ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

Hello Everybody, I thought this link might be interesting for all of you.

http://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/16vqbl/im_20_and_i_i_ju...

Hello. I am 23 years old and I am still a virgin. I have a boyfriend for five years now and we never had intercourse. At at the start of our relationship, I told him that I want to wait until I am married. I live in a country with traditional values and I was brought up with the idea that sex must come after marriage. He said he would try to wait and in
the meantime we used other ways to connect sexually. (kissing, touching, oral sex) However, as the years went by, I felt that he is the one I want to marry and I felt like it's alright to have sexual intercourse with him. We tried many times and he is able to arouse and
lubricate me very well but each time he tries to insert his penis, I tense up and when I feel the pain increasing, I tell him to stop. And he does. He respects me and I trust him a lot. We kept trying little by little but every time he starts to insert his penis and I feel pain I tell him to stop. I think maybe he just inserts an inch and I tell him to stop.
The pain is NOT excruciating- I cannot describe the pain and I do feel like I can handle more it's just that I'm afraid of something and I don't know what it is. I think I'm afraid of pain.
I do not have any history of sexual or any other forms of abuse when I was young. I also do not have any known medical conditions or reproductive health issues. I've never been to an OB though, because I'm a virgin. I know my boyfriend wants to have intercourse because it's
been five years and he keeps saying he understands and respects me but I also want to make him fully happy. I am lucky that he is very kind and understanding and he helps me little by little but we just never get to have intercourse because I stop him. I feel like this is something psychological. Do you think maybe deep inside me I feel guilty because I am supposed to wait until marriage? Because that is what's expected of me? Do you think maybe I am afraid of unwanted pregnancy?
Now, I just keep telling him I am sorry I can't do it because I am afraid of pain. That's what I feel. I am afraid of pain. I am afraid that it will be painful and I will be sick when I come home and my parents will notice. It sounds weird but I think of that sometimes. I kind of have a low
tolerance for pain too. However, we have done a lot of other "sexual" stuff like oral sex. That's the only "sexual" thing we do. We touch each other and are very comfortable with it. I also get an orgasm every time he touches me or I touch myself or if we do oral.
I am not afraid of sex, or being intimate. I like thinking about it. I like being intimate. In fact, I am comfortable with my own body and I have tried to insert half of one finger in my vagina a couple times and I didn't feel any pain.
What could be my problem? Is it something psychological? I really want to try and have intercourse with my boyfriend. Our relationship recently turned into long-distance, it will be like that for the next two years. So we can't really see each other and try to have intercourse. But when he comes home, I hope we could do something together, something more
effective than how we used to try. How can I explain to him about my fear of pain? He tells me that it will be painful at first but it will be over soon and we are in it together. I am glad he talks to me that way -that we're together in it. After his two-year stay overseas, we plan to move-
in together and I know sex will still be an issue.
Please help me understand myself better. I am in need of answers. Thank you.

Hello everybody!

I have already participated in this topic. I am Hope. I have faced the same intercourse fear issue and have had lived with my husband for 13 months with no intercourse. I had so many psychological illusions and mental problems, and I have suffered greatly from the "idea" of doing intercourse, and so did my husband too. However, I started to take "ownership" for the marriage as it is, and have started to take the idea of intercourse more seriously. I spent months thinking about how to "avoid" intercourse and this was a big waste, so I decided to think about how to "overcome" intercourse fear, and have, eventually started to talk about doing intercourse. Talking with my husband was big step to heal. I started talking about "post" intercourse and how our marriage will be greater, and then, I started to feel that I can do it! My husband and I decided that I take initiation in intercourse, that I make the insertion and that I do it on my own pace. we started by getting both organs closer, and gradually, I started to feel "desire" bigger than "fear" to insert, and after many "small" insertions, we overcome this psychological issue together! For the record, I've visited a gynecologist and she told me that my hymen is very thick, the reason why I couldn't insert. But the truth of my experience says that I was "afraid" and once I get rid of fear, I could do proper intercourse, with no artificial lubricant. I hope that my personal experience could give HOPE to other women and that it helps make their intimate life better. Best to all.
Hope

Hi supa_jb

We don't know anything about your wife or her desires (we don't give tips about sex regarding people we know nothing about) so your best bet is to do couples sex therapy with her and figure this out together. She may also be more comfortable talking with a therapist alone first.

Best,

Susan

Hi,
I have been married for four months and the same problem is occurring with me, except I'm a man. It may seem strange for you ladies to see me write on here but I need help, guidance, and encouragement so my wife doesn't think something is wrong with her. I have been searching several men forums and blogs but none discuss this relevant issue.
My wife and I have foreplay and I am romantic with her. She tells me that she is secure with me. However, when I am trying to insert into her she tightens up and she does not make her natural lubricant. I can barely get in. We visited a obgyn and she inserted a device into my wife larger than my penis into my wife and opened her up. This was to assure my wife that her vagina wasn't too small or that nothing was wrong with her. That slightly helped for a moment and then it was back to non-entry.
At this point, I want to share this sexual experience with my wife but I am more concerned with helping her through this rather than my sexual pleasures. What can I do to help her through this process in the bedroom and outside the bedroom? What are some of the pitfalls that I must avoid? How long has after some of you ladies received advice that you made progress? What are a few of the best things I can do for her right now? Thank you

Hi
I have been married for 10 months... I too hv same problem..I am scared intercourse will hurt me..and i cant believe that penis go into vagina...

sima

I wrote on here awhile ago, but as an anonymous member. I'm the one that had been dating the same guy for four years. I'm still with him today. We finally had sex, but that was three months ago and that was the only time. I thought once we had sex for the first time I would no longer be afraid anymore, but I still am. It hurt me pretty bad and I'm afraid it's going to hurt really bad again. I get so upset with myself because I feel like a loser. I am so lucky that my boyfriend hasn't broken up with me yet, because any other guy would have. I have no idea how to get over this, but I really want to.