ask: How can I relieve depression from existential thoughts?

Make sure you continue to feed your passion and don't forget about exercise, which gives you your natural endorphins release.

They are essential to a healthy perspective.

My wife just said, "GO TO YOGA!"

Best of health to you.

-Todd

Rlyons, what a thoughtful, personal and honest post. I admire you for digging down inside yourself and sharing how you feel to such an intimate extent.

I think one thing that's key is to understand depression. Your therapist said that yes, intelligent people will occasionally become depressed by the thought of death, age and illness. Very true. And you are an artist -- as am I -- which means that you're even more creative and perhaps intuitive in your thinking than someone who's a little more left-brained. That's not always a good thing, is it?

I used to have a severe fear of flying. A book I was reading about a pilot who worked with such people said that he often found that those who feared flying were (a) intelligent people, many of whom understood how flight works, and (b) creative people, who can make exceptions to every rule. He said that a visual person almost "sees the movie" in their head -- in other words, turbulence begins, the person becomes scared, they see the plane go down in their minds, they think about their loved ones and how sad they will be, etc -- but we never run the correct movie afterward. Meaning, when the turbulence stops, the movie has to start over -- in other words, we must also run the movie that shows us how the flight is smooth again, the plane is working, we are safe, life is continuing as normal, we will land and go on about our lives after the flight. For some reason, we don't visualize that part of it.

Depression doesn't want you to run the positive movie. It has built-in nastiness that keeps you from feeling the following things: You might live on in your art, for generations and generations to come. You might find what you are seeking spiritually, just by trusting in life. You might have a wonderful, enjoyable relationship with your fiance whether or not you have children. You will be happy with children, you will be happy without children. (I wanted children, and we tried but weren't successful. We are happy without them, too, and we dote on our nieces, nephews and dogs as though we were crazy people.) You might live to be an active, smart, vibrant 97-year-old and then have a peaceful death at which point you look back and say, "That was good." Depression doesn't want you to see optimism and hope, even when it's appropriate. Depression is in the business of keeping you negative.

One reason you don't worry about such things when you are working on your art is that you've found the very primal feeling of flow. Your art runs through you, and then it is there, on the paper or canvas, evidence of something miraculous. You are the only one in the universe who can do your art. If you don't do it, it will never be done. And there is something magical and fulfilling about that. I imagine that when you are making art, you also forget what time it is, because hours have passed without you realizing it. That's something some people never experience. It's to be treasured. To put more meaning into your life, you must do this -- and other things that make you feel this way.

Religion may indeed be an escape for some, a haven for others. I might encourage you to read or download and listen to Eckhart Tolle's book, "A New World." He has studied many religions, but is far more based in the total consciousness of all of us who are alive at any one moment, and in the power of what you can think now, what you can do now, what you are resisting now, and how those things affect us. He deals with everything from happiness and sadness to life and death. But not in a religion-based way. There's more zen to it than anything else, which I found both calming and very intellectually challenging.

Take care, write back.

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The material will help you to explore
- how you create the thoughts that are occuring for you
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arbind.thakur@gmail.com

Take and give care,
..arbind

I have a good friend who works with avatars in his classroom (he is a college professor in education). I would love to hear more about how avatars can help individuals become healthier and/or help improve their health conditions. I believe it could work; I'll do some research on my own, too.

thanks!

Reading your share was as if I was reading my own life story. I have exactly the same attitude. No biological clock, the pointless feeling if I am not busy trying to accomplish something or conquer the world and the overwhelming feeling that time to whipping by and one day, I will be old and wish I hadn't worked myself to insanity.

I am a proclaimed work-a-holic. I work full time and also work several jobs from home that mainly use so much brain power that I am exhausted by the end of the day where I lay down my head and don't wake up until the next morning. Just to do the same thing the next day.

I complain about it but I always seem to do it. In my mind, I am supposed to do something that is legendary...I am not sure what that is but I have so much energy to make something good happen. For an example, I always wanted to help children get out of poverty as they got older because I worked so hard in my life to get out of it instead of giving into the reality that poverty was going to be my life. I tried so hard and at this time, I can say I own my own home, have a Master's Degree, currently attending school for taxes and have a wonderful dog. Yes, I agree with the dog love. There is nothing like it, unconditional. The only difference with me is that I do not have a boyfriend. I was married once but he was killed in Iraq.

When you spoke about religion, again, I agree. I completely respect people's choices to pray and rejoice in a higher power, but I do not. I have a hard time believing in things I do not see, touch, feel, etc. It is just my choice and my beliefs. I don't think that is a bad thing, just opinion. I was too interested in evolution to understand religion. Hope my parents were happy spending money on 9 years of Catholic school education.

I had the opportunity to talk to a Great Aunt of mine that has a Doctorates Degree, never had children, currently single and also wants a meaning in life. I never felt like I was happy with my accomplishments in life and talked to her about her life. She actually had a college building named after her for her accomplishments in education before she retired and she also was not fulfilled. I think that is legendary to have a monument named after you and still, not happy.

I suffer everyday with this and don't have an answer but can definitely relate. There are two things that really make me happy everyday when I wake up. One thing is that I continue with my education because otherwise, I feel like I am getting dumber by the minute. Second, I exercise. As Todd said earlier, try Yoga. Since there is no greater power that we believe in, believing in yourself is a great tool. I find that Yoga is very relaxing for the mind and body. It is amazing how aware of yourself you can be. Try it and let me know.

