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ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous
 
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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi `ya all.
Had the same problem with penetration up untill a few month back.
Met a special someone who just managed to break all my walls and inhibitions basically on our first officiall date.
We met a few times briefly and then 2 monthes later he just showed up at my work place and for a whole hour waited to ask me ot pretending meanwhile he needed something for his -now- newborn - future nefue.
I had this overwelming feeling just speaking to him over the phone. am an observant jewish who up untill I met him - was a "technically" 5 year old virgin who was very much into boys her whole life but had to wait for that guy that special guy who was sweet and special and I felt like I could trust him allmost complitally. We just fell into each other arms and I told him my fears so it took about 3 times untill I really have let go - I bled so much I think I`v scared him -It was indeed painfull but not as badly as I thought and the secret was that we were really attracted to one another and had this insane emotional connection - He just made me very much aroused with his fingers and was soooo patient - when I met him 4 the first time I was a 210% sure he was gay!!!!!!!!!! well he was`nt - seemed so innocent that beautifull sexy bastard lol - but he was such a GUY!!! he even swayed me over his back and carried me like a princess!!! I was hooked on him for month but because we are both liberal observant jews we felt bad so we decided to giveit a month and see if we are marriage matterial - as we both very spiriyual and want a family of our own very much. eventually he broke up with me but it was mutual I guess cause he was a poet and a dreamer and a worrior and a true intellectuall prince - but all I`m looking for is this very very simple guy who`d cuddle with me on the soafa after a hard day at work. He is devorced and lived with a much older and dead beautifull women for a while and broke a few hearts but I`m still inlove with him and trying very hard to pull away/He is also a gardner and he had me writing these amazing love songs. I know it sounds like a teenage dream but I`m a virgo and we are so judgemental we don`t let anyone in!!!!! One thing I`d like to add is that prior to meeting him accidentally - I took some belly dancing lessons which freed my inner sexuall Godess - Just saying - and I`m also suffering from a phobia from vomiting which I read is relevant since it involves fear or passing through narrow objects - am also insanely claustrophobic - so to all you virgins out there - don`t settle on someone you don`t love and - YES - wait untill you get married unless you`re 35 and feel like any minute now you`re about to die from not living!!!!!! Big hug Sorry it was long - had to tell you how I felt - am also terrified that God forbid something bad would happen to him since 2 guys I`v been inlove with - one my first kiss - one a few yars younger then me prince charming - have died - I`m scared they would draft him to the Israeli army with the war going in Gaza. Also since I`m religious I have my regrets but I also feel relifed and much much much more of a confident desirable woman :}

August 4, 2014 - 4:09pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hello
everyone

I am in a serious relationship for 4 years with a guy that i really love And we really love each other a lot.
The problem is that recently we met in my flat and when we were in my room,he started to seem very nervous,he even said “pretty bed” and touched my hand many times and we hugged.But sudenly he became more nervous and said he had to leave.And he runned away from me.After that,he said he was very sorry but his fear won.
First i thought i did something wrong but yesterday after we talk he told me it:” “ Well... what do you expect from a first time?what do you expect from a first time in becoming intimate?I’m worry that you couldnt like it. :( I never did such things before :( “

And he talked about it to a friend:” Well, I never had sex before or did anything simliar. So I'm scared of doing something wrong and she is disappointed or hurt or runs away. :(
I never did it. Yes, I'm 24 years and didnt do anything like this before. I never did such things. Therefore I dont have any experience. :( I know she is a cute girl. But I'm very nervous anyway. (worry) But thats normal in the first time, isnt it?”

Now i know that my bf is scared of our first time.
:( He’s 24 years old and i’m 35 years old :( how can i help him? I want it to be good and special for both,but especially for him.The truth is that i’m not so experienced.I only did it once,long time ago with a bf who died.

Please help me.Thank you!

August 1, 2014 - 5:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

As a virgin you will be really "tight" and this can make it uncomfortable . . . but it isnt guaranteed to.

You want to use lots of Lubrication, in addition to "getting wet", and you want to do some lesser penetration leading up to it. If you are averse to using objects or toys then Fingers will have to do, not just sticking them in but also pulling to the sides too. But if you are not averse to using objects . . .

