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ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous
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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.

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EmpowHER Guest

I have a boyfriend for 6 years. And still, we couldn't have sex. Because I am really afraid of it. I've tried everything, but nothing works. Now I am really depressed.. I need help :(

December 17, 2014 - 3:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

Many of you are suffering from vaginismus. My girlfrind and are are working on treating her condition. Sorry to tell you this but putting on your big girl panties isn't going to get it done. Have a serious talk with your husband/boyfriend and reasearch treatment options. I suggest going to vaginismus.com and educating yourself to deal with the emotional aspect and also treating the physical aspect with a set of dialators and a strong will to overcome your fears. I hope this helps and Good luck to you all.

December 5, 2014 - 2:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

Pls help me my boy friend is waiting from 3 yrs but still it didnot happen because I am very afraid wen he is about to enter..

December 4, 2014 - 2:28am
EmpowHER Guest

I see this topic is still active so I thought I should add to it only in the hopes of helping others (I googled to find the same sites I was looking at the past few years) who have been where I have been. I realize the absolute panic that sets in when anyone tries to get close to penetration if you are a female (sorry guys, I may not be much help) and I even talked to my Ob-Gyn about it after a few months of marriage had passed and I was still unable to have sex. She suggested they could try small things first and work there way up to bigger sizes of tools that I could try inserting to help ease my fear (much like the advice on here but with a prescription I guess). I declined, figured I would get over it soon and didn't go back. Oddly, I could have a pelvic exam done with just mild anxiety during so anyone I tried to talk to couldn't understand the fear of sex. Most tried to be helpful (it won't hurt at all!) while some were brutally honest (my first time hurt a ton but I got over it eventually) and some just pretended we hadn't talked about it. Just a couple of months ago, 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary with my husband (he is very loving, patient and understanding, I have picked a winner), I decided we could never have kids if I didn't get over this fear.

As I am studying for a Masters degree in clinical counseling, it occurred to me that this has been discussed several times in my texts regarding certain phobias, including this one, that people can overcome it, they just have to find a reason and be ready. I love my husband and I was tired of not doing "normal" married couple things in that regard. I wanted to have a family and there is only one way to make babies (although we have looked at adopting and foster care) and when it came down to it, I was tired of being afraid.

So for those who keep getting advice on how to get over it, let me just tell you what actually happened and maybe it will help or at least give you hope. He was gaming online with some of our best friends in another state and took a break to cook dinner. Dinner had about 30 minutes to cook and I had been looking at pictures of my 3 God Daughters and thought to myself, yup I want that, and my hubby is in the kitchen cooking me dinner, what girl doesn't want that? So I internally told myself we were going to suck it up, if it was as painful as some said, well, then I would consider it practice for birthing a baby. I then said "So like 30 minutes? Is that long enough to have sex?" He didn't even look up and said "Yeah", he is used to my millions of questions about sex (ask your partner questions, share your fear, only they can help make you comfortable enough to have sex with them). "Lets go then" and I grabbed his hand, walked into the room and stripped down. He actually responded with "Shut up" because he thought I was kidding. Once he realized I wasn't and we both were ready for the actual moment, he talked me through it! The right partner really does help ladies.

He told me to relax my thighs and other parts because clenching the muscles might make it hurt. I relaxed as best I could and once the scary part (penetration) happened, I kid you not I said "Oh..is that all?" Again, thankfully I have a wonderful hubby who knew it was a commentary on the act itself and not about him. He laughed and said "Yes". Now, there are times since when it has been sore or pinched because my body (and yours will do the same!) is getting used to this happening at different times with varying styles/speeds (I'd rather over share then not help someone!) and I just inhale sharply (like when you stub your toe) and then the discomfort eases or at least becomes more enjoyable and less on the painful side, it never actually hurts, if that makes sense. Also, being OCD, I was worried about blood, there was none but I put a towel down anyway.

Moral of the very long story, if I can overcome this at age 32 and after almost 5 years of marriage then no one should despair. It will be ok, you just have to find the time when you are ready. Talk to your partner. Only the two of you will be able to create the safe, loving setting you need for this fear to subside.

November 10, 2014 - 10:39am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You are awesome! Thank you so much! I have been married for 4 months and it hasn't happened. We tried ALOT. I would scream at the pain. He would retrieve. I have told him "stop" a bunch of times. That only created hopelessness in him. He soon would stop trying. I am a virgin so I had no desire for it. It was more about for him than me. Now, we are super busy. I am a full-time teacher and he is a salesmen. Finding those times to be in that emotional state of mind where this will happen has been difficult. We have tried the quicky, but it hasn't worked for me. Once, he got half way in and I didn't even notice. It was such a victory. He hasn't gotten fully in yet. Is halfway in considered sex? Plus, I am on my cycle today. However, I still want to try. I want this so bad now. I wish to consecrate my marriage tonight. That is my motivation. Having a regular sex life. We are both praying for me. He is definitely a winner, for he has been super patient and loving towards me. I am so thankful! Any tips?

