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ask: Does he really want me or am i convenience?

By Akumadoll
 
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Well where to start....my minds all over the place and its a bit complicated!

Lately me and my bf have just seemed to grow apart, weve been living together for about a year but we have been together on and off for about 5 years.
when i say on and off we were only 16 when we first got together and he ended up cheating on me after 2 yrs so we broke up.

About a year and half later started talking again and ended up getting back together and things were great! he wrote love letters, poems and gave presents and was just oh so romantic and we were in love completely.

now most of the time we are like 2 separate people living separate lives who happen to live in the same house...
He doesn't have a job, he writes music and does bits of graphic design from home which means he is just constantly on his computer, meaning all i get is a grunt whenever i try to talk to him!

When i do manage to tear him away and get his attention (usually when he moves for food or to use the WC!) he usually gives me a cuddle and a kiss and he might tell me he loves me and then he goes straight back to the pc and will stay on it until 2am playing games and keeping me awake when i have to get up for work early in the morning.

when i ask him to be considerate and come to bed earlier, i get told that im just being selfish and jealous cos he doesnt have to get up early (maturity - fail) all i want is to sleep usually! lol
so by the time he does get to bed we either just go straight to sleep or sometimes i will try and talk to him about how im feeling and ask him how he feels about our relationship - his usual answer is = im fine
so i usually end up ranting on and crying why don't we talk any more? why don't you want to have sex with me any more? why don't we do anything together? you must find me hideous! are you cheating on me? blah blah blah as it all comes out at once and just upset myself with self pity more than actually finding anything out!
Usually he just tells me 'i love you, your just being over emotional/ paranoid/ or blames it on my period!
This just makes me angry lol
everything i try and say (maybe not in the best way, but) can be just completely disregarded from that one sentence.

We used to have a great sex life and be really close, but now that gaps seem to be getting bigger!
If hes been out with his friends and comes back pissed he wants to have sex, so i don't, when he can barely stand up! Who would want to!?
So i told him you know it makes me feel really shitty when you only wanna have sex when your drunk. He says 'i don't want to have sex normally because im not a sexual person????' well i think i would of known by now if that was the case!. He has porn on his pc and his phone so just his right hand is good enough now??

What makes it worse is that about 7/8 months ago he told me he wanted to marry me and made me choose a ring, he spoke about having a baby and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives etc really serious things! which all came from him so it kinda got all my hopes up and now to this?

We don't even do the simplest things together like watching tv together! at least i could sit next to him then, maybe get a decent cuddle or an arm around me!

When he is out with his friends drinking he just drinks far too much, and i dred answering the phone cos he will just upset me, for instance last saturday he called me up asking me if i would give his mate a blowjob if he paid me 20 pounds cos its good money! and all i got was manic laughing down the phone to me, and people taking the piss out of me in the back ground isnt he supposed to stick up for me? knock them out for disrespecting me?
He used to drink alot more and switch to this horrible violent person who i didn't recognize and he went to counciling and was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and cut down on his drinking before we got together again and he was and is alot better but i still have this anger whenever he drinks just because of the way i have seen it change people i love in my life.
so i generally try to avoid him/ask him to stay at a friends house etc because the emotions he has been feeling generally will come out when hes been drinking and towards me cos i am kinda the closest person to him/ the last person he sees before the hangover!

Also he always makes sure he has money to go out not for us to go out so the future i thought we both wanted seems to be at the bottom of the priority list?

i dunno i think i've lost track from all this ranting, am i mad? lol

Ive always been very self conscious about myself and very shy and have suffered periods of depression and self harm, so i find it hard to see the big picture without focusing it inwards and if this is all me just being stupid..maybe you could give me some advice for that? LOL

I really do love and care about him so much and im sure he has his rants about me, he does show his nice side sometimes, its not all bad =) but we never rant about good things lol

tbh i think were both sick of fighting each other and just need....something..? lol

i always thought it was only married couples that needed counseling, at least finding this site makes me feel a little less mentally unstable ha

Ive never posted anything like this before! so..

Anyways sorry for the essay, and really any useful advice would be much appreciated!

Thanks

Add a Comment4 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi there,
sorry if I am open to you: leave him. One only understands what one has lost when it's too late. You don't deserves you. Well, go your way, work out to be fit, dress up, make yourself up, enjoy life and find someone else.

I have helped a person who lived in the ghetto as well, and now this person is trying to rip me off financially, has two children from someone else.

Divorce, just finish it. Who's not worth it shall go away.
Hope this helps.
Keep your head up and don't close your eyes.
*hug*
Al

April 16, 2013 - 9:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

There are so many factors in depression, attempted suicide, drug/alcohol abuse etc. that is going on with him. There may not be a quick fix to all these issues. Blaming you for things is just a way for him to stop thinking 'it may be him'. It is always easier blame someone else. This also may explain why he is unemployed.

I have to completely agree with Susan on this one. What is it that you love so much about someone who treats you so horrible? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think he is the only person that you will ever be with?

