ask: How to confront an Asperger Husband on his infidelity?

Hi,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am uncertain of the relevancy with your husband's condition or age, as ANY person who does not respond to a concern, and ANY person who "shuts themselves out" of a relationship is not something you can change, and is an effort on their part to retain control.

You said he did not admit to the affair, and you found out about this after a year. I am not sure if he is actively denying the affair, and if you have solid "proof" the affair did happen, you two are still at square one...you can not even begin the healing/saving process until you two can discuss this like adults. If he is choosing not to even accept responsibility, there is nothing to talk about until he does.

What you CAN do is seek counseling, either individually or (hopefully) as a couple. Your husband has to choose better behaviors that can improve or save the marriage (communication, responsibility), and he can start by agreeing to counseling.

Please let us know how you are doing!

one of my a/s husbands obcessions is women[confirmed by psychologist]we have been married 45 yrs.although he appears to be very shy,he is not with women.
he told me i was imagining it for years,it took all my confidence and i ended up with a breakdown.however after councilling my self esteem grew/my husband got diagnosed officially.then we went to relate,a charity that offers councilling to couples where one has a/s.so then my husband could not deny it any more.so now when it starts,all ways with neighbor or woman at church,even my daughters friends.so before he becomes too obcessed i nip it in the bud.i always know cos he talks about these women or girls.[to me]he will openly flirt and be innapropriate and we have lost good friends cos of this.as you said he has never discussed.
so now i am confident i first of all say AS YOU SEEM TO REALY LIKE TAT PERSON,EITHER YOU STOP THIS BAD BEHAVIOUR NOW or LEAVE THIS MARRIAGE AND THIS HOUSE.he usualy saysO I WOULD NOT LIVE WITH HER,SHE WOULD NOT LOOK AFTER ME,i then take the person to one side and inform them about his a/s.one woman said WELL IF YOU SHOWED HIM MORE LOVE,HE WOULD NOT LOOK ELSEWHERE/.i politely told her i had shown him love and affection for 40 yrs,its him who can flirt but not love.he did tell me that as long as he is not intimate then he is not unfaithfull.so yes he can still flirt for england,he still loves chatting to women,but it stops there.he is now terrified of losing his family.so you are not alone

Thank you Alison and Jean. I am terribly confused myself.
I have been married for 11years/ My husband is 45years old and I am 49 years old. Last Monday, his girlfriend called me to inform that their affair is over and my AS husband has told her he is choosing to stay with the family. Whereas I am holding the fort at home and looking after my 9 year old son (who has inherit his AS). I have my sets of worries and fears. Will he start with another woman and uses me as his shelter again. He has used up all my savings. I supported him in business that failed. Now he is jobless and I am feeding him and his expenses. In my country, we do not have social support.
For the sake of my son, I choose to remain patience but I would like to know how to remain sane and to improve this marriage.

thats so sad to hear.yes i think a/s people have the ability to see the other woman as completely seperate/its as if we are their mum.but i do not think i could forgive if mine had had a proper affair.are you sure it was physical.the a/s people in our family are sexualy repressed/they will go far but not that far.i am lucky my family are all workaholics,so dont have time to run up debts.
do you know why he is not working?is he suffering a breakdown?
what ever happens you two need councilling so urgently.
do you have someone to talk to,would your husband resent this.
please look after you and your boy.
i feel its best to make clear that you weill never tolerate again,but once you have said that you must be prepared to follow through/.please please look after yourself.

i also chose to stay.my husband always controled money.,so i have no savings.he has made it clear he will never leave our home.so i would have to go???then would take 3 yrs of seperation before property can be sold.where would i go.refuge????no i am 63 yrs old.my grown kids a/s is worse than my husbands.
so decided to stay,got a/s couple councilling,took controle of my life.had C,B,T THERAPY.
we do share our faith and have a lot of common interests,but its so hard,he says he loves me????i love him,so we stayed in our very odd marriage,but do not think i could start a new life now.i work with autistic adults this gives me some insight and more skills to cope..luckily hubby is hypo active[68]still works 50 hrs a week.so can do my own thing.we get on fine till i want to talk.he missunderstands every thing i say????but funnily enough never gets in arguements at work.and at the end of the day,the grass is not always greener????

Anon--I'm sorry you're having to face this situation. I do agree with Alison, though. Let's suppose that A/S could have something to do with the cheating... It still doesn't mean YOU should have to accept it.

A/S or no A/S, cheating is cheating and it hurts just the same.

yes i agree,so painfull.my husband is obsessed with women,has flirted with young attractive women all ou life,usualy in front of me.when i was young and insecure[and still loved him]it killed me.i thought if i became perfect wife///he would love me back.of course
had no diagnosis then]he always said i imagined it,well 45 yrs later ,one breakdown later.one diagnosis later,now know he would never have physical affair,its just flirting.he has even told me non of these women who chase him?????would put up with his ways like i do.i do love him,but fell out of love yrs ago.he killed that.but still love him

My husband has recently received a dx of Aspergers, we have been best friends and in and out of relationships with each other for 10 years and got married just over a year ago. We separated after 5 months (making it permanent at 7 months), me with an anxiety disorder that developed after 3 months of marriage to him. His AS obession is also other women (one in particular, who was the 'best man' at our wedding, and women in general), I thought that this would stop after our marriage but it didn't. He has done lots of secular and church 'personal development' and relationship courses (this is his 'special interest') and uses this vast 'knowledge' (that he is neurologically unable to apply in his own life) to engage single women in conversations about their personal emotional problems and then 'advises' them, giving him a lot of personal gratification. The more attractive and slim the woman is the more effort he invests in gaining her inappropriate disclosure in order to 'instruct' her about how she should be treated and boost her self esteem. His response to my requests to stop this behaviour is the usual Asperger 'shut down' response that you have mentioned. Like most spouses of AS husbands, I found it hard to leave as I grew to love him as a gentle, kind man who showered me with attention, then changed almost overnight into a controlling, emotionally detached and sometimes psychologically abusive person (abuse that he could always 'logically' justify), and I hoped and tried to do everything 'right' to get back to the almost addictively nice person I had first experienced him as. Unfortunately, these intense episodes of 'nice' during the pursuit phases of our relationships (and engagement) were nothing but a very convincing performance that he could turn on and off at will (but cost him a huge amount of effort to sustain) and only lasted up until we had consolidated a relationship (the last time, getting married) and he no longer needed to keep up the pretense and became emotionally detached again, which resulted in escalating emotional distress for me as his uncontrolled social/emotional and communication deficits (that he was unable to accept and blamed me for) robbed our relationship attempts and later marriage, of trust and intimacy.
May I suggest that you find a counsellor or psychologist who specialises in adult aspergers and understands it from both the AS person and the spouse's perspective, this is extremely important, and discuss your situation with them. I can't tell you how important this is to do the research to find the right help, as only a person who who specialises professionally in it can understand and explain your husband's AS behaviours (in light of the deficits that cause them) and your responses (which are normal for non-AS women in AS relationships) and help you respond in a way that will help rebuild your self esteem, conserve your emotional and mental health and help decrease conflict (for you both) whilst you work toward a longer term solution. Best wishes.