December 6, 2014 - 4:48pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm the same. My husband and I have been married a month and I still haven't let him from doing intercourse and has also been getting very upset. I hate feeling scared of having sex because of the pain but I don't want my husband to be unhappy. I have decided to give it a try once he gets home from work and I pray so that I don't back out.

October 2, 2014 - 6:11am
EmpowHER Guest

I am going through the same thing. its been two months since we've been married. I'm researching now ways to deal with it. Today I've made a decision to put my big girl panties on and take ownership and love him more than myself. It has been tough 2 months. Many struggles. I am going to pray a lot and make it happen this weekend.

September 26, 2014 - 4:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

I experience d same

September 13, 2014 - 12:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi `ya all.
Had the same problem with penetration up untill a few month back.
Met a special someone who just managed to break all my walls and inhibitions basically on our first officiall date.
We met a few times briefly and then 2 monthes later he just showed up at my work place and for a whole hour waited to ask me ot pretending meanwhile he needed something for his -now- newborn - future nefue.
I had this overwelming feeling just speaking to him over the phone. am an observant jewish who up untill I met him - was a "technically" 5 year old virgin who was very much into boys her whole life but had to wait for that guy that special guy who was sweet and special and I felt like I could trust him allmost complitally. We just fell into each other arms and I told him my fears so it took about 3 times untill I really have let go - I bled so much I think I`v scared him -It was indeed painfull but not as badly as I thought and the secret was that we were really attracted to one another and had this insane emotional connection - He just made me very much aroused with his fingers and was soooo patient - when I met him 4 the first time I was a 210% sure he was gay!!!!!!!!!! well he was`nt - seemed so innocent that beautifull sexy bastard lol - but he was such a GUY!!! he even swayed me over his back and carried me like a princess!!! I was hooked on him for month but because we are both liberal observant jews we felt bad so we decided to giveit a month and see if we are marriage matterial - as we both very spiriyual and want a family of our own very much. eventually he broke up with me but it was mutual I guess cause he was a poet and a dreamer and a worrior and a true intellectuall prince - but all I`m looking for is this very very simple guy who`d cuddle with me on the soafa after a hard day at work. He is devorced and lived with a much older and dead beautifull women for a while and broke a few hearts but I`m still inlove with him and trying very hard to pull away/He is also a gardner and he had me writing these amazing love songs. I know it sounds like a teenage dream but I`m a virgo and we are so judgemental we don`t let anyone in!!!!! One thing I`d like to add is that prior to meeting him accidentally - I took some belly dancing lessons which freed my inner sexuall Godess - Just saying - and I`m also suffering from a phobia from vomiting which I read is relevant since it involves fear or passing through narrow objects - am also insanely claustrophobic - so to all you virgins out there - don`t settle on someone you don`t love and - YES - wait untill you get married unless you`re 35 and feel like any minute now you`re about to die from not living!!!!!! Big hug Sorry it was long - had to tell you how I felt - am also terrified that God forbid something bad would happen to him since 2 guys I`v been inlove with - one my first kiss - one a few yars younger then me prince charming - have died - I`m scared they would draft him to the Israeli army with the war going in Gaza. Also since I`m religious I have my regrets but I also feel relifed and much much much more of a confident desirable woman :}

August 4, 2014 - 4:09pm
EmpowHER Guest


I am in a serious relationship for 4 years with a guy that i really love And we really love each other a lot.
The problem is that recently we met in my flat and when we were in my room,he started to seem very nervous,he even said “pretty bed” and touched my hand many times and we hugged.But sudenly he became more nervous and said he had to leave.And he runned away from me.After that,he said he was very sorry but his fear won.
First i thought i did something wrong but yesterday after we talk he told me it:” “ Well... what do you expect from a first time?what do you expect from a first time in becoming intimate?I’m worry that you couldnt like it. :( I never did such things before :( “

And he talked about it to a friend:” Well, I never had sex before or did anything simliar. So I'm scared of doing something wrong and she is disappointed or hurt or runs away. :(
I never did it. Yes, I'm 24 years and didnt do anything like this before. I never did such things. Therefore I dont have any experience. :( I know she is a cute girl. But I'm very nervous anyway. (worry) But thats normal in the first time, isnt it?”

Now i know that my bf is scared of our first time.
:( He’s 24 years old and i’m 35 years old :( how can i help him? I want it to be good and special for both,but especially for him.The truth is that i’m not so experienced.I only did it once,long time ago with a bf who died.

Please help me.Thank you!

August 1, 2014 - 5:16am
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