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ask: A girl I barely know who is my neighbor keeps trash talking me to all my friends and neighbors who are also hers for 2 years now. How can I cope?

By Lei
 
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I lost so many friends over this situation and obviously they are not true friends but, I did block every person for the past 2 years who knows her because she humiliated me all over facbeook. I even deactivated my account. Here is what happened. Her current boyfriend and now baby father (not her only baby father) apparently had pictures of me in his email or myspace that she found that were 3-4 years old. At the time when I had contact with him we shared lots of interests in life but never did end up meeting because I didn't want to. He was really nice. I don't even remember how we started talking (If I found him or he found me) but it started from myspace. We talked for quite some time and he told me he was single and she was crazy etc. I asked about her because I saw them fighting on myspace at the time and both of their statuses did say single. She knew who I was from myspace because he had me on his top friends. I ended up not talking to him anymore because I lost interest and I now have a wonderful boyfriend soon to be fiance for 3 years. She lived in the same neighborhood as me but I never knew her because she lived on the lower level of townhomes (pretty crazy huh). Come to find out her kids even played with mine outside sometimes because they would come up towards our house and her daughter stayed the night with us quite a few times and I even spoke to her on the phone to arrange that. I found out it was her because she had pictures up of her and her family on myspace. Anyway I moved across the street into a really nice new community and I was the first one there... then she came to move in and others as well. So the landlady added me on facebook and the neighbor girl I am talking about here found me and sent a request. I ran into her at the tanning bed. She always commented my statuses and asked to go walking with me so we went together once, I took her. That was the only 1 on 1 time I spent with her. Little did I know she was living with the guy who was flirting with me online years ago and expected me to know and tell her everything and put on that we were close friends when we barely knew each other and even though her statuses always said she was single and hated her man. I saw pictures of them together but it wasn't my business whether they were together or not and I honestly could care less being that I have a boyfriend already and lost interest in him years ago. So she called me out publicly all over facebook and completely humiliated me, threatened to post my pictures on youtube... I didn't get to save any of it because it's erased now. But one person even went as far as saying "go piss on her" or someone else said " Go F*** up her car". She turned people against me that I really liked and made me out to look so horrible. I learned my lesson to never send any pictures of myself to anyone of course but I am 30 now and this happened in my early to mid 20's. I want to move past this but I see her at the bus stop every morning and I even stopped going to the bus stop in the summer just to avoid her. I shouldn't feel pressured to go outside because I am getting stared at by people who look at me as if I am some W****. What would you do if you were in this situation? I just want to move on and I pray about it all the time but she still lives here and so do I. I reactivated my account recently and shes still listed as a friend so I see her posts... she's lost weight has all kinds of friends who use to be great friends to me and she gets all kinds of attention, goes on vacations, has a new car etc. It just hurts and is not fair that I have had to become totally socially inactive and hide in a cave living in shame for something that I never did wrong.

Add a Comment4 Comments

Lei

I know it's hard to give advice not knowing the full situation. Thanks for your honesty but why do you say you are surprised I am 30 or a mother? My main focus in life is my children and my family. That is what I live for. This is something that happened in my 20's. I agree that this is beneath a grown woman and I haven't done anything to retaliate or anything like that. Also, let's get this straight she was never an actual friend. I would say we were acquaintances up until this happened. I do wish her well it's just that she is manipulative, jealous, evil, rude, a liar and turned people against me and it really irritates me because of the way she accomplished that from old news that was supposedly new to her. I could have stuck around and kept defending myself but it was pointless; too many bad things were already said and I already tried. She actually harrassed another neighbor girl horribly on facebook for no reason who I am friends with and the girl ended up having her lawyer send a cease and desist letter. I do mind my own business, I do have my own friends and plenty of great ones. I may not have even (lost) all of the friends but it sure feels like it sometimes because I disconnected myself for 2 years. I have a college education, a job, and hobbies. I do love my children very much and spend most of my time with them. They are my world! I love my family and my dad has cancer right now. My mom has 13 mm kidney stone and I am also dealing with that. It's not like all I am focused on is her, I have gone 2 years not even on that facebook. I have another facebook for my music because I am a singer. Anyway, the problem is that it's not something so easy to ignore being that it's constantly in my face almost every time I leave my house or at the bus stop. I am always polite and keep to myself. I am not in any way keeping anything going because I don't talk to anyone about it and I haven't except for the other girl who got harassed by her. I am on this personal facebook to be friends with people I disconnected with who are quality people I knew over the years that I do care about. I recently re-activated my page within the last week and saw some of her updates in my newsfeed. The reason I mentioned her getting attention etc...is because it's by the people I was friends with and disconnected with over the situation because it was so hurtful and embarrassing. I do care about how those people view me. I can't change what people think when they don't know the whole truth being that the whole thing was blown way out of proportion because of her but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I can't change what happened. She mentioned how she was only ever friends with me on facebook to "taunt" me after she humiliated and harassed me. I am and have been focused on God, now, my family, & our future.

