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How can he LOVE me if he isnt sexually attracted to me anymore?

By June 1, 2010 - 7:38pm
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To start off I am a very sexual 26 years young woman and he is 30 and not so sexual. We have been together for year and half now and in the beginning our sex life was pretty great. Over the last 9 months or so the sex is very few and far between. I would prefer sex everyday but do not expect that from him nor demand it of him. I would say something to him after couple weeks would go by and I couldnt stand feeling upset anymore but it woould always end the same. He would apologize after we fought and a day or so after then we would have sex. He just never seems to be in the mood and he always makes me feel as though he could really care less about sex. In the beginning he almost did want anything to do with me because he thought I was a prude because I would reciprocate his sexual advances while in the process of getting to know him. I have often found stuff on his computer browse history, so I know he looks at porn online and obviously gets 'friendly' with himself. We have had our problems in our relationship nothing big but he is just starting to really take our relationship seriously and doing some really hard work to fix some problems. Hes showing me more appriciation now, more then he ever has. Then out of nowhere and on the ending of a sexless 3 day weekend I get upset becuase again we dont have sex when I had been anticatapting it all weekend, he tells me that the truth is my weight is a problem for him. I know he has 'been with' woman way larger then myself before. I have never been told my weight was a problem for anyone but after almost 2 years its a problem for him? He acts extremely jealous when other guys look at me as though they want me, but why if he doesnt 'want' me? After he said that to me I cried myself to sleep that night and he acts like everything is perfect after that, like he didnt just crush me. He almost seem relieved like now that he said that hes off the hook for good because now I wont want sex from him.* IF* I did allow myself somehow to have sex with him, I dont think that I could. I think I would feel like he was only doing it to shut me up or keep me from sleeping with someone else and while he was having sex with me I would feel like it was pure torture for him. Where does that leave us now because I think he is doing the 'Love Dare' on me to try to work on us. Does he really love me if he doesnt want to have sex with me? I thought when you really love soemone you dont see the flaws. I thought the sexual attraction was on a deeper level then just the outside. Afterall I dont see his massive amounts of back hair and his bald head when we have sex.... I want him just as much as I did the first time. Please, any advice at all would be great! Thank you :)

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi I'm 22 years old and I am having problems with my fiancé. We've been together for 6 years now and we moved in together everything was going great but then he started having bad anxiety attacks. We decided for him to get on medication to help him with his anxiety and the meds have lowered his sex drive. It is harder for him to ejaculate and he just doesn't want to have sex anymore. The other day we argued and I told him that I was feeling sad and he said that the meds make him feel like he is not attracted to me sexually. He just doesn't find me attractive. I cried and he apologized and blamed it on the meds but I'm heartbroken because I want to feel connected again. He said he feels like he is not emotionally connected to me and. That he feels distant and that upsets me because I do not feel like I have grown distant from him. I want to support him and help him get better but I have needs too and I am upset because he doesn't even love me the way he used too. For me sex is not just sex. For me sex is love and when I have sex I wanna make love not just have sex and lately that's all it's been is just sex.. now I feel like I am becoming distant from him. I do not know what to do. He kisses and tells me he loves me but since he told me he is not attracted to me I am torn and I have cried myself to sleep for the last three days. I just don't know what to do and I don't know if I can handle this rejection.

November 29, 2016 - 12:28am
EmpowHER Guest

Wow. I thought I was the only woman in the world feeling this way. It makes me sad that im not the only one going through this but I now feel less alone. My situation is the same as many yet the background is quite different from anything else I've read here so far so I'm still confused about how he's really feeling. First of all we are both now 41. We met a year and a half ago. I was a waitress and he was a mechanic next door and all the guys would come over n get drinks throughout the day. I saw him and love at first sight for me. Totally my type. Tattoos. Blue eyes. Sigh lol. We start talking more and I find out he's been talking to a girl he met at his son's daycare. 24 year old skinny petite redhead and that's HIS type. Now I'm 41 as I said but people rarely guess I'm over 25. Idk. Good genes? I've quite often been told I'm beautiful gorgeous sexy. Attention from men 16 to 90 isn't a problem. Filthy rich or crackheads. And I'm in great shape. Tallish at 5'7". 130 lbs nice b cup great butt. Very long thick brown hair. Im not trying to sound conceited cause I'm not. But as I said. He likes tiny young redheads so who cares how hot 98% of the rest of the population thinks I am. But I digress. So hes talking to the redhead. But not dating her. We end up having a couple flings. Then he does start dating her and of course I'm crushed but dont want him to know. They break up after a month or so and I don't think he had hardly left her driveway and he's calling me. Of course I'm on a date lol. So the next day on we've been together ever since. Now the craziness begins. I move out of the house im staying at with this old rich guy cause he doesnt like me having a bf. Start staying in hotels and eventually my waitressing job isn't covering it. So I start escorting which I've done in the past. And at first I dont tell him. Then we both start smoking meth. And if youre gonna get judgy please keep it to yourself. You dont know me or my regrets. Anyways eventually he quits his job n starts staying with me full time and I quit my job so now he knows and condones it. Months go by in a drug induced blur and finally we find a house to rent and we both agree the escorting has to stop. It does. Backtracking we had both gotten arrested (imagine that) and he ends up on drug offender probation curfew all that stuff. Has to live in this county can't transfer. I am a multiple convicted felon (not proud just saying) with no family in the state. So we're both kinda stuck where we're at. But both being clean we've never been happier or more in love. I think. I do everything for him. Is that why he stays?? I kiss his ass. But no sex now. Never. He rejects me makes excuses. At first he said it was because of the escorting but we agreed to drop the past and start over. He said he couldn't lose me. But now I wonder. Is it cause we're not high anymore? Cause if you don't know and I hope u don't but there's nothing like sex on meth. Nobody has ever made me feel as insecure as he has. He constantly brings up 3somes and im considering it cause I love him and dont wanna lose him but the thought of him with someone else kills me. Oh I forgot to mention how when we first got together he'd hit on all the other waitresses and all my friends just trying to find one for a threesome. I get it. He's 41 and never had one. I just dont know what to do. Im so happy with my life in general now finally for the first time in a long time but this feeling if inadequacy is foreign to me and I hate it! I just dont know what to do. Theres so much more i could go on about but this is so long already im so sorry. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent and know im not completely alone.

