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ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous
 
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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.

Add a Comment79 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well i guess i am the older sufferer of this 'afraid of intercourse/etc'. I've been married for 8 years and 4 months to a loving and very patient husband. We're both virgins until now. I've been through alot of times rhinking if i can numb it or if can take drugs or any sleeping pills just not to feel the pain. well i've tried being drunk, and guess what happened? We ended up arguing. Because i vomit or puke alot that it made him so upset. And until now im still suffering with this problem. I still dont know what to do. i am 32 yrs old.and i want to have kida. But everytime we tried to do it we only ended up for nothing. I cried so many es because of this sjsjjsjsjs problem. Ple

January 24, 2015 - 6:33am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You need therapy for your fears. This is not a physical issue you have, rather a psychological one.  If you want this to stop and to enjoy a good sex life, please talk to your doctor about therapy. It will really help.

Best,

Susan

January 26, 2015 - 6:57am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well i guess i am the older sufferer of this 'afraid of intercourse/etc'. I've been married for 8 years and 4 months to a loving and very patient husband. We're both virgins until now. I've been through alot of times rhinking if i can numb it or if can take drugs or any sleeping pills just not to feel the pain. well i've tried being drunk, and guess what happened? We ended up arguing. Because i vomit or puke alot that it made him so upset. And until now im still suffering with this problem. I still dont know what to do. i am 32 yrs old.and i want to have kida. But everytime we tried to do it we only ended up for nothing. I cried so many es because of this sjsjjsjsjs problem. Ple

January 24, 2015 - 6:31am
Michelle2014

I guess I got here like everybody, with the same question and somehow with the same problem and same fear. Honestly I though that I was alone because it never came to my mind that a "woman can have fear of sex" but I do. I have been married for a year and four months and is been really hard the last time that we try I freak out and I didnt wanted to do it all, not even try. We gave another chance and keep trying but nothing has worked so far. I want to have kids and have a family, I don't want to stay like the way that I am, but I feel that this fear is bigger than me, I try to find help, but thats hard because I am afraid that they are going to say that I am crazy, or how can I have fear of sex. I have though many ways, like getting drunk so I won't feel it, or maybe numb it so I wont feel it, but thats kind of crazy so I havent really try that. I am afraid of the pain, but I want to try some stuff that some people mention in here, maybe just get used to it or like someone say use a tampon, I want to give it a try. I want to be able to enjoy sex with my husband, thats what I wish. I want to be able to trust him in that part and I want to enjoy it, if any of you have any suggestions that will make sex better for me and maybe getting used to it, than I will be really happy to read them. This page actually gave me that peace that I am not alone and that I am not actually the only one who feels like this, so thank you for that. God Bless.

January 5, 2015 - 5:55am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Michelle2014)

Hi Michelle

Thanks for your post.

This is a long standing fear of yours that probably needs therapy. Your issue is psychological, not physical and therapy will help. 

Is there are reason for your fears? Were you raised to believe sex was somehow bad or wrong (outside or marriage or otherwise?) These notions can really affect women. Your doctor can refer you to a good therapist; I think you are beyond trying tampons or getting drunk. I think your issue is deeper than that. 

Best,

Susan

January 7, 2015 - 5:40am
Michelle2014 (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you. And yes this lady when I was 15 she talk about sex and she say that it hurt a lot and that really freak me out. I am trying to see if sex therapy can help me because I really want get rid off this fear.

Thank you so much.

January 13, 2015 - 2:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello,
I have a boyfriend for 6 years. And still, we couldn't have sex. Because I am really afraid of it. I've tried everything, but nothing works. Now I am really depressed.. I need help :(

December 17, 2014 - 3:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Many of you are suffering from vaginismus. My girlfrind and are are working on treating her condition. Sorry to tell you this but putting on your big girl panties isn't going to get it done. Have a serious talk with your husband/boyfriend and reasearch treatment options. I suggest going to vaginismus.com and educating yourself to deal with the emotional aspect and also treating the physical aspect with a set of dialators and a strong will to overcome your fears. I hope this helps and Good luck to you all.

December 5, 2014 - 2:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Pls help me my boy friend is waiting from 3 yrs but still it didnot happen because I am very afraid wen he is about to enter..

December 4, 2014 - 2:28am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I see this topic is still active so I thought I should add to it only in the hopes of helping others (I googled to find the same sites I was looking at the past few years) who have been where I have been. I realize the absolute panic that sets in when anyone tries to get close to penetration if you are a female (sorry guys, I may not be much help) and I even talked to my Ob-Gyn about it after a few months of marriage had passed and I was still unable to have sex. She suggested they could try small things first and work there way up to bigger sizes of tools that I could try inserting to help ease my fear (much like the advice on here but with a prescription I guess). I declined, figured I would get over it soon and didn't go back. Oddly, I could have a pelvic exam done with just mild anxiety during so anyone I tried to talk to couldn't understand the fear of sex. Most tried to be helpful (it won't hurt at all!) while some were brutally honest (my first time hurt a ton but I got over it eventually) and some just pretended we hadn't talked about it. Just a couple of months ago, 2 months shy of my 5 year anniversary with my husband (he is very loving, patient and understanding, I have picked a winner), I decided we could never have kids if I didn't get over this fear.

As I am studying for a Masters degree in clinical counseling, it occurred to me that this has been discussed several times in my texts regarding certain phobias, including this one, that people can overcome it, they just have to find a reason and be ready. I love my husband and I was tired of not doing "normal" married couple things in that regard. I wanted to have a family and there is only one way to make babies (although we have looked at adopting and foster care) and when it came down to it, I was tired of being afraid.

So for those who keep getting advice on how to get over it, let me just tell you what actually happened and maybe it will help or at least give you hope. He was gaming online with some of our best friends in another state and took a break to cook dinner. Dinner had about 30 minutes to cook and I had been looking at pictures of my 3 God Daughters and thought to myself, yup I want that, and my hubby is in the kitchen cooking me dinner, what girl doesn't want that? So I internally told myself we were going to suck it up, if it was as painful as some said, well, then I would consider it practice for birthing a baby. I then said "So like 30 minutes? Is that long enough to have sex?" He didn't even look up and said "Yeah", he is used to my millions of questions about sex (ask your partner questions, share your fear, only they can help make you comfortable enough to have sex with them). "Lets go then" and I grabbed his hand, walked into the room and stripped down. He actually responded with "Shut up" because he thought I was kidding. Once he realized I wasn't and we both were ready for the actual moment, he talked me through it! The right partner really does help ladies.

He told me to relax my thighs and other parts because clenching the muscles might make it hurt. I relaxed as best I could and once the scary part (penetration) happened, I kid you not I said "Oh..is that all?" Again, thankfully I have a wonderful hubby who knew it was a commentary on the act itself and not about him. He laughed and said "Yes". Now, there are times since when it has been sore or pinched because my body (and yours will do the same!) is getting used to this happening at different times with varying styles/speeds (I'd rather over share then not help someone!) and I just inhale sharply (like when you stub your toe) and then the discomfort eases or at least becomes more enjoyable and less on the painful side, it never actually hurts, if that makes sense. Also, being OCD, I was worried about blood, there was none but I put a towel down anyway.

Moral of the very long story, if I can overcome this at age 32 and after almost 5 years of marriage then no one should despair. It will be ok, you just have to find the time when you are ready. Talk to your partner. Only the two of you will be able to create the safe, loving setting you need for this fear to subside.

November 10, 2014 - 10:39am
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