ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?
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Anonymous
July 13, 2009 - 4:05am
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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.
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Hi Anon
Thanks for your question and welcome to Empowher!
I'm sorry you fear sex so much. It's not usually painful the first time, it's just "unusual" in the fact that you are experiencing something for the first time.
Sex is a very natural and normal event in a person's life but unfortunately it's easy to listen/read or see information that tells us it'll hurt or it's weird etc.
Will this also be your husband's first time? He needs to take his time, engage in lots of foreplay (most women need and want this) and I think you'll lose that sense of fear.
Where did this sense come from? Have people told you it really hurts or that it's something that is painful? Or is it just something that has been building up in your mind?
I know you want to keep your "husband happy" by having sex with him but also remember that you need to enjoy sex too. It isn't something that women should have to do to please men. Sex is also great for women - and women have every right to enjoy sex and not have it be some kind of marital duty. I hope your husband feels this way too.
The key is to relax. It's easy to say, I know. Take a long, warm bath. Dim the lights a little and maybe play some music. Have a glass of wine if you like. If you don't relax you'll always have that fear. Make sure your husband knows to take him time, too. You are in no rush! The first time is always a little scary but it will only get better and better if you both relax and allow yourselves to enjoy it!
Do you have a sister or female cousin or good friend you can talk to, as well as your husband?
July 13, 2009 - 12:02pmThis Comment
Thanks for your response. The fact is that we've married three months back. My husband is very supportive and understanding. He is also first time in sex. it is not that fact that i need to make him please only but we both want to to enjoy our sex life. That's why he never force me to have sex. My cousin shared me about her experince of having first sex and that always makes me fear of sex. I tried lot of time but did not proceed further due to fear only. many times my hubby was anger due to my attitude but again he cooled down due to my fear. he knows that i loved him too much but could not have sex due to this fear. And since it is already three months has gone, so i think i could not say him that it is rush. hi gives me lot of time but i'm not able to that level. Do i need any help from Doctor? Does it really help? Even i'm very shy to discuss about my sex life to anyone face to face except my hubby. so it is very uncomfortable for me to discuss it to any doctor or sexologist. Pleaese help me in details. if there is any medicine that help me, please let me know.
July 13, 2009 - 11:05pmi am fear off having sex as i and my boyfriend are in a relationship of four year we have done sex 2 times and it pain me a lot. now my boyfriend has start telling me it should not pain but i am fear of how to remove the fear and making my boyfriend happy as he start complain .
January 21, 2010 - 1:16pmCan you tell us more about what you are fearful about, in regards to sex?
What exactly is physically painful during intercourse? For example:
- Does it hurt upon insertion of his penis on the very outside of your vagina or vulva?
- Does it hurt only after a few minutes of sex, on the inside or outside of your vagina?
- Does it hurt if your boyfriend inserts his penis too deep and feels like he "hits" or "bumps" into something inside your vagina (your cervix)?
What emotional or mental pain/hurt do you feel during sex (or, any physical/sexual intimacy)?
Fear of sex can be routed in many different places, and have many different causes.
- Have you ever been sexually assaulted or had an unwanted sexual or physical experience or trauma?
- Do you feel that you can trust your current boyfriend, and that he will listen to you if you want to slow down, or stop, being physically intimate, at any point?
- Do you feel that you are able to physically respond appropriately, as part of the sexual response (meaning: do you feel "wet" and that your vagina is lubricated?).
- Do you have any underlying medical conditions that may be hindering physical enjoyment, and/or causing pain? Have you been evaluated by a Gynecologist?
This fear can be resolved in more (seemingly) simple steps, including: taking more time for foreplay, adding lubrication (bought from the store, such as KY Jelly or Astroglide), knowing your body and communicating with your partner about what feels good, and overall just relaxing and enjoying the time that you are spending being physically close and intimate.
