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How can I fix it????

By October 6, 2009 - 1:08am
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I've always had people take care of me, now I lean on my partner...last night we had the mother of all fights, and it resulted in him teling me ,yes he loves me but there is a small part of him that wants to have sex with other women...he's distant, I say I love you and he just replies automtically...I know it can work..but he's not giving me much to work WITH....And it's breaking my heart...It hurts to think about it and I cry..like...all the time...HELP!!!! I can't lose him.

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Thanks for your post and welcome!

Diane has given you some great advice and I don't have too much to add, except...why can't you lose him? If you feel you cannot live without him, you might be in a dangerous position where the balance is very unevenly tipped in his favor. You need him, he might need you. You need more equality in your relationship. You don't know it can work, really. You don't. Because it can only work if both of you are in it 100% and he may not be. That is up to both of you to work on - and work out.

One other thing - he says that he loves you but may want to have sex with other women. That's ok. Some may disagree but many men may feel attracted to other women (and women to men) - and it's ok! It's whether we do something about it that matters. We don't lose our general libido when we are in a relationship. We are human and monogramy is not a natural state for humans. Hence why so few of us do it! But monogamy is a choice that many of us make. Don't let it scare you that he thinks about other women. It is a bad thing if he is constantly fantasizing, flirting or (hopefully not!) acting on his desires. But if he appreciates other women but remains true to you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Which do you think it is? Do you think he may step outside the relationship? This is a serious issue.

I wish you the best in your relationship but unless you work on you first (your need to have complete dependence on other people) your relationships may always be troubled. A confident woman is very sexy to a man - and very healthy for her.

As Diane said, there may be other 'you' factors going on, like depression. Would you consider therapy - not couple's therapy, but just for you?

October 7, 2009 - 12:18pm


I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time in your relationship. I have been there before and I know how it feels.

From reading what you write, I get the idea that you feel needy, and that part of your desperate feelings about keeping your boyfriend have to do with that need. I have to tell you, Katrina, that is rarely attractive to someone else. It often makes people pull away. I think it's important for you to realize that, should you and your boyfriend break up, you would be perfectly fine. You would cry and be sad, of course, but you could make it. You could. You would figure out how.

Can you think about that? Can you see that a woman who is fun and somewhat independent and secure in her own self is more attractive and more fun to be with?

Having said that, I want to say that in order for two people to grow closer, both of them want to do it. It cannot be just one person trying to make everything all better. You say you know it can work, but do you think he feels that way? Does he seem happy when the two of you are normally together?

You talk about being down, and crying all the time. Is this just recent, or have you been like this for a while? Is there a possibility you are dealing with depression, which can change your behaviors and your mental state?

How old are the two of you, and how long have you been together? Have you discussed a longtime commitment?

October 7, 2009 - 8:29am
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