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How can he LOVE me if he isnt sexually attracted to me anymore?

By June 1, 2010 - 7:38pm
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To start off I am a very sexual 26 years young woman and he is 30 and not so sexual. We have been together for year and half now and in the beginning our sex life was pretty great. Over the last 9 months or so the sex is very few and far between. I would prefer sex everyday but do not expect that from him nor demand it of him. I would say something to him after couple weeks would go by and I couldnt stand feeling upset anymore but it woould always end the same. He would apologize after we fought and a day or so after then we would have sex. He just never seems to be in the mood and he always makes me feel as though he could really care less about sex. In the beginning he almost did want anything to do with me because he thought I was a prude because I would reciprocate his sexual advances while in the process of getting to know him. I have often found stuff on his computer browse history, so I know he looks at porn online and obviously gets 'friendly' with himself. We have had our problems in our relationship nothing big but he is just starting to really take our relationship seriously and doing some really hard work to fix some problems. Hes showing me more appriciation now, more then he ever has. Then out of nowhere and on the ending of a sexless 3 day weekend I get upset becuase again we dont have sex when I had been anticatapting it all weekend, he tells me that the truth is my weight is a problem for him. I know he has 'been with' woman way larger then myself before. I have never been told my weight was a problem for anyone but after almost 2 years its a problem for him? He acts extremely jealous when other guys look at me as though they want me, but why if he doesnt 'want' me? After he said that to me I cried myself to sleep that night and he acts like everything is perfect after that, like he didnt just crush me. He almost seem relieved like now that he said that hes off the hook for good because now I wont want sex from him.* IF* I did allow myself somehow to have sex with him, I dont think that I could. I think I would feel like he was only doing it to shut me up or keep me from sleeping with someone else and while he was having sex with me I would feel like it was pure torture for him. Where does that leave us now because I think he is doing the 'Love Dare' on me to try to work on us. Does he really love me if he doesnt want to have sex with me? I thought when you really love soemone you dont see the flaws. I thought the sexual attraction was on a deeper level then just the outside. Afterall I dont see his massive amounts of back hair and his bald head when we have sex.... I want him just as much as I did the first time. Please, any advice at all would be great! Thank you :)

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I'm sorry for what you're going through ladies,but your not alone. ...
I am 28 and I was forced or pushed to get married by my family and he knew that I was forced to marry him... once he told me he wanted me because I said no and no one says no to him , in my culture their is engagement first which is legally called marriage but the actual wedding is when you wear the wedding gown and make the wedding ceremonies ...So in my culture I'm just engaged. ..at the beginning I hated him it was so difficult I wanted to die ..I had depression and gained wait , I tried everything to get out of this situation but after a couple of months ,when I noticed how good he treats me and that he respects me and he says that he loves me so much I tried to accept what's happening to me and try to look at things from another perspective. .But on the other hand I feel that he doesn't desire me or look at me like he wants me even when I wear sexy tight clothes..or wear makup or do my hair ...and months can pass by with just kisses on my cheek even if i tried to kiss him he will gently turn away and kiss me in my cheek..
I started to worry but I said nothing then suddenly he insisted having sex even though it's not approved in our culture to have sex before the ceremonies ..so we agreed to have sex without penetration. ..what I noticed he didn't want to look at my body ,he turned of the lights he avoided touching my boobs ...he tried to be good but it was obvious that he was not enjoying it ..I'm suspected that he might be gay because I found out that some of his friends are gay ...
He always lies I can't trust him and I found out that he's not responsible. .we have troubles but I want to escalate them to divorce it's difficult but I feel maybe it's better. ..
I'm afraid from hurting him after all what he have done to me ...
Should I go forward and get divorce?

October 18, 2016 - 3:43pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Noormana)

Hi Noomana

Thanks you for sharing your story.

It sounds like both of you were forced to marry and neither of you love each other.

Just because your husband has gay friends does not make him gay but if he has no sexual interest in a woman's body, he may be gay. He may have an outside partner that you don't know about so be very careful about disease.

You need to have a really honest conversation with him. If divorce is imminent then you will need to go ahead with it - it's better to divorce and live an honest life although I suspect if you culture is very strict, your husband will never be able to be public about his homosexuality (if that's the case).

However ,that is not your concern. Please talk to him and sort this out. A marriage to a man who will not touch you and is not honest is not a marriage in the true sense.


October 19, 2016 - 5:48am
EmpowHER Guest

Im 32 years old. My boyfriend told me he isnt attracted to me and he says im fat. Since then, i havent tried being intimate with him. When he wants to, i give him orall, but i dont get anything in return. I have needs but i dont want to always nag him about it and then get rejected anyways. Overall our relationship is okay. But i feel so alone, disgusting, and very sad. Even when we used to have sex, there was never any foreplay for me, just him. Then it would be over so fast, i wouldnt be satisfied. Im begining to get used to our runt but have felt even worse about myself now. I
try very much to please him but i dont get the same. Im just getting tired of feeling humiliated and dont really bring it up now. But my attitude towards him changes, i snap at him and i even started feeling annoyed by him. He'll talk about other women and what he used to do. I think to myself how horrible i must be because he never wants to be intimate with me

September 5, 2016 - 11:25pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon!

