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Dr. Klein's response was very insensitive; There are many in the same situation and we need real help

By Anonymous October 27, 2013 - 12:12pm
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I just read Dr. Marty Klein's response to the woman asking about a prescription to curb her desire for her sexually non-responsive husband. He dismissed her statement about feeling repulsive as being "dramatic." Being a wife to a non-responsive husband is a very lonely place which few, even doctors, understand. It is very hard to even find other women on the web that can relate. Asking a doctor to chemically curb something so natural and beautiful is surely a last resort and agonizing decision; I know it was for me. I married my husband when he was 27 and I was 24. Although sexually active before marriage, we didn't move in together until the wedding. I noticed a change in his behavior toward me about 2 months before the wedding. We took a week-long honeymoon cruise and I bought new lingerie to wear each night. When he didn't even acknowledge me other than a travel companion and didn't want to have sex our first night, the next, nor the next, or ever, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Over the next 9 years, I have spent so much money trying to change my appearance, buying advice books, seeing doctors, etc. to help us have a normal marriage because I love him dearly. He has been to numerous doctors and had lots of tests done but have come up with no explanation. They put him on testosterone therapy anyway but it didn't help and only made him erratic and angry. I cherish the last compliment my husband gave me and play it over and over in my head for comfort almost daily. It was on our wedding day 9 years ago and he said, "I like your dress." Each day, I daydream about him being affectionate toward me like hugging me from behind while I'm cooking and try to imagine what it would sound like for him to say something like, "You look so hot today." Dr. Klein does not know the daily torture of sleeping next to someone you love so much, hear them, smell them, see them, but are forbidden from touching. I, like original submitter, also sought help from 2 doctors a few years apart only to have one of the them laugh at me and send me away. When I mustered up the courage again, the other prescribed an antidepressant (it didn't help) to curb my desire but also made crude jokes about my sexuality and his nephew that could "help" me with it. My mother happened upon open windows on my computer and has now distances herself from us, and after making jokes about it, said it makes her feel awkward to be around us. I have sought help from our clergy (who is also a licensed counselor) who told me to have my marriage annulled. My husband refused to participate but says he can have sex with me any time he wants, he just doesn't have any desire.

I have always been someone who was very comfortable with my sexuality and appearance but this marriage has broken me tremendously. I have withdrawn from so much of life. I don't have my picture taken at all. I avoid leaving my home whenever I can. It's humiliating to have people look at me, knowing they are likely repulsed by me. My husband chose to marry me and should be the one that likes me more than anyone in the world. When one repulses their spouse this much, how is a stranger going to view me? I avoid sleeping as much as I can because I'm afraid that my husband may feel amorous while I'm sleeping and I'll miss it. We have sex about once a month but only because he thinks it keeps me happy. It only occurs at night, lights out, after a shower, with my back towards him and only lying down in our bed. He doesn't look at my body or kiss me. After such encounters, I feel horrible and humiliated for allowing myself to enjoy it when he doesn't even want to do it and vow that I won't do it again. What does my husband say to all of this? Absolutely nothing. When he does respond, he says that our relationship is normal and that I am brainwashed by the media. He's told me twice that I should get a boyfriend but it's not something that I want; I want him. Yes, I would leave him if we didn't have small children. Being around other people (especially couples), listening to a song on the radio, watching TV, all of this is excruciating to something living this life and very isolating. Every day is a living hell, knowing that I will die not knowing what it's like to be desired by someone, that when we are old or if something should incapacitate me, nothing would propel this man to take care of me. I'm beginning to question whether I would take care of him. If something horrible should happen to me, I know that this emotional cripple is unwilling to convey to my children how much I love them. I agonize over the fact that I chose a man as their father that is incapable of showing them how to be in a loving relationship when they grow up.
I could go on and on, but I pray that many in this situation don't see Dr. Klein's dismissive response to the original post and give up on every finding peace in their life. Everyone should be able to trust a doctor to help, not ridicule and isolate them.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,

Welcome to EmpowHER.  Sorry to hear how you feel and what you have had to live in a relationship like this. I think this kind of story should be posted in our Sharing section under relationships. That would help other members to view and be able to read this story.



October 27, 2013 - 3:44pm
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