How can I save my marriage or is it too late?

Thanks for the recommendation. It looks good. I will have to try and check that out at the bookstore. He is not one for reading on stuff like this. Probably part of the problems all these years. He thinks he has all the answers. You see how well that has worked. He asked me what I wanted yesterday from him. I told him that I wanted us to continue counseling together and separate and to learn to see the people we are today no the people we were so that from there we can decide whether we wanted to move forward together or separate. Then I asked him what he wanted from me and he said I told you. I just want peace and want out. So I said basically you want me to let you go. He said yes. I told him that I couldn't and it wasn't that east and that I wouldn't give up without a fight. He just said okay.

I don't know what to take from that. I want so badly for him to be happy again. And for us to be happy together as a family. My oldest son asked me for another brother last night. And I just looked at his innocent little face and tried not to cry. What could I say. Daddy doesn't love me so I can't give you another brother. I am trying to hold it together, to not be sad. But it is so hard. It is so painful to look at him everyday and know that in his mind I am not his wife anymore. He washed my car last night and I cooked him something to eat. We sat and watched a show together and talked and laughed and then went upstairs to separate rooms and said good night like friends. It hurt me so bad. I wanted him to come back to our room. I wanted him to hold me and be with me and I just don't know if that will ever happen again.

You hit the nail on the head. I keep telling him that he basically made me be this person because he didn't want to grow up and now I am being punished for it.

Counseling went well. She said that she feels like as long as he is in the house there is hope. And for me to continue to try and work on my issues and maybe he will see that it is not as bad as he thinks it is. She has one more appointment with her and she is going to try and get him to come again. I really think that is would continue to go that he would make some progress. He is so no interested in the 3 day seminar so I am not even going to push that issue. He told me today that he doens't blame me for everything but that my attitude over the years and the way he feels he knows that this is something that he needs to try and do. I returned with so you think that getting rid of me is the magic trick to your happiness. He said he didn't know but that he new I played a big part in it. So who knows.........

Personally, I know that is not going to fix anything.

Alone2010,

I'm very impressed at your insight into the things he says, and that some of them are true. It is true that there are two sides to every story, and it's important to try to see both of them, even when we are in turmoil.

It sounds to me -- a little bit at least -- that you feel you've had to be the only real grownup in the house. That in essence you have three kids -- your two boys and your husband -- who you have to supervise and take care of. If so, that's an incredible stress. It does zap some of the free spirit out of us when that happens.

The one who feels like they are being the adult is put in the position of always saying no. And the one who feels like they are put in the position of being the child feels over-controlled.

In reality, what you want is two grownups sharing both the free spirit and the responsibilities. It doesn't sound like you have that. Could the 3-day workshop help? It might, primarily because (a) you'd be away from the kids and have all the time to just focus on the two of you, and (b) it's led by someone who would not be seen as "ganging up" on one or the other partner, and (c) it could be seen as a fresh start. But if your husband has a hard time believing in therapy, I'm not sure he'll think that a 3-day workshop is a good idea.

I hope that your counseling appointment today is fruitful and that your husband continues to go. Keep up the good work, Alone. I know it's not easy.

He just wants me to be less controlling mostly. He says that I have controlled every aspect of his life. That he is not allowed to spend money without my permission but I can do whatever I want. Which I hate to admit has been true. I never realized it and then one day a few months ago I realized that I had never had to account for my spending but I always made him account for every dollar. So inthat regard he is right. He has also commented that he doesn't think I will change in terms of bringing the past up and all that. I told him that I don't know if I can change that is why I am going to counseling. But only time will be able totell that. I said that he would have to show me that he could change and then maybe that would encourage me to change. He has also told me that I am a dream crusher that I don't know how to dream and have fun anymore. That everything is about reality and so serious. That even though he says he wants to buy a new car he knows we can't afford it but instead of me saying oh really what kind would you want my immediate response is you know we can't afford that. So I do see where I have let go of some that that free spririt that I used to have. But I think that is just because over the years I just felt like sometimes he was always living in a dream and not dealing with reality. And now more than ever I think that is true becuase I think reality is what he having such a hard time dealing with.

