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Fiance says he is too tired to have sex with me(should I get out of this unhealthy situation)

By July 3, 2009 - 11:01pm
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I have been with my fiance now for 3 yrs and we have been doing a lot of fussing. He has an issue with looking at online women, but says he does it to get at me when we fuss. I take that as an excuse just to look at women, but he swears he does it as comfort when we fight.
He is always tired, but he does have an hour and a half drive back and forth to work(military) and I can understand he is exhausted, but even on weekends I have to run after him for sex. He always manages to fall asleep . I asked him if it is because he isn't sexually attracted to me and he said he is attracted, just tired.

One thing to mention is he did go online looking for discreet relationships, but he said he did it because I began talking to guy friends and telling him I think we need to break up. He also called me too heavy when we met, but said he did it because he was insecure about himself and did not know why someone as beautiful as me would want him, so of course this began the whole cycle of hurt towards each other, not to mention getting even. He seems to always look me up and down as to look for fault, even asking me if my breasts were too large for my bra.
On a good note, he is good to me, rubs my back, takes care of me and my kids, tells me he loves me almost 15 times a day at least. All I know is I am confused and I don't know what to do anymore. He calls me his soul mate, yet he faulted me in the beginning and tells me he will stop looking at women, but still does.
I want to feel desired by him sexually, but so far I'm not, even when he touches me and kisses me. He never wants sex and I am beginning to think he does love me, but not attracted. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and tell me the truth? Why would he not want sex?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi NCAngela

Welcome to Empowher and thank you for your post!

You are in a difficult situation but the most important thing right now is to NOT get married anytime soon until these issues have been resolved. It may be some kind of saving grace that you know of all these problems before you get married or have a child with your fiance.

I understand how tiring it can be to work, face a commute and then come home to children. But I don't believe this is the underlying cause of your fiance's problems. If he were not tired, would he still download porn? Would he still try to go online to try to have other relationships with women? A person who is too tired to communicate with his partner (you) is not going to have affairs, if "tiredness" is his real problem. So we need to take his exhaustion out of the picture, I don't believe it has anything to do with the problems at hand.

There are so many things to consider when reading the many variables in your relationship. Things that are not only emotionally damaging to you, but may be physically damaging to you if he does actually have affairs and does not use condoms. The fact that you have seen him online, looking for discreet relationships means it's likely he is taking it a step further. Most men deny affairs so please don't take his denials as him being truthful. I know this is hard to hear but men don't download porn or look for sex with other women to "get back" at their partner or because their partner (you) has friend of the opposite sex. These are lies used to excuse their behavior and get out of taking responsibility for their actions.

You both need to seek counseling for your many issues before you get married. I would suggest both couples therapy and individual therapy because I think both of you have a lot of issues to work out alone, and also as a couple. And I would highly suggest you do all this before you marry. A relationship like this will not get better unless it is changed, and both of you want to make the changes. Marriage will not make anything better; your relationship will more than likely disintegrate further.

I have a couple of questions for you: the main one is why are you in this relationship? Take "I'm in this relationship because I love him" out of your vocabulary for a second and then ask yourself why are you staying in this relationship. Has it always been in this kind of trouble or is this more recent?

While he tells you he loves you numerous times a day and gives you backrubs, you must know that this relationship is dysfunctional and certainly emotionally abusive. You have your children to think about: staying in an abusive relationship is very damaging to them as well as you.

Please consider immediate counseling for both you and your fiance and get these issues straightened out straight away. Don't make any plans for marriage or further children until this ends. You may find that extensive therapy will benefit both of you tremendously and can repair your relationship or you may find that you need to separate yourself and you kids from all this and walk away.

But this will not fix itself. Is your fiance willing to get into a therapy program?

Thank you for posting this and looking for help - you are taking a step in the right direction by acknowledging there are serious problems that need attention. I know that some of what I said may be hard to hear but a practical, truthful and "get real" approach is needed, especially when there are children involved. We hope to hear back from you soon!

July 4, 2009 - 6:14am
(reply to Susan Cody)

I love him and am with him because he has so many wonderful aspects and I wanted to believe that maybe he was looking at women to get to me. He knows I hate when he looks at them. I always tell him it is so fake and makes us "real" women look so flawed, when in reality there is nothing beautiful about a plastic woman that can't be herself. I try to see his side of things, but when I ask him questions, he ignores me and says " I have told you over and over Angela, but you don't believe me".

