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Fiance's saves naked pictures of girls we BOTH know on his computer..

By May 31, 2011 - 6:20pm
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My fiance and I have been together for 5 years. and engaged for about 6 months now. Recently, i used his computer to download pictures off of our camera. when i opened up the picture folder, there were about 6 pictures of naked girls. but they weren't internet porn star pictures, they were pictures of girls that we had gone to school with and older girls that we BOTH know. how do i confront him about this? I am so hurt and angry I dont even know what to say to him. there was an incident similar to this before in our relationship, but when i confronted him about it he just got angry at me and said i shouldnt be looking through his things and turned everything around to me like i was the one in the wrong, which is why im so nervous to confront him. please help

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EmpowHER Guest

From a guy's perspective...and one from a guy who has a few pictures of his old girlfriends on his computer (now that I think about it). It's quite possible that he doesn't care about these pictures and hasn't even looked at them in years. Maybe they were taken at a party, maybe she sent them to him, who knows. It has nothing to do with how good of a husband he will be, how good of a Father he will be, or how he feels about you. Most likely the pictures don't matter to him. If they really do then that's another story. You should simply say that you weren't going through his computer but you noticed them while downloading pics from the camera and you're curious about how he got them, why he still has them, etc. It's not fair to be angry with him unless you confront him about it directly. Direct confrontation is the only way.

June 14, 2011 - 9:06am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon - thanks for the guy's perspective, we appreciate that here!

I agree with you completely that she needs to talk to her fiance rather than remain angry. It's unfair to both parties.

But are the pictures of your girlfriends that you have showing them completely naked? Do you have a collection of a lot of girlfriends photos that show them all naked? Really? If the pictures of naked women friends mean nothing to him, why is he keeping them? Who the heck has tons of those pics anyway? Of friends? Please!

These are mutual friends (only friends, we can assume although I don't know what platonic friends send naked pictures of themselves to friends of the opposite sex and he has a slew of women doing it to him) of both parties. My guess is that he asked for the photos or dared the girls and the whole lot of them - fools that they are - were up for it.

If you are married and you find photos of a half dozen male friends of your wife on her computer - all of them naked - and you don't think anything of this - you're the only man I know who'd feel like that. I just don't believe that.

And I have to disagree, I think this is a HUGE reflection on how he will behave as a husband. I wouldn't walk on this guy, I'd run, and let him and his excuses whistle in the wind. We teach people how to treat us. By marrying this man she's pretty much saying that he can do whatever he wants - with whomever, and if she interferes, she's invading his privacy. Guys like this are a dime a dozen. I think they're born in bulk!


June 14, 2011 - 11:04am

Men who cannot accept their own faults and project those feelings onto others, especially their partners, are engaging in a type of emotional abuse that is incredibly damaging.

I am speaking both from personal experience, but also as a master's level counselor (and current doctoral student of clinical psychology). What I noticed just in your post is how you are upset and angry, but instead of feeling validated and supported in your relationship, you are afraid to confront your own fiance. He has stripped you of any power you could have in this relationship. If you are nervous to confront now over some photographs, then think of how bad things could get. I can't tell you what the right or wrong thing to do is, but I encourage you to not bury your own feelings for the sake of avoiding conflict, because those feelings won't go away, and when feelings fester they tend to come out in ugly ways that aren't good for anyone.

June 8, 2011 - 10:13pm


I am so sorry you are going through this. There are things that men do in relationships that I call "unforgivable"-- this is one of them. Not because it is the worst thing he could've done but because there is obviously more to it...like, how did he get these pictures? Why does he still have them? If he is hiding this, he's hiding something else (you also mentioned this wasn't the first time), and what bothers me the most is that he isn't man enough to admit he is wrong. Everyone has a past, but if that's the case then he wouldn't be turning the tables on you and making it seem as though you're in the wrong. And to be frank, past or not those pictures should be long gone. Whether or not you forgive him is up to you, but as scared as you are to talk to him about it--you're going to have to. Bring it up at an appropriate time. If he quickly turns it on you then he's hiding something and it's your call on what to do next. For what it's worth my first boyfriend used to turn things on me all the time-- it was so frustrating and hurtful-- turns out he was cheating on me. So, to me, turning things around is an immature cop out because he's getting caught. If you want to be happy in a marriage or relationship, there MUST be trust, it doesn't sound like there ever will be in your relationship--so, the choice is yours.

All the best,


June 1, 2011 - 5:26am

Don't marry this man. He doesn't respect you. If you think this is a problem just wait until you're married to him and real life really gets tough. You want to marry a man who doesn't want to hide anything from you because he isn't doing anything behind your back. For a marriage to work... you need to have a very very strong foundation. If this man will turn the tables on you when you confront him with something everyone knows is not right... you will always be at fault for his errors in judgement. He is not mature enough to be a husband. Good luck to you. I seriously doubt you will listen to me, but when you are going thru a divorce and you have little kids to care for on your own because this person doesn't take responsiblity, think back to this answer. I only tell you this because I looked the other way at all the red flags for the name of love too. Now I am a single mom with an ex that pays his child support "sometimes" - "when he feels like it." You don't want to be me if you can help it.

May 31, 2011 - 10:33pm
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