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How can I be confident in my relationship when other women flirt with my man in my presence?

By November 24, 2009 - 11:38pm
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My guy and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. I am 38, he is 31. We have been living together the better part of the 2 1/2 years. I was previously married for 10 years. He has never been married but has been in at least one relationship that lasted over a year. I don't believe they lived together, but unsure. Anyway, we work out at the same gym together. He belonged there prior to me moving in. When I first joined, he said he had brought other girls there in the past and they felt insecure being there with him b-c they didn't feel confident around the other women who were there. Much to his surprise, I was in better shape than he thought and his friends began to make comments about how I was in better shape than any other person at the gym. Nice fiends! Anyway, there is a trainer who has been there prior to me joining and currently working there. She is 27 and has an incredible body. Big boobs, little waist great butt and no kids haha (I have 4). Anyway I have always called her my nemisis b-c she is the one person at the gym who totally annoys me. I suppose it's the way she walks around all cocky like she is a spoiled princess. Of course she's hot and all the guys talk to her. She had dated one guy from the gym (average guy) and then just broke off an engagement with another guy who used to work at the gym (kind of nerdy). Since they broke up she has gone out of her way to flirt with my guy- from waving REALLY BIG all the way across the room, to talking to him while he is working out and she is training someone. When I see this going on, I'll look at my guy, and he gets this little smirk on his face. I used to say that it bothered me, but now I just don't bother. She was fine while she was engaged, but now it's as if she's waving her arms "Hey everybody, I'm single!!!" First of all, when I am at the gym, I'm very polite and professional. I would never dream of talking to or flirting with another woman's husband. I have many friends at the gym who say that I am very genuine, sweet, and not full of myself. Truth be told, I just can't stand arrogant or cocky people. This person is driving me crazy. Of course I try to be nice to her but she struts around like she's the shi*. At home, I help my guy with his car projects, and even help him load motorcycles and engines into his truck. I don't think princess would ever risk breaking a nail to help him do anything like that. I'm not so much worried that he would end our relationship to be with her, after all we do live together. However, I wonder what I can do to NOT feel jealous. I doubt there is anything I can do to get her to stop flirting with my guy, but if there is, I would like to know. I just don't think it's right for this person to think it's open season on all men (teken or not) at the gym just because she's single. Any advice?

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In addition to echoing Susan's great advice, I would just ask you to ask yourself, what are you most afraid of here?

It's clear that you have good friends, a great body and a solid relationship. Is she a threat to any of those?

Sometimes, there is something about the people who most annoy us that reminds us of something in ourselves that we don't like. It's hard to see sometimes, but it can be there. Could that be the case here?

How is the state of your relationship otherwise? Are you moving toward marriage? Is that something that either or both of you want?

November 26, 2009 - 9:43am
HERWriter Guide


Thanks for your post!

Truth be told, you cannot change her. You can only change your reaction to her. Ignoring her may be too hard - instead - think about moving to another gym because it's not worth the aggravation! Your boyfriend also has an opportunity to walk away or tell her that he isn't comfortable hanging out with her (for any purpose, at any time). That's up to him and if he cares enough about you, he'll do it.

Some gyms (as I am sure you know!) are notorious meat markets and this kind of behavior may be difficult to stop. I personally prefer a home gym - that may be something you can think about. Second hand equipment in good condition is very easy to find these days.

You are 38 with four kids and honestly, you are way too old to be engaging in these kinds of high school feuds with the "sexy single girl". Don't lower yourself to a bitchy competition, comparing a younger woman's butt and boobs - I mean, really! That is beneath women of our age.

I am no "princess" (well, not much!) but I have no interest in cars or mechanics - so what? Doesn't make me (or her) a diva. She may just not be interested in mechanical things, no more than I am.

Ignore the woman and move on, and leave the bickering and internal mental chatter to the teenagers. All it will serve to do is eat you up inside and isn't it much better to be at peace, that fighting a battle with someone who hardly even know?

We all deserve inner peace - you included! Give yourself that opportunity by changing your reaction to her. She may be a pest, or she may be a fun girl who is misunderstood and disliked by older women. I have no idea. But immersing yourself in a gym like this may be good for your body but bad for your mind. There is a happy medium.

Another idea is to head to a woman-only gym. Here you won't find flirting (even gay women aren't going to behave like this) and you can focus on why you are at the gym : to stay fit. Not to participate or feed into teenage-like melodrama.

Don't refer to her as your "nemesis" - rather, you are your own "nemesis" by focusing on her and competing with her. If you are happy, healthy and in a good relationship, then you have already won: there is no "competition". You can also think about befriending her. You never know - you could end up buddies!

Think about it, at least. There are other options out there for you:
Home gym
Change your gym
Stay at the gym, but go at times she isn't there.
All female gym

Good luck and in the whole scheme of things, let this one go. It's not worth it for you. All that intense dislike and jealousy will eat YOU up and no-one else - and is some random woman at the gym really worth it?

Please take care of yourself and we wish you the best.

November 25, 2009 - 12:27pm
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