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how do i get my sex drive back?

By July 1, 2009 - 2:13am
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i have a 17 month old little girl and since having her i have no sex drive. my boyfriend thinks that i dont find him attractive any more because i wont have sex but i do i love him and scared of losin him. i'll do anythin to get my sex drive back can any1 help me please !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thanks so much for your question. And welcome to EmpowHer. I'm glad you found us!

My heart goes out to you. Of COURSE you have no sex drive, you have a 17-month-old toddler runnning around that you are taking care of 24/7!

Yours is a very common problem, and I want both you and your boyfriend to know that. After we have a baby, it IS hard to get our libido back. It's also hard to think of ourselves as anything more than a diaper-milk-toys-baths-errands-naps-food-diapers again kind of person. If we work outside the home and the baby's in day care, we add guilt to the equation. And either way, whether we are a stay-at-home mom or a working-outside-the-home mom, we are trying to do it all -- take care of the baby, take care of our relationship, make meals, keep the home nice. We often don't have the level of help we would like from our partners, in either case. And we don't often take time to care for ourselves.

And I'm betting you're just plain tired. Am I right?

Do you get any help with your daughter or with the household chores, errands, etc, from your boyfriend? Do you feel that he makes an effort to support you in all those small ways like helping with laundry or bringing home dinner when you've had a rough day? Is this a factor at all?

Can you see yourself as a lover again, and not just a mom? Is that transition hard for you?

Does your daughter have her own bedroom, or is she in the bedroom with the two of you?

All those things can make it really hard to transition back and forth between woman-friend-lover-mom. And often, we carry extra weight after we have a baby, and maybe we don't have the time to get ourselves all fixed up every day. All these things affect our self-esteem and our self-image.

Your boyfriend needs to understand that this is perfectly normal, and that your sex drive will come back. And that it doesn't have anything to do with him. Men and women are different in their sex drives. His hormones are exactly as they were before. Yours changed when you got pregnant and had a baby. I understand that he's taking this personally, but he shouldn't. It's not about him.

Here's a good article on low libido/sex drive in women:


And here's a page from the Mayo Clinic on things you can do to increase your sex drive:


Do these help? One of the most important things in being able to give more to others is to take care of yourself. One of my favorite sayings is something I heard Dr. Phil say once: "The best way to take care of your children is to take care of their mother." Meaning, you need to come first once in a while, because everyone benefits. You're happier and healthier, which means you have more to give everyone.

Wishing you well. Please come back and let us know how it's going.

July 3, 2009 - 8:34am
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