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How can I improve unusual sex life w/ my husband

By February 26, 2016 - 10:47pm
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Long story short, my husband has PTSD / Anxiety / Depression. Since he started on medication about 3 years ago to treat those issues, our sex life has suffered. Understand we have spoken to numerous doctors about it and changed medications more times than I can count. The issue is that he can't orgasm, we will have sex for at least an hour... sometimes 2 or 2.5 hours. This is exhausting for me, I can orgasm quickly with or without him, so after 15-20 minutes I have achieved multiple orgasms leaving me exhausted. Trust me, it's not as good as it sounds. On the other hand, my husband watches porn constantly and admits it. He is a part time student, our children attend school outside of the home and I work full time outside the home as well so he has plenty of time for this. He stays up until 2-3 AM alone every night. He says he doesn't masturbate, but admits to "touching himself all day" and watching porn but not masturbating. Over the last few weeks I have noticed that he takes VERY long showers and eventually realized he was taking his phone into the shower and masturbating to porn in the shower. When I confronted him, he denied it even though I made it clear I didn't mind that he did it. It only bothers me (other than him lying about it) because I am frustrated that he won't achieve orgasm during sex, and I relate that to the fact that he has already had one, or two during the day. I have always been open with him and told him that it hurts my feelings / self esteem, etc that he never "finishes" when we have sex, and reminded him of that when I brought up his shower habit. He denies it, says he's only done it a couple of times... and gets angry with me because he says I am not giving him any personal space and that I "don't have to know everything he does". I've tried having conversations about why it bothers me (because it effects me when we have sex, it takes SO long and he never finishes). He doesn't understand my position or why I "put too much thought into it". Hopefully no one else has this issue -but if you do, what are you doing about it? For the record, we are both under 35 and in good physical shape (not overweight).

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Finethats

Thank you for your post!

I'm sorry this is going on in your home and marriage.

Sex itself isn't so much the issue as it's your husband's addiction to porn that may be the underlying cause. There isn't anything you can do sexually to get your marriage back on track - your husband needs to admit his addiction and get help for it.

With mobile phones and free porn all over the Internet, addiction is happening more and more and it really is destroying relationships.

It really doesn't matter that he's saying he doesn't masturbate but touches himself all day - this is just playing with words. Touching himself all day IS masturbation. If he admits to some of it, it's likely to be ten times worse in reality.

Anti-depressives can very much interfere with the ability to orgasm. Some anti-depressives like Welbutrin don't have these side effects. But regardless, he's still a porn addict.

Read more on sex addiction here: http://www.empowher.com/sex-addiction/content/sex-addiction

Talk to your husband about counseling, he needs intensive counseling and perhaps you both need couples counseling. Let us know how the conversations goes.


February 27, 2016 - 7:48am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Susan - Thank you. He's not open to counseling. He says it's not a problem, it's just something he does to pass time. We've tried welbutrin, however coupled with the other medications (there are so many I couldn't even name them) it didn't have a good reaction so we moved to a different drug. I believe you're right with the addiction, and I appreciate you pointing it out to me. I think that since he doesn't want to have a productive conversation with me, I'll bring it up next time we go together to his primary care doctor with the VA, maybe they can help.
I am just frustrated because we've always had a good open relationship, no need to hide things, and now I feel like he's hiding his masturbaton habits.. without a real reason to (we've always been open about this in the 9 years we've been married).
Thanks again

February 28, 2016 - 3:24am
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