January 24, 2013 - 7:36pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Lei)

Lei

You are not the problem - this person is clearly not stable, even if she claims to be happy and have money and the "stuff" to prove it.

I honestly think people who know you know the truth. People know more than you may think. Why they put up with it - only they know. Maybe they get a kick out of FB drama - I know lots of people do.

I can't give legal advice but I don't think you could get a legal letter to her - since she is on your FB page and you are allowing it (seriously - unfriend her and block her - cut her out completely)

If you have (potentially) lost friends due to not being on Facebook, then they weren't real friends. What did people do before FB?!

If she is ever on your property or ever threatens harm, you could look into getting a restraining order. Moving is an option but I know it's not as easy as it seems and you shouldn't have to move because another person is an idiot. But if you are renting, it might be worth the piece of mind.

If you never engage with her, I'm not sure why she won't leave you alone. If you are faced with her almost every time you leave the house, is she stalking you? It sounds like she must be - legal action may be possible if that is the case. A legal letter might change things - it might be worth the few hundred it costs.

Best,

Susan

January 25, 2013 - 2:22pm
Lei (reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks, I have already blocked her and it gave me peace of mind. I only re-activated that account because I do have some family on it and friends from high school & other neighbors who also know her that I didn't have contact with for the past 2 years since I deactivated. Some of those people may not know her that well but I have seen them interact before any of this mess happened. This is a small college town. I never added any of them to my music account because I don't like to mix personal with business. I really do appreciate your advice. No she is not stalking me it's just that we don't live far from each other at all and I can see her porch from mine. I will move after next year, hopefully and possibly even this year. It's best I just don't let it get to me anymore and if I can't see her or communicate with her online it's better. If she causes me harm or threatens me in any way, which I doubt.. then I will take action if needed. She mostly just runs her mouth to people when I am around or drives around my car to be in front of me at the bus stop even if it means she's sticking half way out in the busy road. My one friend who got harassed by her too said it was kind of funny how I use to have a white Kia SUV and then she bought a brand new white Kia SUV and then a few months later she bought a silver one and dyed her hair dark like my natural color. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but other I am moving on with my life as I have been. I hope the best for her and I have prayed for her before. None of us are perfect and we could all improve on many things. Thanks Susan and best wishes to you as well! :)

January 30, 2013 - 6:51am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

Hi Lei

Thanks for your post.

To be very honest, I am really surprised that you are 30 and all of you are mothers! This is way beneath any grown woman.

I'll give you the advice I'd give anyone - deactivate your Facebook or unfriend everyone who is upsetting you. It's not worth the hurt. This is all far too high school.

Ignore comments at the bus stop. Don't feed the flames because I can promise you that if YOU stop, they will too. You may not mean to but you are also a part of the drama.

Make your own friends. It's not easy, but it can be done. Be polite, say hello, goodbye and that's it. People get too caught up in drama and honestly, you're all a bit too old for this. Be happy for your friend that she is doing well and focus on you and your achievements, not hers. Go out and work hard, get hobbies, focus on your children. Lamenting that she has more than you isn't going to do you any good. Get off Facebook completely (why are you still her friend and looking at all her posts and pictures - why do you care?).

It seems like the friendship is over and that's a shame but it's time to move on. Don't make them your focus anymore, you are wasting precious time on people who don't care about you.

Best,

Susan

January 24, 2013 - 1:36pm
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