November 4, 2016 - 8:01pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

My advice is that you get rid of this man who seems to be using you and focus on your new life and sobriety. Toxic relationships and the anxiety the cause can cause relapses.

Your priority is you and you are fixated on keeping him happy. Doing everything to keep him happy may seem important now and make you feel important to him but you are both ex-cons and ex drug addict. Any counselor would tell you to break free and get sober from him and your need to feel wanted.

You'd think a sober life would be more important to him that asking for threesomes and not having sex with you at all.

You have made a ton of mistakes (most of us have!) and now you have turned a corner. Your sexy face and boobs and ass don't matter because real men don't care about that! They care about you - the real you. Just because he's 41 and has never had a threesome doesn't mean you owe him one! He sounds selfish and immature. You deserve more.


November 9, 2016 - 2:19pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years now. We started dating when we were 17. We have always had a deep connection and we are truly best friends. The problem is he has never been attracted to my body. I have gained about 20 lbs since we started dating, and I know he is not attracted to me at all now. He has grown distant. Anytime he sees an old picture of me he talks about how good I looked, but the thing is at the time he never thought i was attractive, there has always been something about my body that needed to change. I have never been overweight. When we started dating I was 110 lbs, now I am 130lbs. He makes me feel so ugly, when most people would be more than happy to have my body. He doesn't abuse me, we are best friends, and he loves me. But I never feel good enough. I want to be with him, but I also want someone to be attracted to me.

November 2, 2016 - 9:01am
EmpowHER Guest

I thought I was the only one in this boat! I have been with my BF for 3.5 years, of which the last 1.5 years has been long distance. We had been planning on relocating to a warmer climate and I was offered a job and took it. We email/text and talk to each other daily. I know he genuinely cares for me and he does tell me that he loves me. He does sweet things for me like download my favorite movie, or purchase a self defense ring for me to wear when I am out walking. When we first met the sex was good but very few and far between. If things go as I no doubt will, as of this 2016 Christmas day it will have been 3 years since we last had sex. As a back story, he would complain of some pain "down there" after orgasm and did have it looked at. Nothing major, thankfully. I would bring up his lack of attention and absolute zero sex issues with him. He mentioned my weight as well as his being a factor and that having a healthier weight is more attractive. I am not defending his statement, at the time I was quite large and had already been improving myself by dropping a lot of weight. It is certainly not something that anyone wants to hear, but he is sincere when he says something even if it stings. Fast forward 3 years now and I am now down to a weight that I was in high school. He himself has improved and dropped 20 pounds, but I have always thought he looked sexy. I recently went back to NY to help him with some moving issues and I guess I was expecting too much. I had these grand ideas that he would not be able to control himself and rip my clothes off me. Not the case. I want to blame it on the stress of packing and moving, feeling awkward at not seeing each other in 9 months etc. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but hope I am not fooling myself in the process.

He is finally moving out to be with me in the next week. The rest of our belongings are on their way. We had a interesting discussion on the phone the other night regarding sex. He says that at the age of 52, sex is not a big priority in his life. I am 45 and I am still very much interested in being with him sexually. Being with someone that has the same values, likes, dislikes, similar hobbies, someone that you are compatible with, someone that you know has your back and cares how your day is going is what is important to him. He says he is willing to work on the one part of our relationship that is not functioning. I realize that looks and sex fade and are not the cement that holds relationship foundations together. I have never wanted a relationship that was ALL about sex. Little did I know that I would be in the exact opposite kind of relationship that has no sex at all. I'm at a loss of what to do. Do you walk away from someone that you love and know they love you because you don't feel like a woman around them, you don't feel desired or wanted. Are those reasons to cash in your chips? I think I need to work on fixing my own self esteem more and love the person that I am. I use to always love me. Funny how that embarrassment of rejection can destroy your confidence so quickly. Any advice?


