I was 50 years young, a court reporter for over 20 years and an elite marathon runner, positive, healthy, happy, full of life and energy. Hit by a drunk driver when I was sitting at a red light. I was in a small car, he in a truck going in excess of 45 miles an hour, no skid marks. I walked from the accident, my car completely smashed. Any passengers would have been killed instantly. My seat ripped from the bolts, dash board blew out. I did not hit anything in front of me. passed out, was hit again. Went to the hospital was released, told I would be okay, took a week off work, went back, stuttering immediately, depressed, anxious, very emotional, which I never was, would become enraged, which I never did, extremely agitated. Noises and people talking were horrible. Then about three weeks later, I pretty much couldn't speak, and when I did it hurt. My voice was very deep, didn't know what things were called, couldn't remember how to do things I did for 20 years, forgot instantly, was unable to multitask, which is everything to a court reporter. I would dial the wrong number even as I was staring at it, couldn't listen to someone and hold the telephone. Before the accident I spoke quickly, walked quickly, processed quickly. I weighed at the time because I was in training 96 pounds and I am 4 feet 10 inches. I am on Nuvigil, which helps sleep, agitation and emotionality. People do not understand. I look perfectly fine on the outside. I was a health nut, never took drugs, did not smoke, did not eat preservatives, lead an extremely healthy life, looked probably 10 years younger than I was. I do not want to take meds, but have come to terms that it might give me a quality of life. I am not who I was. I wake up everyday trying to find a way to like this stranger. I am dealing with the chronic pain. I question life and what it gives. I am at peace with even dying where before it scared the hell out of me because there was way too much I wanted to do before my ticket was pulled. Dealing with doctors and insurance companies and even people has become a job in itself. Humanity has gone by the wayside. I never missed a day of work. I always loved every job I have done, and going to work knowing I will fail at something, to pay attention to everything, write notes because I can't remember what just happened, becoming incredibly fatigued at all the noises and forcing my brain to processs without relief because I have to have a job to pay my bills and keep insurance begs the question of "Is there really joy in my life"? I feel I have so much to give doctors and other brain injured people and even families and friends to understand what is in the head of this person who they once knew or are even getting to know, but it seems I hit road block after road block. Why aren't they looking for meds to help with firing the brain in other areas to make up for the dead spots that do not provide the needed connection? Why don't doctors listen? Why isn't there some form of government to help with job placement. I have worked my whole life with no assistance, and when I ask for help there is none. I am still intelligent, but at times sound a bit retarded because of my speech and word retrieval. There is so much more, but is it worth the time.
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