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Healing a broken heart

By May 19, 2010 - 2:32am
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I don't even know where to start.. I fell in love for the first time with a man while i was in college.. to cut the story short, he cheated on me and had about a 1 month affair with another girl about 7 months in our relationship. My heart was broken, shattered, and i'm afraid it still is. He begged and begged for a second chance and i did. It's been a year since the incident and i'm ashamed to say that my heart is still broken. I feel like i should have forgotten about all of this already, but there are times when it just pops into my head, i want to be able to forget everything so that we can both start our lives over and be in love again. I don't know how to heal my broken heart, and no matter how hard i try i just can't let go of the past and what he did. What am i supposed to do? Time may heal the pain, but in the meantime this issue i have is just ruining whatever's left of the relationship we have together. I don't know what else i can do.

Add a Comment13 Comments

tiggy68, thanks so much for your comment, i can totally relate, i hope your counseling helps, don't give up! I know i wont.

Alison Beaver, thanks for your advice, however i won't be able to afford counseling at this time, perhaps sometime in the future.. until then i'm really trying to stay positive and keep a clear mind, and my boyfriend is helping me do that.

pacedlive27, thanks for your time... though i could have just called my mother and gotten the same response. Don't you think i've heard that before?? i went back to him and gave him a second chance when EVERYONE was against it. I didn't start this post so people would tell me to give up on it. I wanted advice on how to get over things like this, and maybe if other people have experienced the same they could tell me how they dealt with it. If counseling is what it will take, then counseling we will get, though in the meantime i'll just have to tough it out until i have the money. Yes i know that there is the risk of him cheating on me again, and if he does i will leave. Now it's been some time since everything has happened, about a year now, and i really think that he is a changed man, i really do. Thanks everybody for your comments and advice, i think that starting this post has helped me think about a lot of things.

May 29, 2010 - 1:56pm

I hope my reply will give our friend the courage to move on and take care of herself. She doesn't need to hurt anymore.
Thanks Alison for your kind words.

May 28, 2010 - 5:04pm

You r still young and have your future to take care of, don't get stuck in a relationship that is making you sad and unhappy. Leave while you can, go back to school, build yourself up, you are the only one who is in control of your life. He cheated once he might cheat again and whenever you cry he will say I hurt you. He is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. Take care of you and you will find that someone who deserves your love. Life is short don't waste your precious time. Good luck my dear. I wish you all the best.
One last note, the feelings of the first love is something that will stay with you for the rest of your life. So let it be, and move on without him.

May 27, 2010 - 6:15pm
(reply to paced2live27)

Thank you for your great words of wisdom.

May 27, 2010 - 7:20pm

I'm aching just listening to you. I feel the same way. I am with a man who lied to me a long time ago (not about a woman), and now I am terrified that he'll do it again. We had to struggle to be together and it left me broken. I have never been the same. He is the love of my life, but I feel so alone sometimes with the constant pain. We have a great relationship, but I do have trouble keeping from dragging up the past. After reading your story, I feel less alone in that someone knows how I feel every day. I occasionally go on meds to cope when other things in life make it all add up to too much. Let me know if you want to talk. I am 42 and feel that I should be able to get over this, but can't on my own. I am now getting counseling.
Wishing you comfort...

May 27, 2010 - 4:19pm
(reply to tiggy68)

Please let us know how your counseling is going, and if you feel like it is helpful!

May 27, 2010 - 7:20pm

I don't know really.. i've never done counselling,.. does it cost a lot of money? because i don't have a lot of money.. really what i wish i could do is just take a time machine back to before it all happened so i could maybe stop it from ever happening, but i know i can't do that.. i really don't know what i'm going to do... be sad all the time i guess? I guess i know what i should have done. I know that once i found out that i should have just gotten rid of him and forgotten about it and gotten on with my own life. But something told me not to, something very strong inside me told me to just give him a second chance, and going with my gut instinct i did. And now i'm stuck i guess.. im just plain lost, and i'm starting to get frustrated about it.