I will point out that I did tell him numerous times I was going to leave him and it seemed the "looking at women" would happen more when I would threaten him, but I told him there is still no excuse. When I would say this he would say "well there was no excuse for you to talk to men"! It has now gotten to be a get even relationship where I am looking for someone to talk to and then when he finds it, he is hurt that I am seeking out men for happiness. He tells me its over and to forget the things that have happened, to move forward, but I can't forget anything he has done. I can't forget because I don't buy the stories he is telling me. I feel he looks at porn because he isn't happy with my looks or my weight, so I ask him over and over and he says the same thing (that he is happy with me), but then I ask him how he could look at women if he is so sexually satisfied with my looks? I am always down and not really sure why he is with me, other than him saying he loves me. I don't understand why he can't see what he is doing . I feel sorrow when I think of leaving him, because I feel he does love me, but I can't keep hurting

Thank you so much for your help, I really didn't know who to talk to about my situation.

July 4, 2009 - 2:22pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to ncangela)


Thanks so much for the update.

I'm sure you love him in your own way - or at least you love the idea of how he could be - how he should be. I think you're in love with the idea of having a husband who treats you well (which is how you should be treated; you shouldn't feel grateful that a man is good to you, this is how it should be).

But I think you know that this isn't a loving relationship. We can say "I love you" a hundred times a day but if love is only spoken and not shown, it's not love.

Love doesn't accuse and download porn and love doesn't seek sexual relationships on the side. Most men who cheat say "love you!" as they end a conversation and say "love you!" as they leave to meet up with some woman. Those are just words, Angela. They mean absolutely nothing if the accompanying actions are hurtful, deceitful and abusive.

It's also manipulative to do nasty things and then tell the person to move on, to get past it. In other words "get over it". You can't get past something and move on unless you resolve the issues of the past. Him telling you to move forward is the same as telling you to allow him to get away with everything he does, and not appear like you are nagging him. Angela, this is very manipulative behavior. Imagine if you cheated on him and then told him to "just move forward!" after you got caught! I can't imagine you getting away with that!

You have children and they will follow your patterns and imitate your behaviors. If they grow up seeing this kind of relationship and seeing that it's acceptable, they'll follow the same path. This has to change of you'll be facing the same issues years and years down the road. We only have one life to live - just one. We have no practice sessions and no dress rehearsal. Is this how you want to live the one life you get? I'm sure you don't and I think you'll look back at this in years to come and kick yourself for putting up with this.

Bottom line: get into counseling, individual and couples counseling. If he refuses to change or go to therapy then you have a choice to make. Stay and make this you life. Or leave and make yourself a brand new life, with you in the drivers seat and you controlling your own happiness. Because right now, your fiance pretty much decides if you have a good day or not. He decides if you are happy. You need to be the one doing that.

I don't know if he loves you or not. But I do know he doesn't show you he loves you and that his actions are not loving caring actions. It's time to stop giving him all the power. Take some control over you own life and tell him that you will both be attending counseling or the relationship is over. You have to mean it. Don't say things and bluff or he'll know these are empty threats and he can continue this behavior. He's with you because he can live how he wants and get away with it! Your words tell him you don't like it but your actions are telling him that you'll put up with it.

This is not love.

Will you let him know you insist on counseling or the relationship is over? If he refuses therapy in order to save the relationship because he loves you, doesn't that answer your questions on whether he really loves you at all?

July 4, 2009 - 4:49pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

You are so right and I have had this in my mind the whole time. He has suggested counseling as well, but unless he can help himself, there is no help for him. I have learned that some people are followers and some walk to the beat of their own drum, unfortunately he is one that has taken time to follow the media's version of what a beautiful woman is. I have stretch marks after having kids and the cellulite that most women have, but I am in this to be helpful to my 11 yr old daughter. I rear her to know what real is and to love herself for being a natural beauty among a fake society.
I have tried to instill these values on a man that should already know these things and does, but has chosen to behave like a kid that knows no better. I am at my wits end and I know I can't continue to take his abuse. He ignores me when I need to talk and acts like I am the one that won't listen. After all is said and done, maybe he will learn to listen and know that there is fake and reality. Fake will never show him love and I'm sure not many women will deal with his issues as I have.

We will see what happens, but either way I am getting back to being me!

July 4, 2009 - 6:40pm
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