October 31, 2016 - 11:29pm

I'm sorry for what you're going through ladies,but your not alone. ...
I am 28 and I was forced or pushed to get married by my family and he knew that I was forced to marry him... once he told me he wanted me because I said no and no one says no to him , in my culture their is engagement first which is legally called marriage but the actual wedding is when you wear the wedding gown and make the wedding ceremonies ...So in my culture I'm just engaged. ..at the beginning I hated him it was so difficult I wanted to die ..I had depression and gained wait , I tried everything to get out of this situation but after a couple of months ,when I noticed how good he treats me and that he respects me and he says that he loves me so much I tried to accept what's happening to me and try to look at things from another perspective. .But on the other hand I feel that he doesn't desire me or look at me like he wants me even when I wear sexy tight clothes..or wear makup or do my hair ...and months can pass by with just kisses on my cheek even if i tried to kiss him he will gently turn away and kiss me in my cheek..
I started to worry but I said nothing then suddenly he insisted having sex even though it's not approved in our culture to have sex before the ceremonies ..so we agreed to have sex without penetration. ..what I noticed he didn't want to look at my body ,he turned of the lights he avoided touching my boobs ...he tried to be good but it was obvious that he was not enjoying it ..I'm suspected that he might be gay because I found out that some of his friends are gay ...
He always lies I can't trust him and I found out that he's not responsible. .we have troubles but I want to escalate them to divorce it's difficult but I feel maybe it's better. ..
I'm afraid from hurting him after all what he have done to me ...
Should I go forward and get divorce?

October 18, 2016 - 3:43pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Noormana)

Hi Noomana

Thanks you for sharing your story.

It sounds like both of you were forced to marry and neither of you love each other.

Just because your husband has gay friends does not make him gay but if he has no sexual interest in a woman's body, he may be gay. He may have an outside partner that you don't know about so be very careful about disease.

You need to have a really honest conversation with him. If divorce is imminent then you will need to go ahead with it - it's better to divorce and live an honest life although I suspect if you culture is very strict, your husband will never be able to be public about his homosexuality (if that's the case).

However ,that is not your concern. Please talk to him and sort this out. A marriage to a man who will not touch you and is not honest is not a marriage in the true sense.


October 19, 2016 - 5:48am
EmpowHER Guest

Im 32 years old. My boyfriend told me he isnt attracted to me and he says im fat. Since then, i havent tried being intimate with him. When he wants to, i give him orall, but i dont get anything in return. I have needs but i dont want to always nag him about it and then get rejected anyways. Overall our relationship is okay. But i feel so alone, disgusting, and very sad. Even when we used to have sex, there was never any foreplay for me, just him. Then it would be over so fast, i wouldnt be satisfied. Im begining to get used to our runt but have felt even worse about myself now. I
try very much to please him but i dont get the same. Im just getting tired of feeling humiliated and dont really bring it up now. But my attitude towards him changes, i snap at him and i even started feeling annoyed by him. He'll talk about other women and what he used to do. I think to myself how horrible i must be because he never wants to be intimate with me

September 5, 2016 - 11:25pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Thanks for posting!

You really need to dump this guy and move on. He is using your mouth for sex and insulting and belittling you. If he thinks you're fat tell him you can lose 175lbs of awful weight in a minute when you dump him!

You may not think you can do better but you can do so much better and you deserve to be treated with respect and love. This man is enjoying hurting you and using you. You really need to end this relationship. Be strong!


September 6, 2016 - 6:58am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi I'm 20 and have just had my second baby, I know I'm abit young but take care of my children as good as any mother. My partner of 4 years has recently been acting strange we had sex 2 weeks after I had my baby and a few times and then all of a sudden it stopped. I stated that he mustn't be attracted to me anymore because I've had his babies and he just didn't say anything back to me I went to sleep and he slept on the couch that night. I really love him and I know he loves me but I don't know what to do if he isn't attracted to me anymore. Sex was a big thing in our relationship before our children and yes I have put on abit of weight but I have never thouht of myself as ugly as such not gorgeous but not ugly and if he isn't attracted to me then I don't think I can stay with him because I believe that attraction is a big part of our relationship and important to me. But I can't just walk away from our beautiful family as it's very selfish of me for our children. Someone help me should I try really hard to lose the weight and put an effort into how I present myself or should I just leave and then try to better myself because if he dosent find me attractive now then how will he ever. No judgement please just help

July 11, 2016 - 8:02am
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