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how can i relax enough to try sex for the first time?

By November 26, 2009 - 2:35am
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im 21 and have been in a two year relationship, but so far i have not been able to go through with intercourse, i know your thinking wow two years!? is he crazy? we love each other very much were both old souls if you like, and we are intimate in other ways but i just cant get my head in a good place where i wont assume it will be very painful, my anxitey mostly comes from close friends who lost their virginity much younger who said i would find it very painful because i have a low pain thresh hold, which always annoyed me because eversince i have been terrified to try, i really want to be intimate in that way with my partner it is very frustrating, because they find it funny that i cant and dont realise how much thier words are responsible for my problem, plus i feel this tremendous guilt because i havent been able have sex yet even though my boyfriend has been so supportive and understanding but even i think two years is enough for both of us! so the added pressure on myself isnt helping to relax either im so worried that ill never be able to do it and he will eventually say he cant be in a relationship without sex no matter how much he loves me, which i couldnt blame him for at all. i feel like a freak i just want to relax enough that the special moment of it finally happening between us will outweigh the worrys of the possible pain and not knowing what to expect

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EmpowHER Guest

Hello ,

I am 25 and still virgin i waited such a long time to be sure about my partner and i guess my situation a little worse because i have a relationship since 2010 and he still waiting me :( i feel soo guilty and i feel like i am a horrible women ! I am extremely glad to have a boy like my partner no pressure at all ! He just supporting me but the thing is i cant get relax during sex and i cant move up to next step :(((((

December 20, 2014 - 4:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

thank you so much for your kind words and advice, i really just needed a positive outlook from someone about it and the fact that you say its not painful but just uncomfortable has really really put my mind at rest and given me a little courage! i am very lucky to have my boyfriend he has been so amazing, but sometimes you do need a womens perspective. I am so glad that i found this online community im quite shy about these things and i think so many women who dont have lots of females in the family or friends that would know what to say, could really use this site. i will of course stay in touch :) thank you again for taking the time to help me im so grateful

November 27, 2009 - 2:38am
HERWriter Guide

Dear Evie

Thanks for your question and welcome!

Firstly, it might be a good idea to rethink talking to your friends about this since they seem to be intent on telling you about all the bad stuff - much of it being entirely subjective! If they lost their virginity at very young ages, they may not have been emotionally or physically ready and no wonder they don't have good experiences to share with you! However, you can see that they are not really helping you so you may want to talk about this elsewhere (here, for instance!).

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy to not put pressure on you and you must be pretty special yourself for him to stay. But as you said, romantic relationships eventually turn physical and unless you both want to wait for marriage (which is a fine idea but it doesn't seem like that's a requirement for either of you which is equally fine).

Losing your virginity is not a painful thing and certainly not something you'd even need to connect to having a pain threshold! Sex is not painful (quite the opposite) but the first time can be slightly uncomfortable as well as exhilarating because when we do anything for the first time, our adrenalin is pumping and we get scared as well as excited.

Taking a weekend away is a good idea or have a date night doing something fun like going to a comedy club (laughter is a great aphrodisiac!) and don't pressure yourself. I know that's easy to say but don't have sex to "get it over with" and don't get drunk to get courage either. Sex is a very natural and healthy part of life but if you over-analyze it or listen to your friends regale their awful stories, it's little wonder you're not ready!

Using a lubricant is also a good idea (for physical comfort) and I'm sure you are kissing and "fooling around" already so don't be afraid to take the next step but make absolutely sure you use protection!

Since you are 21 now and in a relationship for two years, it's ok to take that next step but if you are not ready, then you're not ready. Who is to say what age is the right age? You may be missing out on some good times with your boyfriend but you are also free of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies so think of all the positives. Lots of people wait to lose their virginity - including the gorgeous Brooke Shields who waited till she was 24. It's fine to have sex, it's equally fine to wait. You're not a better person if you're having sex. I think holding out is pretty cool too and have a lot of respect for that.

Wait another few months if you need to. Your boyfriend isn't going to leave you in the next few weeks and when you are ready, it'll happen. Just take your time and use protection.

We can't give you step-by-step instructions, I'm afraid as that would not be right and everyone is different. What I can tell you is to be true to yourself and do it when the time is right for you, and you have the comfort and privacy that you need. So much better than doing it in the back of a car as a young teen before she's ready and waking up pregnant or with a worrisome itch, eh?

You sound like a wonderful, smart young woman. No wonder your boyfriend sticks by you! We wish you the best and remember that you love and trust your boyfriend and yourself. Stop listening to the horror stories and focus on you and your boyfriend. When you can do that, things will progress naturally, I promise.

Will you stay in touch with us?

November 26, 2009 - 11:48am
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