For a week or two before you lay down for the first time, insert objects into it. This doesnt take your virginity since its not actually a male penis. Small objects such as tampons, a toothbrush case, even a small-medium size cucumber. Put a condom on the somewhat larger ones, and just work them in gently and slowly, and use lubrication like K-Y.

The trick here is giving time to adjust, for the vagina to relax, and to know what to expect. You're not going to be able to work on it for 40 minutes with his penis so thats why you use objects. Because you can try multiple times and take as much time as you need. And it will get you familiar and comfortable with something penetrating you down there.

When it comes time to make love and go all the way, there may still be some anxiety involved but it wont be as bad. A warm penis actually feels a little squishier and different than other objects, its hard but the skin and head is flexible, so it does not feel so cold and artificial.

You may also want to "get on top" for your first time rather than have him on top, this way you can guide it in and control it. Being in control of that feels more assuring than laying down and not knowing what to expect.

June 26, 2014 - 2:18pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm 17 and still a virgin. I'm so afraid of having sexual intercores but I can't help myself. Whenever I think about it, I kind of get sick. I do play with myself, but I never slide in me anything. How can I overcome the problem and the fear of having sexual intercores? Please help me, I feel like a loser.

June 17, 2014 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am scared of sex a lot the fears of having a baby hunt me down.

March 5, 2014 - 4:59pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Pregnancy is often a result of having sex but the proper use of birth control can eliminate the risk almost completely (although nothing is a 100% certain). 

Talk to your doctor about birth control options - this is your right to do this. Or make sure your partner uses a condom each and every time you have sex. 

Can you do this?

Susan

March 6, 2014 - 12:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've read this whole topic and my fear only got larger...its scary that this fear can last that long and everything so I don't see any help except the knowing that you are not alone. Because I have the same problem with my husband and I think that I have to get drunk or something to do it because I don't have more patience for it, its driving me crazy...is it a bad idea?

January 27, 2014 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I had the same problem too and solved it by advises through internet. So gonna share my experience. We tried to have intercourse after doing everything. the truth came out. I wasn't able to let my partner get in to me . So freaked out, sweating a lot and stopping him from penetrating because of some unknown fear. Realized I had to overcome this fear. Started going through many websites and forums and saw I'm not alone in this. First stopped trying the intercourse and the did Kegel exercises and along with it, I did putting 1 finger with lots of K-Y jelly in me. feeling the finger inside me, really lowered my scare . Kept going with more fingers in next days. It was so easy and painless. for next step, just but a small vibrator for seeing how I can with an external object not my fingers. It took like five minutes for first time but it went it without pain. I did the muscle contraction thing with vibrator inside me. after two, three time of using this vibrator, my fear was gone. Decided to give a shot to having sex with my partner. Made a romantic afternoon with turned off cellphone,drinking wine and lots of kissing and... we tried it in a position that I was more comfortable. And it worked. Easily he got in to me without any pain.It was a great feeling.

August 5, 2014 - 9:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm always tension guy need medicin

January 11, 2014 - 1:38pm
MellieMel

Hello there,

I am in a serious relationship with a man I truly love and I want to show him my full commitment to him and confidence of our future by becoming one with him. We have been together for two years and had feeling for one another for more then five years now. We have done many things together sexually but we haven't made love yet. We have tried plenty of times before to have sex but every time he is inserting his penis I would feel some pain, then I would soon to panic and ask him to stop(he is very respectful). Also, I am never comfortable where we would try to have sex, I fear of his roommates coming home at any minute (I am a very paranoid person). I feel like the only way to have privacy is to get a hotel room, is it wrong to get a room just to make love? I am a virgin and my boyfriend is not but it does not bother me. Now I am very relaxed before,he does a well job on helping me relax, but when he inserts it then I start to feel pain I would panic and I would become very stressed(not only is stressful for myself but also on my beloved boyfriend). We have talked many hours of this problem and I see clearly that I do have a fear of sex, I want to overcome that fear not only for him but for myself as well. Please help me and thank you.

October 3, 2013 - 3:19am
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