Well where to start....my minds all over the place and its a bit complicated!
Lately me and my bf have just seemed to grow apart, weve been living together for about a year but we have been together on and off for about 5 years.
when i say on and off we were only 16 when we first got together and he ended up cheating on me after 2 yrs so we broke up.
About a year and half later started talking again and ended up getting back together and things were great! he wrote love letters, poems and gave presents and was just oh so romantic and we were in love completely.
now most of the time we are like 2 separate people living separate lives who happen to live in the same house...
He doesn't have a job, he writes music and does bits of graphic design from home which means he is just constantly on his computer, meaning all i get is a grunt whenever i try to talk to him!
When i do manage to tear him away and get his attention (usually when he moves for food or to use the WC!) he usually gives me a cuddle and a kiss and he might tell me he loves me and then he goes straight back to the pc and will stay on it until 2am playing games and keeping me awake when i have to get up for work early in the morning.
when i ask him to be considerate and come to bed earlier, i get told that im just being selfish and jealous cos he doesnt have to get up early (maturity - fail) all i want is to sleep usually! lol
so by the time he does get to bed we either just go straight to sleep or sometimes i will try and talk to him about how im feeling and ask him how he feels about our relationship - his usual answer is = im fine
so i usually end up ranting on and crying why don't we talk any more? why don't you want to have sex with me any more? why don't we do anything together? you must find me hideous! are you cheating on me? blah blah blah as it all comes out at once and just upset myself with self pity more than actually finding anything out!
Usually he just tells me 'i love you, your just being over emotional/ paranoid/ or blames it on my period!
This just makes me angry lol
everything i try and say (maybe not in the best way, but) can be just completely disregarded from that one sentence.
We used to have a great sex life and be really close, but now that gaps seem to be getting bigger!
If hes been out with his friends and comes back pissed he wants to have sex, so i don't, when he can barely stand up! Who would want to!?
So i told him you know it makes me feel really shitty when you only wanna have sex when your drunk. He says 'i don't want to have sex normally because im not a sexual person????' well i think i would of known by now if that was the case!. He has porn on his pc and his phone so just his right hand is good enough now??
What makes it worse is that about 7/8 months ago he told me he wanted to marry me and made me choose a ring, he spoke about having a baby and wants to be with me for the rest of our lives etc really serious things! which all came from him so it kinda got all my hopes up and now to this?
We don't even do the simplest things together like watching tv together! at least i could sit next to him then, maybe get a decent cuddle or an arm around me!
When he is out with his friends drinking he just drinks far too much, and i dred answering the phone cos he will just upset me, for instance last saturday he called me up asking me if i would give his mate a blowjob if he paid me 20 pounds cos its good money! and all i got was manic laughing down the phone to me, and people taking the piss out of me in the back ground isnt he supposed to stick up for me? knock them out for disrespecting me?
He used to drink alot more and switch to this horrible violent person who i didn't recognize and he went to counciling and was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and cut down on his drinking before we got together again and he was and is alot better but i still have this anger whenever he drinks just because of the way i have seen it change people i love in my life.
so i generally try to avoid him/ask him to stay at a friends house etc because the emotions he has been feeling generally will come out when hes been drinking and towards me cos i am kinda the closest person to him/ the last person he sees before the hangover!
Also he always makes sure he has money to go out not for us to go out so the future i thought we both wanted seems to be at the bottom of the priority list?
i dunno i think i've lost track from all this ranting, am i mad? lol
Ive always been very self conscious about myself and very shy and have suffered periods of depression and self harm, so i find it hard to see the big picture without focusing it inwards and if this is all me just being stupid..maybe you could give me some advice for that? LOL
I really do love and care about him so much and im sure he has his rants about me, he does show his nice side sometimes, its not all bad =) but we never rant about good things lol
tbh i think were both sick of fighting each other and just need....something..? lol
i always thought it was only married couples that needed counseling, at least finding this site makes me feel a little less mentally unstable ha
Ive never posted anything like this before! so..
Anyways sorry for the essay, and really any useful advice would be much appreciated!
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