Thanks for posting!

You really need to dump this guy and move on. He is using your mouth for sex and insulting and belittling you. If he thinks you're fat tell him you can lose 175lbs of awful weight in a minute when you dump him!

You may not think you can do better but you can do so much better and you deserve to be treated with respect and love. This man is enjoying hurting you and using you. You really need to end this relationship. Be strong!


September 6, 2016 - 6:58am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi I'm 20 and have just had my second baby, I know I'm abit young but take care of my children as good as any mother. My partner of 4 years has recently been acting strange we had sex 2 weeks after I had my baby and a few times and then all of a sudden it stopped. I stated that he mustn't be attracted to me anymore because I've had his babies and he just didn't say anything back to me I went to sleep and he slept on the couch that night. I really love him and I know he loves me but I don't know what to do if he isn't attracted to me anymore. Sex was a big thing in our relationship before our children and yes I have put on abit of weight but I have never thouht of myself as ugly as such not gorgeous but not ugly and if he isn't attracted to me then I don't think I can stay with him because I believe that attraction is a big part of our relationship and important to me. But I can't just walk away from our beautiful family as it's very selfish of me for our children. Someone help me should I try really hard to lose the weight and put an effort into how I present myself or should I just leave and then try to better myself because if he dosent find me attractive now then how will he ever. No judgement please just help

July 11, 2016 - 8:02am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Thanks for your post!

We don't offer judgments here on EmpowHER - just good advice and facts

You do need to lose weight after having kids - the vast majority of us do. We need to do this to stay healthy for our children, be active with them and to show a good example for health and fitness.

Losing weigh is also for you, so that you can settle back into your "old" body and feel back to normal.

Just bear in mind that after two kids, you may never get to where you were but that is normal. You grew two humans in your body and that makes the body change. Celebrate that! You have accomplished a lot! Health and fitness should not focus on losing weight and being thin. It's about eating well, working out and feeling great.

As to your partner - that's a sit-down-and-chat face to face situation. Tell him you miss him and love him and ask what you can do to get things back to the good times. Babies can be stressful and you are very young but it's doesn't mean you can't work it out.

You don't know how he feels so don't second guess things. Have an honest, adult conversation with him. He also needs to be honest with you.

Keep us posted and good luck!


July 11, 2016 - 4:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

My husband and I have been together for 3 years he just admitted to me last night that he doesn't, nor has ever found me sexually attractive. I feel that this aspect is important to a marriage and I won't get a divorce I just am at a loss and want to end my life I am 30 and pregnant with my 4th child. I don't believe I would find it somewhere else. I am so attracted to him but he would rather masterbate than have sex with me. I am ready to end my life after I give birth to his daughter and he calls me crazy. But the issue isn't my weight or anything that I can change I am just not physically his type. But I gave him what he needed someone hopelessly in love with him. He had never had that before me. I can't live another 40 years with a man who can't physically attracted to me who doesn't want to have sex with me. I losing my mind and I am scared I will drag the kids down with me. Where if I just end my life no one suffers as bad as they would and I could die his wife which is all I ever wanted

April 14, 2016 - 5:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel the same way you do. Together for 4 years, married for 2 this coming November 2016. We didn't have sex on our Honeymoon....at all! We don't have sex on our long weekends, or when we take trips out of town. He masturbates all the time to woman who look nothing like me, but he's always too tired to have sex with me. I can have sex every day, but I wouldn't even dare ask him for it that often. When I am literally begging for sex, he just doesn't care, and claims I just want sex more than him. If we happen to have sex once a month, he always looks away, he never kisses me and just lays there. I am ready to leave him last week. I love the man he is, but I hate the husband that he is. I am so hurt, that I feel numb to everything. It has consumed me, and I feel like I'm less than a mother, and a wife because I just don't have the energy to be happy. I'm so frustrated, I feel this post is even confusing because I'm just crying and typing, crying and typing, not spell checking, not caring about anything. How can my husband love me, when I don't even feel like he likes me. I hate myself, and starting to hate hi, too.

October 6, 2016 - 6:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

First of all, please know you aren't alone in this. So many women are in the same boat.
I blame the rampant amount of porn available and distorted fantasy body image that society deems attractive.
My BF puts a pillow over his head during sex. How's that for insulting?
I'm sad and confused all the time. He doesn't even want to cuddle with me anymore. I don't understand why I stay.

October 6, 2016 - 9:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have been in Love with my Best Friend and we've been together for almost two years now. I've realized that Sex is a very big Important Thing to me... He doesn't want it anymore. I feel like I'm begging him so I quit asking him or saying anything at all....
The worst part for me is that he has quite a reputation for being good in bed but I never saw him that way until I fell in love with him. No, he's not the Biggest or anything but I LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY! When we do have sex it's when he wants it, not me!!! I feel sad and alone a lot of the time.
He said he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me. He said it's not just Physical but he Emotionally Loves me. Can that be True? I don't know and would appreciate some Feedback when someone gets the chance please?

October 17, 2016 - 10:49pm
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