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hello dear,

By Anonymous June 8, 2011 - 7:17am
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I am an Iranian, master student in Biotechnology. I am going to get divorce right in the court of Iran (because women don’t have a right for divorce in Iran). Also, I am not virgin because I had full sex with my husband because his name is in my ID card as my husband, and we passed the engage ceremony. While, the tradition in Iran is like this that you have to have a full sex (for removing virgin) in a special night when you treat all your friends and families for dinner. Now, my parents think that I am virgin, and I can’t tell them my problem, if my father knows, he will kill me. The other thing is if I didn’t say my parents, for my next marriage I will have so many problems, because it’s really important for men in Iran to get marriage with who is virgin or not. So, I really confused, and my husband also knows that I have this problem in front, so he doesn’t come to court and always he says: get divorce if you can. Please kindly, guide me is there any institute to support me and i seek refuge in that place? Getting lawyer need money and also they say you have to announce in the court that you are not virgin.

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question.

I had assumed that the mere fact that you are married shows you're not a virgin anymore, I wasn't aware that there was a special night that you lost your virginity with all your loved ones attending the dinner. Cultural norms are so different the world over.

As you well know, women in Iran are legally considered to be worth only one half of what a man is worth and the treatment of women in Iran is atrocious so be very careful what you do and who you talk to - even where you use a computer and make sure you delete your history on the computer and use a password.

It's very hard to find help in Iran itself because the country does not consider women to have any rights outside of being her husband's property so organizations are shut down and women flee the country.

I know you need your husband's permission to have a passport. Do you have one? Can you get one?

I'm sure you have heard of Shirin Ebadi, the Iranian lawyer who has worked relentless to end the human rights violations against women in Iran. Unfortunately, her organization was shut down.

You can try to contact Amnesty International here: http://www.amnesty.org/en/region/iran

Are you looking for asylum elsewhere? Is there another place you want to be? Try here: http://www.asylumlaw.org/asylumseeker/

Another group that may be able to help is the Iranian and Kurdish Women's Rights Organisation in the UK. You can contact here: http://www.facebook.com/IKWRO

Is Facebook available in Iran? If not, contact them here: http://www.ikwro.org.uk/

Again, please be very careful to not get caught looking for help, as the consequences can be terrible, as you know.

Please keep us updated and stay in touch often. Let us know if any of these suggestions help you-

June 8, 2011 - 11:34am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Dearest Susan,
I dont know how to express my appreciation to you. I dont think I could ever forget your kind.
One more thing that i have to tell you, furtunatly, from 2 years ago that i decided to get divorce, i got my passport and came to Malaysia, because i knew i can not stay there. But i didnt flee, i came so ligally and i am studing in malaysia now, but my husband dont accept the divorce and he doesnt come here to see my difficult situations, and you know that since his name is in my ID i can not have any relation to anybody else. And now he has gone to the court and has written a report that my wife is not coming back to obey my wishes. do you get my point? now my situation is complicated, i dont know if i come back to iran what will be happened to me. that is while my family also dont know about my virginity.
Dear, we have 2 ceremony for marriage: first of them called; AGHD: it means that the Molla make us Halal together (we can touch each other and sleep together but we have to be careful to dont lost vriginity). Second ceremony is after 3 months or 6 months or maximum 1 year, we called it; Aroosi (wedding night). In this night we experient full sex and in some ereas in iran, the husband have to show a little bit of blood of brid's privecy erea to all invited people, to tell them: "make sure that she has not have any sex before this and i am the only who lost her virgin".
According to this hell culture i have done some thing wrong, because i didnt pass my wedding night. we only engaged.
So, now what do you recomend me, please tell me the best and fastest way if you know.
with the best and warmest wishes and regards for you and your family.

Now you can understand how is important in Iran and i have problem for my next marriage.

June 8, 2011 - 1:18pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to fahabd)

Hi again fahabd

Thanks for your update and thank you for educating me how on things work with you in terms of your laws and culture, I love to learn this kind of information.

fahabd - what you need is legal advice and we cannot provide this. Your husband is in a country where he has far more rights that you and the law states that you cannot divorce him, but he can divorce you without even discussing it with you or giving you any kind of notice. These laws, as you know, are strictly adhered to in Iran. So if he refuses to grant you a divorce, then you need to hire a lawyer.

Please contact a divorce lawyer where you are and ask him or her to refer to you a lawyer who can help you out, in terms of international laws. There is nothing you can do unless you hire a lawyer.

We cannot find a lawyer for you in Malaysia but here is a list of free legal aid centers there that can give you a good start: http://www.malaysianbar.org.my/legal_aid_centres.html

Good luck and keep us posted. I'm so sorry you are in such a difficult situation; it's going against all your human rights. And remember that you are equal to everyone else around you. The fact that you are a woman does NOT mean you are less worthy.


June 9, 2011 - 8:17am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Dear Susan;
I appreciate to took the time to reply me again,
I will hire if i can and i hope to solve my problem.

June 9, 2011 - 12:00pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to fahabd)


I'm happy to help - if only a little. Please stay in touch with us, ok? We can provide as much emotional support as you need and can possibly do a little searching for you when needed!

Good luck and stay strong!

June 9, 2011 - 12:05pm
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