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How do I reconnect with him? I need more intimacy!

By September 10, 2009 - 6:20pm
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I am getting depressed by the lack of sex and intimacy in my relationship. My boyfriend is the sweetest man, and we love each other. But this issue is putting a gap between us...

If it were up to me, I'd be having sex many times a week, at the least once a week. Now we're going on soon 3 weeks of no sex. As for affection and attention from him, I hardly get one-on-one time with my boyfriend.

He comes home after work, tired and stressed and wants an escape. He turns to his gadgets and doodads, and hardly even looks at me the whole evening.

Moving in with him has been a let down in this regard. We used to be very open about sex, we were planning to have lots of fun adventurous sex when we live together and whatever. But there has been almost none of that.

I knew he'd have work stress, but I thought I'd be able to help him de-stress by spending time with him just doing fun stuff in the evenings. But it just seems like time spent with me means MORE stress to him, like another chore, another obligation. So usually he just uses the computer instead of doing anything with me.

It's making me feel useless. Like it wouldn't make a difference if I wasn't here, other than that he'd have to take care of the home himself..

My situation has many things working against me, too. We've only lived together for a few months. I moved from another city and I don't have work or friends here in my new town. My boyfriend has a new job that is quite stressful. He has kids (who visit on the weekends), which is proving to be a lot for me to adjust to, as well.

I feel neglected, but my needs for intimacy, (and all other expectations (of his kids and his work)) are causing him stress. So neither of us are happy!

What do I do to make things better?

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Emotica

Thanks for your question and welcome!

The best thing you can do is gently tell your boyfriend that you want to talk with him. Go somewhere for coffee or for dinner, where there are no distractions like computers (ask him not to bring his cell phone) and talk it out.

What kind of job does he have that's causing him such stress? In this economy, it's not realistic to suggest he look for another area of work but there may be ways to destress from him job when he comes home - namely going for a long walk with you (and no iPods - this is a great chance to talk and communicate!) rather than just jumping on the computer.

Having his children on weekends will not (and should not) change either. This is important for him and his kids - every child needs a strong relationship with their dad so make sure they have that time together with few distractions.

If you are new in town and have no friends or family to spend time with, it's now time for you to start creating your own circle of friends. Join a book club (most libraries and book store chains (like Barnes & Noble or Borders) have them. Check out their websites for the locations and times near you. Or you could take a dance class, join a gym or a girls night out club. Try www.meetup.com for all the groups near you. It's a great resource for people who are new in town. You can't sit around waiting for things to change - change them yourself. Find hobbies, interests and friends of your own or you'll be completely dependent on your boyfriend for happiness and comfort and that's not a good place to be in.

Your situation is a bit of a perfect storm. Your boyfriend has children, work stress, is not sexually interested and you are new in town with no friends or family to turn to. Not a good situation to be in.

Tell your boyfriend how you feel (in that place with no distractions) - I'm sure he can afford you one evening together. Don't be confrontational or defensive but he should be able to see where you are coming from - especially if you moved to a new town to be with him. It's going to take the two of you to fix what's wrong. You have the motivation - find out if he does too.

If he is not agreeable to change, then the next step is yours.

I wish you the very best - it's a rough situation to be in. Will you keep us updated?

September 12, 2009 - 5:16am
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