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How can I help my boyfriend have more sex with me?

By Anonymous June 28, 2010 - 10:46am
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I know that a lot of people ask questions like this but I think my situation is a little unique.

I'm 30 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for a year now (he's 31) and before we started dating he had always said he wasn't a sexual person so I didn't expect a whole lot of sex all the time anyway.

The problem I'm having is that I want to have sex a lot more than he does. If I were to leave it up to him we would only have sex once a week. A lot of times when I ask for sex he says yes but then he falls asleep or forgets about it. I feel like I would literally have to harrass him to get him and I obviously don't want to be a pain or feel like I'm begging - I really want it to be mutual.

When I bring the topic up he always says that he isn't a sexual person. During one of our conversations he told me how he had numerous partners that were one night stands for cheap thrills. I know that his number of partners is very high. This makes me feel terrible. Not because I'm jealous of his past or anything, but because I feel like he had so much sex in the past but he won't have sex with me because we're in love. I'm really confused. How can you be a "non-sexual" person but have had so much sex?

I've addressed this with him a few times and even spent days dwelling thinking about it even crying for hours wondering why I can't have him in a sexual way. Like maybe if I was a whore he'd be more interested. He tells me that he was in love with someone in the past and when she left him he was extremely angry and that's how he took out his anger. It's really confusing to me and I don't want to always bring it up to him because I don't want him to think that all I care about is sex (and I don't). What we have is very special and I love him. I don't know how to handle this to help him see its healthy and that when 2 people love each other they can share eachother's bodies without it being cheap. At the same time I need to calm my own mind. I'm driving myself crazy over this and I don't want to ruin what we have which is very special, but let's face it, it's important to feel desired especially by the person you love.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

I am sure Diane is thrilled she helped you. Remember that sometimes it may take an outside opinion that turns on that light bulb to make sense of it all. We hope to see you again!


June 30, 2010 - 1:39pm


You are right. It's very important to feel loved and desired by the person you're with. If we feel unappealing or unwanted or rejected, it can totally do a number on our self-esteem and confidence.

It sounds like your boyfriend knows himself pretty well. He warned you up front that he wasn't a very sexual person, and it turns out that he isn't. That was OK with you in the beginning, but now it's troubling you because you have a higher libido than he does and you're frustrated.

I can see how the many one-night stands could make you feel insecure, but it seems like your boyfriend sees those past episodes of casual sex as in a completely different category than longtime love. Regardless of whether a one-night-stand is great or horrible, it's over in a night. But your relationship now is an ongoing, living, changing thing, and it requires work and compromise and thinking of the other person. This may be harder for him to do when it comes to sex.

It's possible that he has low testosterone levels, which would absolutely affect his sex drive. He could ask his doctor to be tested for this.

Does he see this as a problem too? Or is he fine with things the way they are?

June 30, 2010 - 9:30am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

Your response is exactly what I needed to hear. It's what the stronger part of my mind thinks. The insecure part takes over though because it's more unstable and that's when I start to panic.

In answer to your question, yes he is fine with everything the way it is. He only sees it as a problem when it makes me upset.

June 30, 2010 - 12:06pm
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