May 27, 2010 - 12:42pm

It does sound like counseling, either individual or couples or both, would be ideal for you. He is saying that he wants to move past this issue, and I would think he would want to...much easier said on his part, than done on your part! You may never be able to "get past this", and certainly will never be able to completely "forget" what happened.

You do have choices to make, and you can feel empowered (and not a victim) by your choices. You can decide to stay with him and let time heal your hurt; you can decide to stay with him as long as you and/or you both receive counseling; you can decide to "get past this" and "move on"...but on your own. These are all great choices, and only you can decide; the decision can be day-by-day, too.

I wish you the best, and like you said...you can't control your dreams or nightmares, and you can't control your emotions. You can manage your emotions, focus on the positive, and get some extra support through counseling or a support group. Let us know if you would like help in finding either of these resources.

Please don't be hard on your self that you "should" be over this, or be able to move on. You might not be able to with him. That is OK. It is not your fault, and is a choice he made while now expecting you to live with the impact. I also do not think I would be the type of person who would be able to "move on" and "forget"; I totally get when you said "it's haunting me", and I am so sorry.

What do you think your choices are from this point forward?

May 23, 2010 - 1:26pm

Hi Susan,
yes i know that getting married and having kids at this time would only make the situation more complicated, i'm smarter than that. I'm not really sure i'll be finishing college.. maybe in a few years i might go back to school for something different.
Whenever i bring up the issue he'll say things like "it's time to move on, its been a while now, we should be able to get over this". However when the situation gets worse and i cry or get really upset, he'll say "i'm sorry i hurt you so bad, it's my fault, you're right you should feel this way for what i did to you"...

I try really, really hard not to think about it, but for an example even last night i had a nightmare that we were in a bar and sitting at different tables, and i could see him with someone else.. the situation is haunting me, literally. It's taking all of my willpower to stay postive, but i can't really control my dreams, the thoughts just tend to sneak up on me sometimes..

May 23, 2010 - 10:08am
HERWriter Guide

Hi again!

Thanks for the update - it helps so much.

Boy - finding out you are adopted and finding out your boyfriend is having an affair all in one week is a lot for anyone to take on. I hope you've come to terms with the adoption issue (I'm sorry you were not raised with that knowledge - what a mistake that was) and if you wonder who you are now - well, you are you, as you are, right now. Regardless of where you came from.

I know what you mean about those butterflies. They are intoxicating and addictive. They don't keep their strength through time (not like the first couple of years) but are you saying that the attraction has really lessened?

Your distrust is normal but if you want this relationship to continue, you are going to have to live with it. You need not forget - that's impossible. And he has to accept the hurt and pain he caused - which he seems to have done. But if the relationship is going to work, you can neither keep bringing it up to him, nor internally. It'll eat you up inside and cause an end to the relationship. You are somehow going to have to learn to live with it without it gnawing at you daily. And I think counseling is the best option for you to help with that.

PineappleNinja - there is another option and that is to leave. Make your own life. You are under no obligation to stay with him. If you can forgive, then you can't! Don't beat yourself up about that - you have no mandate to remain in a place of sadness and distrust. And please, please do not get married and definitely don't have kids until this is resolved. A marriage and/or children will make everything far worse if things aren't resolved. No magic will happen, he won't have some kind of epiphany and kids make unhealthy relationships worse - and no child should face the burden of being the band-aid on an open wound. Please don't even consider marriage or kids until you and he are both in a very healthy and solid place together. It sounds you know this - but your boyfriend may be pressing that issue? Don't let him.

From a practical level - are you finishing college? Your boyfriend and his affair-lady get to graduate after cheating on you and you don't? Doesn't that seem wrong to you? Please get yourself back to college!

One thing I notice is that you completely contradicted yourself in terms of his attitude:

You said in the beginning of your post that "He's told me that its time to move on, that it should have been forgotten by now. "

Then at the end you said " he tells me that i have every right to think that there may be something going on because he hurt me so bad in the past."

This is the complete opposite end of how you began. Is he talking out of both sides of his mouth, do you think? Or are you conflicted and confused over how he really feels?

We're here to help, PineappleNinja - so please tell us more-

May 20, 2010 - 11:01am
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