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Has my libido increased, or has my boyfriend's libido disappeared?

By Anonymous August 12, 2009 - 6:06pm
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My boyfriend and I are intimately involved, and have been for about 2 months. He was always very affectionate beforehand; he enjoyed holding me, he kissed me often, and touched me often. When we had sex, he wanted to do it as often as I did and, for a period of about 2 weeks, touched and loved on me as liberally as ever.

However, following that 2 week time span, his libido decreased drastically. He's still somewhat affectionate, but it's different now. Although he was always playful, now it seems as though he's substituting playfulness for affection. He doesn't enjoy kissing anymore, and he rarely holds me in the loving way he once did; but now he roughhouses, tickles me, and other things of that ilk every time we're together. When I try to kiss or hold him, he seems uninterested and either avoids it by being playful (but still obviously dodging me) or (mostly in the case of kissing) politely asks if we can save it for later.

My sex drive hasn't diminished in the least. Now I'm the one who initiates sex, and most of the time he's not in the mood for it. His desire to be around me hasn't lessened. He takes every opportunity he can to spend time with me. Simply put, he's acting more like a childhood playmate than my lover.

I've talked to him about it, and he's noticed the change but doesn't know what caused it. I'm feeling dissatisfied, not just because I'm not having my sexual or emotional needs met but because I'm afraid I don't arouse him anymore.

Is this normal? Will it pass? Is there any way I can correct the situation or, at the very least, cope with it?

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EmpowHER Guest

It's obviously not going anywhere. He may be gay, but whatever the reason, he's just not into you and you should move on.

February 6, 2011 - 10:33pm
HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon

Thanks for your question and welcome!

It doesn't seem like your libido has increased, rather his has decreased. Or he may be already fading from the relationship - depending on his maturity level - some people enjoy the conquest (the chase!) and then lose interest once sex has been achieved.

It's really to difficult to say, because you are such a new couple! If he is "not in the mood for it" after just a few weeks, I'm not sure what to tell you.

If he has agreed that he knows he has changed but doesn't know what happened - well, that's a good thing. At least he's saying he knows there is a problem!

Has he made any suggestions on what he thinks you both should do to get back on track again? Since much of the problem (from what you are saying) is coming from his side, and he acknowledges there is, in fact, a problem, then he's going to have to put more of an effort into making things work, other than just agreeing that he doesn't want to have sex much.

Is it normal? Normal means that something (whatever it is!) is working well for a couple and that both are happy and fulfilled so no, in this sense, it doesn't appear normal. Will it last? I can't say, I'm afraid - only he can. Is there any way you can correct the situation? Well, you have made a good start by actually talking to him about it - good for you! But unless he's willing, you cannot 'correct' anything by yourself.

How can you cope with the situation, at the very least? You have to just live with it, if he is not willing to work with it. But after only two months, do you really want to have to 'cope' with all this? Two months is a blink of an eye - no real time invested and no real history together (unless you've known him a long time, before your relationship became sexual - is this the case?). You really need to ask yourself if two months is worth being worried, unhappy, frustrated and feeling unwanted. The first year of a relationship should be pretty easy - all this within two months is a lot for you to take on.

I'm certainly not saying you should walk away - just be practical, as well as caring. Your relationship may stand a great shot at working, as long as you both are willing to try. He may be depressed or may have something going on that you don't know about - perhaps he doesn't know either and is as confused as you are! Maybe he is too embarrassed or confused to explain to you that he also doesn't know what's wrong.

There is always a chance that he actually would prefer to be just friends - as you said, he seems more like that now. Your best bet is to ask him - just ask. You deserve an honest answer. After two months, you can pick up and move on, or stay friends. Don't spend more time on this if you know in your heart that it won't work - leave now before more of your life - and your emotions - are invested. And if it turns out that he does want a romantic relationship, and for whatever reason is having difficulties, then you can work on it - together.

August 14, 2009 - 12:45pm
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