This fear can also be more complicated, as having a previous unwanted experience that is still unknowingly terrifying you or holding you back. It can be psychological or underlying pressure that you have certain expectations about what you/your partner should or should not be doing. You can be in an unhealthy relationship, and your body is responding to this fear by not responding sexually. Your fear can be routed in your childhood, a previous experience, or fear of your current partner.
Can you tell us some of the answers to the above questions, so that we may provide more information to help?
January 21, 2010 - 1:39pmI am having the same problem too. Married with my husband for 2 months. We are trying to have sex, but when his penis touch my vagina, I begin to panic and tend to close my legs. I was so scared of the pain. and feeling my private part is very tight and can't image how hurt it will be when something insert in. Can anyone help?
February 10, 2010 - 12:58amAnon,
I'm so sorry that you are fearful about sex. Did you read Susan's and Alison's posts, above?
Like Susan said, the first time usually doesn't hurt like you are thinking it will. The actual act of intercourse for the first time just tears the tissue called the hymen, which is a very thin sheet of tissue -- not even as thick as skin. So there may be a small sting, but it is not even as painful as a cut to your finger or a bad scrape on your knee. And it is over very quickly. Nothing else hurts. But, like Susan said, it is just a new feeling because it's something you've not experienced before.
Can you take some of the above suggestions, like having a glass of wine and a warm bath first? Anything to take the stress away. By being so tense, you are making it seem much worse than it is. Relaxation and depending on your partner to be gentle are the keys.
Does this help a little?
February 11, 2010 - 8:49amhiee....even i have the same problem i am married for three years now and still i m scared of intercourse whenever he tries i just tighten my legs i feel that it will hurt me
June 19, 2011 - 1:32ambu t wat can i do ..even i m tensed...three years passed still scared but i have inserted other thngs such as round shaped instruments into the vagina and it was 2 inches inside
Thank you all for posting. I didn't realize how many people fear sex but Susan, Alison, and Diane's posts are very helpful.
I did have a tiny bit of fear my first time, which is completely normal, but nothing to the point where it would stop me. The way I figured, as long as I got the first time out of the way, the rest would be pleasurable. To say the truth, it was a bit uncomfortable at first, but if you don't stop it from happening and let it take its natural course, it gets better. Doing the "in and out--stop--ok, go--wait, maybe not"---is not going to help get rid of the fear or the discomfort.
This irrational fear that some people have about sex is likely brought upon by people that love us such as our parents or family members telling us it hurts because they don't want us to have sex or get pregnant at a very young age. I can only say I hope my daughter has this fear, at least till she's 18 :)
I definitely think relaxing and forgetting about it as much as you can is the key. It is VERY possible to forget about "pain" when you are in the moment with your partner but not if PAIN is all you're thinking about to begin with.
February 11, 2010 - 1:33pmi liked the above post hope every individual who has this fear may follow it
September 2, 2010 - 7:58amThank you all!
January 23, 2011 - 2:38amI would like to share my experience. Im married and i face the same fear of sex. I tried couple of times but I stopped my husband each time. I cried and even get traumatised. I feel fear has overcome over me!
Now, answering your questions:
Have you ever been sexually assaulted or had an unwanted sexual or physical experience or trauma? Never
- Do you feel that you can trust your current boyfriend, and that he will listen to you if you want to slow down, or stop, being physically intimate, at any point? My husband is a very good listener, he listens, he discusses that with me and he is very understanding and patient.
- Do you feel that you are able to physically respond appropriately, as part of the sexual response (meaning: do you feel "wet" and that your vagina is lubricated?). I feel wet and my vagina is lubricated but when it comes to insertion, I cant continue..
- Do you have any underlying medical conditions that may be hindering physical enjoyment, and/or causing pain? Have you been evaluated by a Gynecologist? I've been to the gynaecologist and she told me that I have a very tight hymen and this is the reason behind the strength of pain, she even explained to me that i have to suffer the first times.
Im sharing my experience as i thought im the only woman who is fearful of sex..Im glad to have this space where i can feel I share my pain and suffering of not having sex and not enjoying it with you ladies.. thanks!