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Family issues

By March 31, 2016 - 1:34am
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I don't know how in depth I need do be but I'll try to be as concise as possible. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and 2 in my current marriage. I've been together with my husband for 5 years now. It seems like we've got nowhere with the 2 older kids, they always butt heads about every little thing. My son is 15 and daughter 12. My husband is turning 40 this year and it seems like he gets suckered into an argument with the older kids every time.
My problem is, my husband and son are both mad at me for taking sides. They both said separately that I'm taking the other person's side as opposed to them. I'm torn. I love both. I don't side. I tell them when they're wrong. Neither one admits they're wrong, and this is where my role comes in as a "side taker". I'm frustrated, confused and tired of it. I'm afraid this will end my marriage and restart the cycle of going through the same thing with the younger 2; living with a step-father. I feel I need more help than to 2 of them. Please help me.

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Thank you Susan for shedding some light. It was much needed. I will be putting everything on the table with the therapist and if change doesn't happen and quick, I'll have to opt for divorce. It won't an easy choice. But talking to you, I've come to a bigger realization of what's happening. Thank you again.

April 1, 2016 - 1:57pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon!

Thanks for your post!

Where is the father of the older two? I think it's time he got more involved in their lives and maintained better discipline. Your current husband needs to do his best to stay out of your older children's disciplinary measures - this is your job and not his. He's the adult and needs to remove himself from the situation. Arguing with his wife's children is never a good idea. Your son is young but old enough to know better. What are they arguing about?

You're not in a good place and I understand how hard this all is for you. Blended families are hard . I'm not sure what you mean by divorcing and your younger children then having a step-father - do you plan on remarrying a third time?

Think about family therapy for all you. Your son has only a few years left at home and he deserves those years to be happy. He didn't have a choice to have a step-dad and while your son needs to behave appropriately, he needs a voice too. It's not easy being a step-child.

You could also do with a break from all the bickering! Therapy can help get the cards on the table, hash out the problems and learn on to cope. A family therapist specializing in blended families is a good start.

Read more here: http://www.empowher.com/parenting/content/secret-ingredients-happy-blended-family-patience-and-trust


March 31, 2016 - 4:18am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks for your reply. The older 2 has a father that sees them 2 days per month. He is no help.
I don't plan on remarrying. I was Just saying, I don't want this cycle relegated.
My husband tells the kids do do a task and if they don't jump at it right away, he loses it. He will hold the kids by thier necks and shove them in front of me to punish them for not obeying him. They do thier chores everyday regardless. If they are in the bathroom he knocks on the door and ask what they're doing. He tasks them with watching the younger 2 sometimes very late on a school night. He would wake them up at 2am or anytime he feels like it if he has a question or they didn't complete a task before bed. He never compliment them or is ever thankful that they are such a big help around the house. Anything he says of them are negative like "she's not smart" etc. I don't want a divorcee but is it possible to change a 40 year old man set in his ways? We have gone to counseling. We will go again. Not sure if that will fix the problem. He thinks he's always right and that I don't discipline the older 2 enough for not doing chores when he what's them done so he has to do the descipline. I don't yell or curse at my kids I speak to them instead and he doesn't think that's a form of descipline. I want all of my children to be happy in thier childhood. They are not happy because of him. I'll answer more questions of you need me to. I'm just doubtful he will embrace this change.

April 1, 2016 - 12:44am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Momof4kidz)

Hi again!

Your post was really hard to read - as in, hard to digest that he's getting away with child abuse and you're still not planning on divorcing him.

Your children come first - they'll leave home as adult survivors of child abuse and that's so sad.

Divorce isn't something I'd throw about lightly - it's a huge thing. But it'd be a no-brainer for me if he was waking them up at 2am, enforcing babysitting duties late at night, verbally abusing them and this: "He will hold the kids by thier necks and shove them in front of me to punish them for not obeying him. "

And you are still allowing him the house?

I just really fail to understand this. You've been divorced before and you're not good at choosing men. Of course he's not going to change - he is who is is.

This man would be out of my house with a restraining order. Stop letting him abuse your children, I really have no idea how you are allowing him in your house for a second more.


April 1, 2016 - 6:29am
(reply to Susan Cody)

We have set aside a therapist. If nothing changes, I will go for a divorce. Or should I just not even try?
And yes I agree, I have poor choice in men. My husband is a very well respected Army veteran and now police officer, so pardon me if I thought he was going to be the one. He just lost his father and is going through a lot, leaving him now would make me feel rotten, but we deserve better.
Susan, I'm really confused and I don't really have the means to take care of 4 kids all alone and at the same time I don't want the kids treated that way. I never wanted the younger 2, which are kids in common to suffer a divorce because it really hurt the older 2 when I divorced thier dad. And they are still suffering because of my husband. Yes I feel horrible but he always made me feel like it's the children's fault and whatever punishment he or I give them is not enough. Would it be better if you heard his side? He's very convincing that he's the one right always. I don't even know what I'm saying right now, still confused and stressed.

April 1, 2016 - 1:22pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Momof4kidz)

Hi Anon

I understand your confusion and your pain. You're caught in a horrible situation.

By the way, police officers don't have the best track record in terms of solid marriages. Domestic abuse with police and army folk is a dirty little secret.

I can't tell you what to do other than therapy. If he abuses your kids anymore you need to get him out - that's a complete deal-breaker.

I'm sorry his father died but we all have deaths and illnesses and all sorts of negatives in our lives. Waking your poor kids up in the middle of the night to verbally abuse them, physically pulling them up by the scruff of the neck and yelling at them isn't ok no matter what's going on in his life. He's a bully. The two children you have with him may be next but I can tell you it must be awful for his step-kids to see their own terrible treatment while their siblings seem cherished.

Anon, please get into therapy and your husband needs therapy. If he refuses then you're going to have to be a twice divorced woman. It's better than being an abused woman in a marriage where her children are also abused.

You said that leaving him would make you feel rotten but how does it make you feel to see your children abused like this? Pretty rotten I bet.

Your husband (both of them) are legally bound to pay child support. You need to get started on that asap if it doesn't work out. Contact family services in your area to find out your rights.

Time is off the essence Anon. Please let your husband knows that if he abuses your children one more time that you will call the police (his peers) and contact the courts. No matter what your situation, you can't sit by and allow this.

And don't forget - you deserve happiness too.


April 1, 2016 - 1:45pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you. Therapy is what we'll do and then I'll see what to do after I give us a chance to work it out. You really did help me gain insight on this whole matter.

April 6, 2016 - 4:14am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Momof4kidz)

Hi again!

I do hope everything works out well for you.
Stay in touch with us!


April 8, 2016 - 4:40am
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