I have a counseling appt Monday so I am hoping she can give me some insight since she met with him. There is a workshop that I really want to try and get him to go to with me in Nashville, it is 3 days and very intense from what I hear. I don't think he will go but I want to try and keep the peace and then ask him. Maybe it will be an eye opener for me or him.

(Note: Website link removed by EmpowHER moderator)

Alone,

I want to applaud you for taking the high road here. Even when you would love to "ruin his life and this girl's life," you are seeing the big picture, thinking of your children and remembering him as he used to be. That's impressive.

Of course you are scared of life without him. We are all scared of that. But you know how I know you can handle it if you have to? Because you're a mom. And you're the kind of mom that puts your boys first, and makes decisions with their best interests in mind. You will surely have financial things to work out, but it's a task you don't have to do alone. Your days may actually be more peaceful, because you wouldn't be living anymore with someone who ignores you, deceives you and then fights with you about it.

I love that you remember and honor the good soul inside your husband. I hope that those values are still there, inside somewhere, and that he can reconnect. But sometimes people can't. His counseling will only work if he gives it a chance, like you say. And it doesn't surprise me that he's already trying to blame its failure on you.

How does he want YOU to change? You mentioned that in your first paragraph, and I'm interested.

Take care, Alone. And realize that sometimes, the best thing for the children is two peaceful homes instead of one that is always in chaos.

I totally hear everything you are saying. And I keep thinking the same thing. We keep having discussions about child support and splitting things up instead of how can we make this better. We had a huge fight today. He basically said that the counselor has not really said anything to him that has made him want to think about the decision he is making and that he just really doesn't think that we have any chance. He says that I am never going to change and that he just doesn't see anything left.

I told him that he has not even givin any of this a chance. That he couldn't expect a miracle in 2 sessions. That it was going to take time to see if either one of us really wanted to make this work. He knows now that he is battling a lot of stuff within himself. I asked him to at least give it some time for him to work through some of that stuff to just see if maybe once he could learn to love himself again if maybe he would be able to see that there is still maybe something there for me.

I don't think he is really open to the idea that there is anything to fix. I asked him to give it a few months before we file and start the process so that maybe he could have time with the counselor and I could too. Because honestly right now all I want to do is ruin his life and this girls life. But I know that is not what is best for my boys. And I just really feel like if I start this process right now it will become a way for me to seek revenge and I won't be thinking straight.

So maybe just maybe waiting a few months will help me heal a little or maybe in a few months he will see things differently or maybe I will too. I just don't know. I am so confused, lost, alone, and scared. I have been with this man since I was 16. The thought of facing my life without him is the scariest thing to me right now.

He hasn't always been this person. He was a caring, loving, nurturing husband. Always there for me. He was my rock and my best friend. Maybe that is what I am holding on to, the memory of how it was and the dream that it could be that way again. I don't know. I love him, I really do. I don't think he is a monster or a horrible person. I think he has made bad decisions and I think that he has hurt a lot of people. But as sad as it sounds, I think he is battling so many demons in his head and depression that it was not the same person when these decisions were being made. The word demons is what he keeps using with me. He keeps telling me that he is battling his own demons.

I know that no one can tell me what to do here and that I have to make a decision. I just wish that someone would just do it for me. I just wish that I was strong enough to do this and to know what is right for me. For 16 years all I have known is that he was right for me and that our lives were right together and now that has all changed. It was like it never happened.

Alone2010,

So glad you wrote back. Please don't "kick yourself for not listening and forcing the counseling issue a year ago before this got so bad." When a person wants to get away with something behind another person's back, they will find a way. It is bad judgment and misbehavior on your husband's part that got him where he is today, not the fact that you didn't see something sooner or push for counseling sooner.

Alone, if I can say so, this doesn't sound like a person who wants this marriage to work. All this talk of custody and what a document might say or how things would all come out is not the kind of talk a couple has when they are trying to mend things. You feel vulnerable and at risk, which is why you are determined to not cave. He probably feels some combination of anger, guilt and perhaps confusion, plus worry over the future. With all that swirling around, thoughts about mortgages and child support make divorce seem more of a certainty.

I think it is still a good sign that he is going back to counseling by himself tomorrow. And it's definitely good that you have a counselor to help you get through this tough decision-making period.

