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How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous July 13, 2009 - 4:05am
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im scared to have sex

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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband because I'm scared of sex for the first time. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy. I don't want to be scared of sex.

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EmpowHER Guest

We are married since 2013 and running our 4 th year now. Whenever my husband touch the hole, i feel very painful followed by fainting and vomiting. But, i myself ask him to do it in the upper side of the vagina and i really getting mood and getting wet. He says he is completely satisfied with the intercourse. But, whenever i am going for a pelvic exam i am under tremendous pressure and when i enter inside the doctor's cabin i am getting blackout and vomiting on seeing the instrument and i recover almost after 1 hour. This happend on 2 occasions with 2 different gynaecologists. I am really expecting to have a baby but i don't know how to overcome ths problem. Please suggest.

March 20, 2017 - 10:36am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

It sounds like you have severe anxiety when it comes to sex. Did you experience past sexual trauma ?

You need to seek therapy so you can get a diagnosis as soon as possible.

March 20, 2017 - 2:49pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am with my boy frnd for 10 yrs and we nevr had sex since we decided not to have premarital sex.now we have been married for 3 weeks and i am pushing him away while penetrating. I let finger me one day and i bled considerably.Then i started putting my finger and started getting comfortble with finger.I dont resist much when he puts his finger in my vagina.We have bought vaginal dialators to make myself used to the foriegn object penetartion.He was able insert first 2 sizes with ease and very less pain.But i am still scarred to penis penetration.when i said i want to get comfortable witn all size dialators my husband became very frustrated that he has been waiting for 10 yrs and because of my usless fears its going to take forevr to have sec.i love him very much and i want make him happy.but how do i make him understand me fear and that i need little more time to overcome my fear.we both njoy oral sex and i get wet well during foreplay.i am almost 30.If i dont overcome my fear i myself will be breaking my marriage and 10 yrs relation.i am very depressed and not able to concentrate on anything.

February 22, 2017 - 9:45am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Since it has only been three weeks since you got married and you are able to engage in other sexual activities, advise your husband that you are getting there, but need more time.

If you still have such fears, consult your doctor - there may be a medical reason for your fear/discomfort.


February 22, 2017 - 1:03pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been married for 1 year and 4 months. We have been trying to figure out what makes me to back out from sex, but its just I am scared of the pain. One day my husband suggested me to consult a doctor and take her advise. To my bad she scolded me in front of my husband and nurses in the room that I was hurt so badly. Since I am very good at emotional control I did not break out at the movement but the next day when husband left for work I cried my heart out. At this point of time I got a call from my MIL telling BIL wife is pregnant. I know my husband is angry, sad, frustrated but I am helpless. I watched him scold me, curse me, screaming at me but nothing went inside my head, I was thinking how lucky my SIL is,she had a happy sex life now a baby. I am happy for her but as well i am wreaked. It made me feel that I am useless.
I started searching for advised online and came across this page and found that I am not the only one who is suffering from this problem. Reading this page calms me down and try to overcome my fear and is mentally preparing for it. May be soon everything will be alright and I will too have a baby. Thank you to all who took time to give advises and thank you for reading my experience.

January 5, 2017 - 1:09am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi , It was same for the me .It took 3 months for me to have sex although I tried it 20 times before I cud finally do it.I used to cry everytime I tried and failed to overcome the fear of penetration.
But one day I mustered the courage and just did it thinking that worst case is pain, nothing else. And it actually did pain a lot even if I was self lubricated and my husband was also slow and easy.It did pain even for the next 3 times as well. But after that it was ecstatic and orgasmic.
It might not even pain for you as it did not pain for many of my friends.So just accept the worst case, in worst case its just gonna pain, thats it and that also for 15 seconds.And worst might even not be the case for you, it might not pain as well.Also u r not imagining the pleasure u will get after u r done with few first timers.

January 22, 2017 - 4:49pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Thanks for sharing your story.

It sounds like you are living in a place that is very backward or has no understanding of women. That doctor was horrendous - please see a new doctor. You can also see your doctor alone - why was your husband there with other staff?

It's likely you need psychological help - sex is not painful but you are now under a lot of pressure and that will not help. You need a therapist, not a regular doctor.

Please seek further care and stay in touch with us.


January 5, 2017 - 2:24pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Hi..Thank you for the advice. I wanted to meet a gynaecologist to discuss these problems but I am embarrassed to consult. I am actually afraid that will she also treat me like the first doctor I consulted. I want a baby so badly. My brother in laws wife delivered a sweet baby boy and I am sitting here staring at his pictures and cry. I always wanted to see his new pictures but they send me the pictures very rarely, that make me really sad. I wanted to solve this problem of pain myself but I don't know how. When it reaches the end the pain is severe. I tried to relax my body but when it reaches that particular point it hurts very badly.

March 19, 2017 - 11:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

After reading many posts here i feel am not the only one afraid of having intercourse for the first time.
Its been a year of my marriage i am still avoiding having intercourse. And because of that have several tensions between my husband and me.
Whenever he tries to do i push him back. With which he gets angry and things get worse between us. Being a girl i really want to have sex but i cant get over the fear of pain. I dnt understand sometimes either i dont want to have with him or he is not able to do it properly and blaming me or its all about my fear that its not happening. Please help me.


December 27, 2016 - 9:34pm

Does anyone have idea about therapy treatment for this fear?how long does it take to recover?

October 26, 2016 - 1:22pm
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