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How Do You Overcome the Mistrust?

By July 12, 2015 - 11:08am
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I have been with the same man for about 2 years. At the time we met (at work), he had a girlfriend. After several months, they broke up and he asked me out. I said yes and the relationship progressed quickly with him moving in with me since his lease was up before mine. I had not been to his house until the time he got ready to move in with me. Soon the company had an opening for him a couple of hours west of us (this was in February of last year). The lease on the house would be up in March and he thought it would be a good idea to move because it was half-way between our current location and his sons. Therefore he would be closer to them and it would make the trip to pick them up every other weekend easier. And even though I would be leaving my family, I thought it would be okay. We talked about it and since the company didn't have an opening for me, I decided to stay behind until the lease was up and until I found another job. He had never been married, but said he would marry me before we moved since he wanted us to be a "family".

The proposal and wedding never happened before we moved for several reasons, one excuse after another. During the month that I was waiting for the lease to expire and a job; he stayed at a hotel the company put him up in. I would see him on the weekends, him visiting me only occasionally...me making the trip more often. There were many times he was unavailable to text or talk, but I figured he was busy. Eventually, we did find a house and signed the lease together.

Anyway, one day I was going to surprise him at work. I had a particularly bad morning at work, and wanted to catch him during his lunch hour to complain. I had sent him a text asking him how lunch was (I usually prepared him lunch every day). He responded that it was good. I didn't tell him I was coming because I wanted to show up with ice cream. I got to his job and his car was there but he wasn't. Knocking on the door, I received no response...which was a bit surprising since his lunch break was close to being over. Soon the nurse he worked with drove up. I waited for her to get out, but she didn't and about the time I started to walk to her car to ask if she knew where he was....he got out of the vehicle.

I was shocked and hurt. When questioned he gave me some excuse or another and I couldn't understand why he would act like he had been there eating the lunch I sent him when in reality he was with her. There was a lot of questions after that, none of which were really answered. And I do not think it was as innocent as he pretended it was. Especially since he had been going to work early and getting home late. So, I decided to contact his ex and see what really happened to them.

The short version was that they had met at work while he was with the children's mother. He had asked her to go to the town he and I had actually met in so that he could take the job and get the experience he had there. He had told her that after getting the experience that he would ask for a transfer and they would relocate to the current town we live in, be married, and "be a family". When I confronted him about it he told me that none of it was true. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt even though my gut was screaming to run.

Eventually the nurse he had been working with quit. Since that time, he had to change jobs since the company was making changes.

He even proposed during a concert we attended 2 months ago. Thinking that things were okay, especially since we had even opened a store together and run it in the evenings and on weekends, accepted...even though in the back o my mind i didn't think he would follow through with the marriage.

Recently, last Sunday in fact, he had left his Ipad here and something told me to look on it. I found tons of profile pics and other pics (like you would post on FB, dating sites, etc) on it. One of which was of a woman that he saved at 7:08 that morning. I decided to open his email and found that he had several mailboxes that he had created to save messages in. One was mine, some were other interests of his (hobby stuff), and one was CC. I decided to look in it. It was full of match.com notifications, tons and tons...both recent and old. There were some with "you've shown interest, now take the next step", etc. As if that wasn't enough, from his search history, I found that he had been visiting tons of porn sites...including, but not limited to stuff like "teens getting pounded", etc. I was devastated (to say the least) when I saw them all. Before closing the ipad, I took pictures of some of the notifications, his history, etc.

I then went on match.com and created a fake profile. I then did a search for him and found his profile. While on there, his "online now" light came on. I let it sit until going off (about an hour).

I wasn't going to confront him about it. I was just going to make arrangements and be gone one day this week and let him come home to an empty house and note, but when he got back on Sunday (from the store we opened together)...he kept asking me what was wrong....so I told him and lost it.

His excuse was that the profile wasn't active, so I showed him the pic of the "online now".
He then said the pics on the ipad saved themselves whenever he opened the emails, so I asked where my pics were from all the emails I had sent him.
I then went on to show him all the "history" pics and asked him about those. He had no plausible explanation.

He has sworn he loves me and is "just stupid". I have accepted a job a little further back east and am in the process of looking for housing. He wants me to stay and I know I cannot continue to be hurt. This week I have gone through the questions, cried often, and wondered what the hell I should do and how I should do it. He makes me think he is sincere in that he will "do the right thing" from now on but I have absolutely no trust in him, although I love him. My heart breaks every time I think about the relationship. I cannot understand how I am suppose to trust anyone again.

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HERWriter Guide

Hi HurtHumiliated

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry you're in this position.

Your boyfriend has shown over and over that he is not ready to be committed to one woman. Consider all this evidence a gift to you, even though it does't feel that way. Can you imagine being married to him, even having a child with him and finding all this out?

He likes the game and is a regular player. Dating co-workers, trolling dating sites...he's not willing to be with one woman. It's not going to be easy but move on. You can't overcome mistrust where there is no history of trust to begin with.

Don't allow him to insult you anymore.


July 13, 2015 - 5:40am
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you, Susan. I have cried every day since Sunday before last. I'm moving forward, but it is a slow sludgy move. We have a lot entwined between business and personal things, but I am sorting them out. I'm in the process now of finding another home back towards where we moved from, and I managed to get a job at a previous place of employment since I got laid off from the state. Thankfully, this job is keeping me busy. Now, I just have to not fall for his reassurances that he is a "victim of circumstance", etc.

July 14, 2015 - 3:18pm
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