I think centering on YOU is better in this predicament as I believe you are in a very unhealthy environment. If you write down what you really like about this guy and what you don't like about him, which list is longer? I can guess just by your comments, that the 'con list' is much longer. Don't settle for any of this treatment.

You are clearly a level headed individual that can make a plunge forward into the right direction. Removing him from your residence would be a great move. Does he have means of surviving without you? At this point, even if he has to be homeless, it may be helpful for him to 'get back to reality'.

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. It is clear that you feel as if you are the bad person throwing him out although, you are certainly not his caretaker/mother. What really helped me was I attended AL-ANON meetings which are for people affected by others drug/alcohol issues. Not only does it help you understand addiction, it will also help you take better care of yourself as you also become a 'drug addict' in a sense that you feel that you can help. Only 'the addict/alcoholic can help themselves'. Here is a link to the Al-Anon website which may be helpful.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Please help yourself first before you can help someone else. Understand that all these issues are not your problem but his. You can give him information about receiving help for his mental illness, addiction and maybe even depression but you cannot make him a productive citizen. That is in his hands.

Instead of asking, “Does he really want me?” ask “Do you really want him?”

Does this information help? Believe me, Al-Anon is not only for person's dealing with addictions, it is to regain ourselves to be stronger and step away from the people that are causing their own pains which engulf our over lives.

March 6, 2010 - 11:37am
Akumadoll

Thankyou very much for replying!

He had tried to kill himself and soon became homeless because of his mental illness and now lives with me and my family, this is what i find the hardest. How can i throw someone ive cared about and loved for so long onto the street again?

we had a huge fight Thursday night where told me all my flaws, and told me that it is usually my fault the fights happen because im always waiting for them when he has been drinking, which i do see because i know im always filled with anger at the fact that i know what usually happens when he is!

when you see just how many peoples lives are ruined by bloody alcohol i just wish it didn't exist!!

I sometimes think maybe if i recorded what he is like maybe then he would see what he does to me?

At least then i wouldn't get 'i really don't remember but im so sorry'

i feel like he needs to be shocked into realising whats going on instead of carrying on thinking everything's fine.

I did come so close to throwing him out though, but in the end he ended up crying and telling me how much he loves me and cant live without me.

How do you know if its genuine?
Breaks my heart when a man cries because they never do!

I dont want to break up with him after everything we have been through, but i need a way of really making him see, otherwise i guess there really is no other option but to split up!

I know its cliche but i really do just wish things were how they used to be!

I know im young and this is a lot of drama but in a way ive always been used to it cos of family problems from when i was 8 i had to grow up pretty quickly! Education and work have always been the only stable things in my life! lol

again, if you can make any sence of that and give me anymore info/advice, it would be greatly appreciated!

thankyou

March 6, 2010 - 10:31am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Akumadoll

Thanks for your post!

What I think is best for you right now is separation. I certainly don't have a perfect relationship (what is that, anyway?) but the mere notion of my husband "jokingly" calling me up and telling me he'd get $20 if I performed oral sex on his friends is unfathomable. And the fact that your unemployed boyfriend is howling with laughter, along with his friends in the background, is even worse.

The fact that he has a mental illness by no means excuses his behavior. Showing off that he doesn't have to get up early in the morning actually means he's being a bum. Spending money he doesn't have on partying with his friends (not you) is unacceptable and the fact that he won't have sex with you unless he is plastered drunk (but he does enjoy porn) means that the few good times you have with him amount to nothing, in comparison with the negatives.

To be honest, I have no idea what is lovable about him since he treats you so badly. He may need therapy (he sounds like he does) but you are very young (about 21?) and it's not your job, at your age, to fix him. Your job, at your age, is to get your education, get a job and really love life. Not listening to him making a mockery of you over the phone with his drunk friends. His words say he cares for you, his actions say he doesn't. Anyone can say "I love you" and go ahead and cheat, drink, party, play video games all night as well as have fun at your expense. But the man who doesn't always verbalize how he loves you but never cheats, never lies and shows his love every day is the man who actually loves his woman.

My suggestion is that you move out and begin life on your own. If he follows you and changes his ways, then there is a great chance that you can work things out. My sense is that he won't follow you and continue life without you.

Akumadoll, we all have various levels of toleration when it comes to our relationships. The balance of your relationship is completely out of whack. You work, play the bills and want a real relationship. He parties, remains unemployed and mocks you with his buddies. This should not be ok with you in any way. The fact that occasionally treats you well does NOT make up for his continued ill-treatment of you.

Move out and move on with your life. He knows all about his options already, in terms of couples counseling and getting a job and keeping on top of his health. If he wants to change he will, and he'll follow you. Otherwise things will remain as they are; a never ending cycle of worry and dissatisfaction. You are way too young to settle for so little in life.

I know I sound a little abrupt but sometimes you have to really get practical rather than emotional. Love only means something if it comes from both sides and love means nothing if it's only professed in words, and never in actions.

Be good to YOU. Let me know what you think of my suggestions and take "but I love him!" out of your vocabulary as you assess what's really going on in your life.

I wish you the very best and hope to hear from you again very soon!

Susan

March 5, 2010 - 2:57pm
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