Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest

How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous July 13, 2009 - 4:05am
Rate This
im scared to have sex

Via Unsplash

i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband because I'm scared of sex for the first time. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy. I don't want to be scared of sex.

Add a Comment104 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

After being married for 4 years and with my husband for 8, I got frustrated with my situation. I visited a reputed gynaecologist who firstly assured me I was not alone. She spoke about a few other cases (anonymity intact) and told me how they were able to have intercourse and children, when they decided to. She also gave me confidence that most of the deliveries were normal.
She examined me (I was very reluctant but she was an angel) and used a thin rimmed examining tool (lets call it a pipette, about a 1.5cms in diameter) told me everything was fine down there and this fear is easily addressable. She also made me insert the apparatus and asked me to slide it a few times so i get comfortable doing it. She explained how the vagina is very elastic and stress and fear can make it contract and cause the pain to increase. The pipettes came in increasing diameters and she put me on the narrowest 2 to start with. I have to consult her to get larger ones She also gave me some lubricants to work with. After using it, and using the techniques to relax i can imagine crossing this horrible phase soon. since my progress, I highly recommend anyone to seek help. Theres no awkwardness to this and we need to move forward with our lives after all.

July 19, 2016 - 7:44am
EmpowHER Guest

same problem with me.. my husband is very good nd always support me.. nd i feel very frustrated that i can not make him happy.. love him but do not know why do i fear with sex..please help me.. And tell me about therapy.

January 9, 2016 - 9:27am
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anonymous,

It is good that you have an understanding and supportive husband.

Genophobia, also known as coitophobia, is the fear of sexual intercourse. People with this fear may be afraid of all sex acts, or only of intercourse itself.

Like all phobias, genophobia is most likely to develop after a severe trauma. Rape and molestation are the most common triggers for genophobia, and cultural upbringing and religious teachings may also increase the risk for this fear. Genophobia is sometimes linked to insecurities or body image issues, as well as medical concerns.

Genophobia is often treated by sex therapists, who are mental health professionals with advanced training and certification in sexual matters. However, most cases of genophobia can also be treated by traditional therapists without the additional certification. Furthermore, those who experience pain or other medical difficulties during intercourse should seek advice from a medical doctor.


January 18, 2016 - 9:39am
EmpowHER Guest

I feel like I'm in the same boat as a lot of you, but then I also feel like I've taken my situation way too far and not done anything. I've been married for over three years and been with my husband for almost 7 years,and yes we have tried it but it seems every time I just get scared and push away and then he yells and gets angry. I don't know what the cause of my fear is. It's gotten so bad to the point that I don't even want to try anymore because of fear that he will get mad, yell at me and threaten to leave. I feel like it's a psychological thing for me but I also fear that if I talk to someone they will judge me and make me feel just as horrible. I don't know what to do because I feel like I have put so much into this relationship and am just throwing it away. I don't even know who I could talk to, I feel like I'm just dumb and should accept the fact that I could possibly be alone for the rest of my life. Which is horrible to think about because I'm under 30.

November 11, 2015 - 12:04am
EmpowHER Guest

So is been a while that I have not been in here. Before I wrote that I couldnt have sex. I have been with my husband with 2 years and our marriage it was falling apart. I try to search everything, like how to numb myself, or ways to not feel the pain. I was scared, thats how I finish in this page. Trying to find answers like everyone. This is a real issue, a real problem. I though that I was alone, and no. When I came in here I came to find answers, and I did. I found therapy near me. Im christian, I believe in God and all of that. I found answers, and finally I did after 8 months of therapy. I was afraid of the pain, but is not bad it all. One thing I can say is that you need to relax, and talk to your partner tell him that you want to go slow. Thats what I did. When I first did it, I had a cup of red wine, because I was really afraid. But... we did it. And if I did it, you can do it also. Right now we are going slow but is getting better than the first time for sure. You just really need to love your partner and he needs to be very patient because is not easy. Good luck!!!

November 8, 2015 - 2:26pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi..I have read all 9 pages of this thread & thought its best to talk out my feelings with u instead of just reading what others are going through.. I have been married for 1.8 years now & no successful intercourse despite countless attempts ! Now we are at a point that we try once a month or sometimes even once in two months to see if Im ready or not but I think this has worsen the problem ! I love my husband & he loves me back but we are unable to make this connection just because of my anxiety and fear. I push him, start shouting, cant breath properly when he's about to go inside & I secretly hate myself afterwards ! We have been to gynaecologist. I couldnt even let her touch me & told her to examine some other day & then I never went back ! I dont have any history of abuse & have tried pretty much all lubricants ky, olive oil, vaseline, baby lotion even lidocaine for numbness plus painkiller and muscle relaxant before attempting intercourse, nothing has worked successfully ! My husband has been patient throughout but now im tired ! I'm really looking fwd to some motivating words, tips & suggestions to get me through this.

September 13, 2015 - 2:12pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Just relax.

November 11, 2015 - 7:03am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon
It sounds like your problem may be in your brain, not your body. I think you should see a therapist to work on this.

September 16, 2015 - 3:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I understand were you are coming from. I've been married for nearly 5 years now and still same problem it's just soooo hard

September 16, 2015 - 9:27am
EmpowHER Guest

i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.

July 8, 2015 - 11:16pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!