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How do I conquer the anxiety that is hindering my sex life with my husband?

By July 10, 2009 - 7:28am
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I don't really know if anyone can relate to this, but I am going to give it a go.
A while ago, my husband and I were having vaginal sex, and in the throes of it, he accidentally thrust very strongly into my behind. I was not warmed up back there, and I was dry, so the pain was EXCRUCIATING. I bled for two days. Ever since then, I am terrified of it happening again, to the point that I panic during sex and we have to stop. This experience has completely destroyed my enjoyment of sex and has pretty much put our sex life on hold.

I have been trying to find a product or a way to block off that area comfortably during sex, so that I can relax again and be sure that even if he misses again, he wont be able to penetrate. I haven't found anything helpful yet. I really have no idea what to do.
This had happened in the past a couple of times, but both times were when we were doing it in different positions that we have since avoided or done very rarely and carefully. But, this last time hurt the most, and it happened in a missionary position, which made me feel like nothing was safe.
I can only enjoy being on top now, since I am the one in control, but my husband can't come unless he is the one on top, so he is not satisfied, either.
I would really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you for your comment, Anonymous. Anal sex can certainly be uncomfortable if your not prepared. There are also certainly times when “things happen” in the heat of the moment. I am wondering if the original commenter of this post has learned how to deal with her anxiety. If you are still around, could you kindly comment?


February 5, 2011 - 9:57am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi. My husband has accidentally done this before too. It has happened a couple times and the pain is so bad I fell like crying. This past time hurt so much worse than before. The problem wad speed and the amount of lube. I know it was an accident because my husband would never purposely harm me or inflict pain on purpose. We just need to be more conscious that these accidents can and do happen. As far as being afraid to be intimate with my spouse isn't a problem we will be more cautious and I suggest taking it slow. If you need extra lube try to use little as possible but still comfortable. My spouse and I usually do like so... he pleases me first and then we take care of him but get in positions I'm comfortable with but still being ones he likes. I have learned being intimate also includes free communication on both sides.

February 4, 2011 - 9:40pm
EmpowHER Guest

This may be out of the question, but yes, there are plugs out there. I've never used such a device, but I know they are available (try amazon.com, search for butt plug) You could "warm yourself up" insert the plug and then not have to be worried about a suprise intruder. I don't think this would be a great long term solution, but it might help you get back in the saddle.

July 31, 2009 - 12:31pm

Thanks for your advice. To answer your question, he likes me on top for awhile, but he can't climax in that position, so we have to change it up eventually. We did have anal sex a few times at the beginning of out marriage, with my consent, but after awhile, I said I would only be willing to do it on special occasions, because it hurt too much, even when I was warmed up and lubricated. I didn't enjoy it at all.
I really don't think, knowing this, my husband would purposely try to sneak it in, knowing how much it hurt me. I do think he probably gets too caught up in his own pleasure and just isn't paying attention. I have talked to him about this, and he has tried to be more careful and attentive as of late, but my anxiety just won't let up. I suppose it will just take time.

July 12, 2009 - 9:08am
HERWriter Guide

Hi Michelle

Thank you for your question!

Without trying to be too blunt, are you saying you accidentally had anal sex? Without preparation, "accidentally thrust very strongly into [your] behind" would indeed be dreadfully painful. I'm not surprised you bled for two days, he could actually do some damage with those actions.

I can see how this happens but the fact that it has happened several times before leads me to ask you a few questions. I'm not trying to be too interfering but
-Are you sure all these are really 'accidents'? Do you think that he may want anal sex with you and is too embarrassed to bring it up? And this is his way of seeing if you'd be ok with it? The reason I ask is that it wouldn't be the first time I have heard women with your story come to find that this is the case. Anal sex is still pretty taboo for many people. Many couples don't even discuss it.

- There may be products out there that could "block off" that area, as you say, but I'm unfamiliar with them. Perhaps another reader can help?

- Your husband is going to have to be a little bit more careful around you, regarding this. I can understand how passion can take us away a little bit but since this has happened a few times now, he needs to slow down a little bit and pay more attention. I felt pain just reading your story! I don't blame you for being ill at ease now. You need to feel relaxed and safe during sex, not just turned on.
-Most men love a "woman on top". For one reason, they get to relax a little (lazy boys!) and for another, they get to see their woman totally naked. I'm wondering why this is not so appealing to him?

This will take a little time to get over and that's ok. Something can painful can certainly put the kibosh on one's lovelife. But you will have to get back on the horse again, so to speak. Start off slowly and tell him to take it easy and focus a little more. Little by little you'll both get back into the swing of things.

Is your husband open to this and open to trying to enjoy you on top, once in a while?

July 10, 2009 - 12:56pm
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