You are doing the best you can do, day by day. That is all you can do. You are taking care of your boys, you are looking out for yourself and you are giving him a chance to actually figure out which direction he wants to take. All of that is good. Give yourself a time line. Tell yourself that you want to feel that things are moving in one direction or the other by a certain time, and write down the things you need to see by that time in order to figure out what YOU want to do with YOUR life. Because regardless of what he decides, this may just not be right for you -- or your boys -- anymore.

Take care, and keep hanging in there. Day by day is all we can do.

Thank you so much for your replies. It has been nice to have these to help keep me strong. Honestly, I really don't know if he has or not. To me I don't see how he hasn't given that this has gone on so long. But he keeps commenting that he can't get an erection anyway so how could he cheat. The last 2 times we were intimate it did not go well he could not keep an erection. He kept saying he just wasn't into it. I am wondering now was it that he wasn't into "it" or wasn't into me or was he feeling guilty because maybe he has done something and knew he couldn't be with me again. I really don't know and I will never know unless he tells me. That is something I will have to deal with. He is scheduled to go alone tomorrow morning again. So we will see what happens then. He wasn't happy with her approach the first time so I called the office and mentioned that and asked if she would try something different to maybe not turn him off and maybe get him to actually listen. I am kicking myself now for not listening, I mean really listening and forcing the counseling issue a year ago before this got so bad. My dad is actually a PI and is trying to find out information for me on the secret phone so I know who's name its in. I called it today from a private number to see if he would answer as he told me that he just put it away and it went straight to VM so it must be turned off somewhere. But the voice on it was another woman with a different name it sounded like someone that he works with an older woman. Lord knows who it is or what else I don't know. I have been reading alot about how much I really need to know and what benefit that is going to be for me and all that and I guess I just need to stop for now until we decide which path we are going to take. He is talking now about wanting joint physical custody if we split and I am wondering if that has anything to do with the amount of child support he is worried about paying or what. I know he wants to be with them but he keeps making sure to say how he wants it to say this and not that. I told him that if we can't come to an agreement then this becomes a fault divorce and I would subpeona text messages, GPS records, phone records, email correspondance, and the other women and then all this mess is going to come out. And given the fact that the main woman involved works with him and is very concerned about losing her job and such I am guessing he doesn't really want this to happen. I don't know if I do just because I am worried about what I might find out but then again maybe that will help me get over things faster too if we do split. But I am definitely not going to get screwed in this. Right now I am just being nice. I am not going to fight anymore in front of my kids. I have done enough damage to them in the last year with that and it has to stop. So I try to be positive when i get home from work and not cry and be angry. I save that for the drive in and back home and sometimes the privacy of my office. I talk to him like things are normal and I guess in some ways the way he has been leading me on I am not leading him on. Trying to make him think this is all going to be all nicey nicey for everyone and he will get what he wants. Not really the case though. I am not going to cave. I refuse to cave. Even if we work things out. I am not going to cave. I know I did things wrong and I need to change. But he has alot of work to do as well.

Well he felt ambushed at counseling. But she assured him that it was not about that. And I told him that wasn't what it was about either. That obviously we can't commuicate and I can't understand what has happened in our marriage to cause this so maybe she could help me understand it and process it better. He is a great father to our kids and up until the last 2 years with all this drama he has been a great husband and friend. I am by no means making excuses for him or sharing the blame for his inappropriate behavior but I do feel like the behavior was a result of the breakdown of our marriage. Again, not that, that gave him the right to do what he did by any means. If he was able to be the person of integrity that he was in the past, yes, I think I could trust him again. Reality is starting to set in that I will have to make a decision at some point. Bottom line is that if he feels like he needs to remain friends with these women for whatever reason then there is no other option but divorce. If he can cut all ties and stop lying and being secretive and all that mess then I think we might have a chance. The choice he will have to make is what is more important to him. His marriage and family or these relationships. Only he can make that decision. And who knows truthfully, through counseling I may realize that I don't want to work on this anymore. Who knows. I contacted an attorney to find out my options and just a little information. He also said he wants me to keep our house if we split. I don't know if I can afford to or not. But I contacted our mortgage company to to find out my options for getting him off the mortgage as well. So as much as I hate thinking about it, I am trying to look out for myself in the event that this blows up AGAIN.