour when I drink that I almost go into a depression about it! I feel so guilty and ashamed afterwards. And i do completely HORRID things that I would never think I was capable of. I also crave male (sometimes female...) attention when highly toxicated. And although I never sleep with guys while drunk, I kiss plenty. And even WHILE I have a boyfriend. Which makes me feel very bad about myself the next morning (If i can remember it.) I don't drink very often, but when I do, and I'm at a party, I am a complete binge drinker. I just don't have an off button. And its also detrimental to peoples image of you! Like last weekend, I over did it and flirted with my boyfriends friends (Don't remember doing it...) AND tried to actually kiss one of them (Unfortunately, I remember parts of this and I hate myself for it!) Now if he finds out, he will hate me and i will have broken his heart. All because I cannot control myself when I have too much too drink. So my advice is...DON'T DO IT IF YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT. Its not worth it, believe me.

March 19, 2013 - 9:35am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

hi!
Many researches were been conducted especially in USA rgarding personality disorder while drinking...some also were very conclusives in France, Sweden. Yes, you start making stories based on lies and your hiding twin personality...even some people can makes some good stories and other people can trust every single word you say...why? very simple because your twin hiding personality tell stories in such geat way that your real personality when you are sober can not...some people even cries and put adds to their stories...some get deffensive or even agressive...thats because they feel rejected or punished by their social environement. BUT, when you get again sober.. you regreat what you did and what said...that is a fact. So, what to do now? try to stop drinking or start with minimizing it..or simply review the way you drink and what you drink? try to fullfill your time with some thing different than what you use to do before...such as training, take some good pictures outside...dont stay a long time front of TV or chat in the net, instead start with some kind of reading you think like. Good luck!

February 13, 2013 - 6:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Thank you for the posts! It puts me at ease to know that I am not abnormal (not that I thought my experiences were unheard of, but anyway!). I think I'll just drink less when I actually do have something to drink. Very simple, I guess. I'll just have to get used to stopping at 3-4 drinks at the most for a night. I have noticed that there is a limit to how happy alcohol can make you feel - it's as if the happiness turns into sadness within one glass too much?! I don't want to sound as if I have an alcohol addiction, because I don't have a need or an actual craving for alcohol or getting drunk- I just think I have an imbalanced approach to it. I'll just have to learn from my mistakes and become comfortable with myself! Again, thank you for the posts. Much appreciated! :)

April 18, 2010 - 3:16am
julie b (reply to Anonymous)

You are very young and temporarily experiencing the same difficulties that my daughter of 33 now experiences regularly, she has borderline personality disorder and is alcoholic also suffers pscycosis induced by alcohol, she has abused her body and mind with alcohol and the lack of inhibitions through the effects of binge drinking has used drugs.

This has ruined her life and our family relationships ,including the childrens relationship with their mum, who they sadly no longer live with, it is very difficult to support her as she is a different person each time we see her, not knowing if she is drunk, coming down depressed, hyper, or psychotic. Its heartbreaking. while trying to keep her children happy and protect them from the harsh reality. "PLEASE TAKE NOTICE OF THE PROFESSIONALS" your life is precious and its difficult clawing your way back, and much easier not to go there in the first place. Be Happy and keep yourself safe. it all started with excesive binge drinking Pleas don't lose yourself !

July 2, 2010 - 2:56am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your question and welcome!

It's very unlikely that you have a personality disorder that manifests itself through alcohol.

Alcohol changes your brain, just like any other drug. It literally changes the chemistry of your brain. These chemical changes cause people to do and say things they normally would not do and say when sober. And like with other substances, mood alters depending on how much we drink. Two or three drinks can cause euphoria. Seven or eight drinks can cause feelings of depression. The brain changes along with the amount of alcohol consumed.

You need to stop binge drinking (4-5 drinks or more in one session) and simply have one or two. Drink to enjoy the drink, not to get drunk. We can all go on a session once in a while but it shouldn't end up the way your binges end up. You may be able to consume a lot of alcohol but you are not able to handle it well at all. This is due to the chemicals involved.

Your sexual behavior has not gotten you in trouble yet but be very careful here. You may end up having sex you say you want while drunk, but would never do sober. And being aggressive with others (this is common when drunk) may get you in a fight you won't win.

Bottom line: you cannot handle alcohol very well at the moment. You may want to stop drinking completely until you are able to put the drinks away after two. Then you can enjoy a nice cocktail or glass of wine without waking up from a blackout or being very embarrassed about the night before. You are still young. It's tricky going from the teens to the 20s, I know, but you want to do it while having fun - safely. Stick to juices for now, and have fun without drinking. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun - spending a Saturday night without a cocktail but I did it with all my pregnancies (abstained completely) and had just as much fun. Then you'll see people acting like you used to and think "oh no! was that me?!"

On a more serious note - check into what's known as alcohol induced psychosis. It's not pretty: http://www.psychtreatment.com/alcohol_related_psychotic_disorders.htm

Tell us what you think about this info and we wish you the best!

April 17, 2010 - 10:56am
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