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How long should I wait for his affection?

By June 4, 2010 - 3:35am
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About a year ago, I was diagnosed with BiPolar Mania after 18 months of a personal attack by his family, which resulted in my trying suicide. I was a crazy woman before getting diagnosed and medical help. My husband of 35 years was my sounding board and it was not pretty to say the least. I know he was stuck in the middle and since all of this he has distanced himself from his family. I have apologized and accepted responsibility for my actions and hurtful words towards him, but he still has not yet forgiven me. I have tried everything but his lack of any emotional support, just seems to trigger or fuel my mood swings. In the past 4 months, there has been only 3 instances where he even puts his arms around me, and all three were because I specifically asked him to, needless to say there is no intimacy. It has gotten so bad, I think that the only way for me to continue to get better is to file for a divorce. I love him with all my heart and soul, but I wonder everyday if living without him could hurt anymore than living with him the way he makes me feel now. Any suggestions or comments would greatly be appreciated.

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I'm so sorry. What a confusing, difficult, heart-wrenching time you have been through recently. It clearly has affected all of you in very deep ways, and that is hard to work through, even when you are taking responsibility for it (and good for you for doing that.)

You have been married for 35 years, and I know that in that time there were other hard times that the two of you had to share. How did you get through those other times? And in your opinion, what has made this time so different?

Are you on medication now and in therapy? How are YOU doing since your diagnosis and these events?

Have you talked with your husband about his feelings, and his lack of ability or interest to support you now or be intimate (or even affectionate)? What does he say?

Have you two considered counseling together? You have both been through a major event in your lives, which changed a lot of very important things -- your relationship with each other, his relationship with his family, perhaps his ability to have confidence in you and perhaps your ability to have confidence in yourself. I am thinking that talking it through with a professional therapist who understands bipolar illnesses might be your best hope. Would he do this with you? Are you interested in it?

He might be interested in this site. It is called Bipolar Significant Others, and it is specifically targeted to those whose loved ones are bipolar:


Do you think your husband wants to stay in the marriage?

June 4, 2010 - 9:46am
(reply to Diane Porter)

Since my first posting here, I have found out that during the 18 months that his family was breaking me down, while I was using him as my sounding board and out of respect for him, trying to get him to do something, anything, to stand up for me, he was being told and believed "their" versions of all the events, and at one point, not only allowed me to be ambushed, be he conspired and participated as well, to the point that a local detective advised me to leave him for safety concerns. Also since that time I have found he had allowed his younger brother to talk him into some questionable business dealings, which could come back later and possibly cause the loss of all we worked for. So the person I trusted the most to help me turned out to be my biggest enemy, FINALLY, there where not one but two incidents that he saw for himself what was really happening. At that point, his idea of fixing things is just ignore them. Now he doesn't understand why I NEED him to help me get over the hurt and betrayal, not what they did, but what he did, and he doesn't understand that "Just let it go" is not an option. We tried counseling before I hit bottom, and when "he got caught" in a lie, he refused to go back. He has only gone to my BP therapist one time, and has no interest in trying to understand why or how BP works. My therapist advised the purchase of "BIPOLAR FOR DUMMIES",which I have read at least 5 times and learn something new everytime. I have begged him to read it so that maybe he could understand, my feelings, my hurt is real, the BP only affects the intensity and how I act vs react to them. But the hurt is very real. There is a BP support group about 30 miles away, but it is also in the town in which the family members live, and I refuse to go into that town alone and he has no interest in going with me. I have offered to walk away and let him have everything, he says he loves me and doesn't want me to leave, but his words and his actions certainly do not reflect the same feelings.
The first thing I was advised was not to make any major life changes until I had the BP under control, well, as of last week, I was told we finally got the meds right and maybe talking to an attorney about a divorce is something that I might consider. I love this man with all my heart, but if he can't or isn't willing to help me heal, then maybe it is time to move on so that I can start to heal, as I certainly cannot stay here, and live him, no matter how much I love him, if he isn't willing to help me do something to get over the hurt he caused, and help me gain back his trust.
Again, I would love to now the answer to the million dollar question, does he want to stay in the marriage.... do I believe his actions or his words... and frankly after everything that I found out, I am not sure I can trust either of them.

July 30, 2010 - 3:24am
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