I would love to hear from you again and share ideas. Let me know what you have tried.

What a great post, thanks for sharing.

I have so many thoughts after reading your personal story, so forgive me if I ramble!

I was also in a bit of depression, off and on, and went to several therapists. Part of my sadness was relocating to a town where I had no friends (except a boyfriend, now husband) and no family. I tried and tried to be happy, because on paper, I had "everything I had ever wanted" and worked for. I read books on "how to be happy", wrote journals regarding my good days and bad days. Oprah suggested writing three things that you are grateful for every day. When I would go on vacation, I would reflect on what made me happy and write it down, so I wouldn't forget when I got back into my real life. (Hindsight: this was silly, because if something made me happy, I wouldn't forget!) Anyways, nothing really worked. I had good days, bad days, but seemed to be on a roller coaster.

I am not a religious person, either, more intellectually curious about religion (I have attended a Unitarian Universalist "church", which I loved, because they spoke about the BIG picture ideals that every religion has: love, hope, community, etc.). This helped me think of things other than myself. Volunteering also helps get out of your funk and help those less fortunate than you. I had a tough time being down-in-the-dumps with my own life when I was volunteering for a battered women's shelter, because some of these women had literally been living in hell and fear. There are more low-key places to volunteer, too, that can help lift your spirits.

A book that a therapist recommended also helped: Taming the Gremlin. It is almost like a children's book with little text and many pictures, but it takes the blame of depression off of you, and puts it onto a gremlin. Like diane said, the depression (or Gremlin) doesn't want you to think positively.

What has helped me get over my depression is both big and small. I moved back near family. I quit my job that was not a good fit for me, but I didn't realize it at the time. I stopped bickering with my husband. I joined some female "special interest" groups and feel like I have more friends than at any other time in my life (it's taken nine months to feel like these acquaintances are friends).

Do you know what makes you happy? Do you have a good social support network of friends? (Friends are difficult to come by as adults!). Do you feel valued and understood by your fiance? It's OK to say "no" to any of these; because they can be improved without drastic measures! For me, just being "real" with myself has made all the difference. I was finally honest with saying some things in my life were not right, and I needed to change them. Like you said, life is short...and we have the power to make things better!

In the end, I realize I was TRYING to be happy, now I AM happy. If you are not happy right now, just acknowledge it, because it really is OK: you can change things, talk to people, make friends, change careers, try yoga or meditating...you can be happy. (oh--it's not a bad thing to be sad, either. Life's regular "down" moments make for better "up" moments).

Have you been diagnosed with depression from your therapist? Have you tried any medication?

Last thought: I have a two-year old son. I was like you, and did not have a biological clock ticking (I am 33), but I did want children in my life in the future. I just decided that it was "now or never" since I didn't have that "baby urge". Our son has changed our life in every way, and it has all been for the better. I do feel like I have a bigger purpose in life now, but I also feel like I have my own purpose in life, aside from my son. I love being a mom, but also love being independent and a person I would want to "hang out" with!

Best wishes!

You sound like me, a recent note to my therapist-

The underlying mood and energy are better.
Now what I am struggling with are the thoughts. I think I should have some dreams or goals that I feel passionate about,
but anything I think of seems meaningless and pointless. Life is kind of like a loveless marriage.
My son was listening to a speech about people dying all over the world. I said well 100% of people die.
The problem isn't that they die, it's why they die. He told me the day before that he thought that if no one was afraid
to die the world would be a better place, somehow he thought being afraid to die was weakening people.
I think myself that living frozen like I am is worse from an individual perspective. In the medium picture, it is not better.
While people feel death is the worst thing that can happen, suicide is one of the most abusive thing you can do to people
around you. In the big picture whatever happens that people have to live through, is nothing,
especially once mankind is extinct and can't think about it any more. So really it doesn't make sense that we waste
our time thinking, doing, living, loving, breathing, they are nothing more than the pretty dramas of poets.
I look at people right now, and I don't feel a part of any of it. I feel like a fly on the wall.

Why should I care to exist, invest my passions into something that neither I nor the universe will recall?
This is anger that I feel, and I know that the only one that is affected by it is me. Still, you can't live in the moment.
The moment is always past or future. There is no now, you can't measure "now." It is a point on a line with no room for a
whole human being. There is no time in the moment to even feel it, let alone to think about and value it.
I feel intangible, invisible. But I feel something else that if I try to hold anything in my hands it turns to ash.
I have no faith, no hope, in fact to try to feel there is some positive outcome to living seems like I'm trying to
make up a pretty story so I can go numb, instead of feeling this raw meaninglessness. Yet, I want to feel it until it
is done. I want to see what happens if you shake your fist at it forever. I don't want to give in to it, and believe or invent
stories; over time believe the stories, and preach the stories, love and hate for the stories I tell, or the voices of mankind tell.

Still there is something I get out of my resistance to accepting that stories are all we know how to do, and tell them as
long as I breath. Whatever it is that I get from it feels disturbed, unsettled, but it feels like I am saying "That all I know,
is nothing, but at least it seems more true than stories." Yet it is really another story, in which I am a prisoner of ignorance,
circling the great abyss. I see in my minds eye, a dragon snapping and roaring circling the pit trying to snatch me and drag me down.
I stand here thinking, didn't I already take this leap? how is it that I am still here, my feet grown into the earth hanging half-way between
fantasy and chaos? I thought I had already fallen, but here I stand clinging to the world. Why can't I let go and just fall?