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ask: How to remove the fear of pain of first intercourse?

By Anonymous
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i'm newly married but i always keep myself away from being intercourse with my husband. He sometimes angry with me but i'm totally helpless. Whenever we proceed for intercourse but i feel fear of pain and resist him doing intercourse. Please help me so that i can remove this tension and keep my husband happy.

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EmpowHER Guest

As a virgin you will be really "tight" and this can make it uncomfortable . . . but it isnt guaranteed to.

You want to use lots of Lubrication, in addition to "getting wet", and you want to do some lesser penetration leading up to it. If you are averse to using objects or toys then Fingers will have to do, not just sticking them in but also pulling to the sides too. But if you are not averse to using objects . . .

For a week or two before you lay down for the first time, insert objects into it. This doesnt take your virginity since its not actually a male penis. Small objects such as tampons, a toothbrush case, even a small-medium size cucumber. Put a condom on the somewhat larger ones, and just work them in gently and slowly, and use lubrication like K-Y.

The trick here is giving time to adjust, for the vagina to relax, and to know what to expect. You're not going to be able to work on it for 40 minutes with his penis so thats why you use objects. Because you can try multiple times and take as much time as you need. And it will get you familiar and comfortable with something penetrating you down there.

When it comes time to make love and go all the way, there may still be some anxiety involved but it wont be as bad. A warm penis actually feels a little squishier and different than other objects, its hard but the skin and head is flexible, so it does not feel so cold and artificial.

You may also want to "get on top" for your first time rather than have him on top, this way you can guide it in and control it. Being in control of that feels more assuring than laying down and not knowing what to expect.

June 26, 2014 - 2:18pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm 17 and still a virgin. I'm so afraid of having sexual intercores but I can't help myself. Whenever I think about it, I kind of get sick. I do play with myself, but I never slide in me anything. How can I overcome the problem and the fear of having sexual intercores? Please help me, I feel like a loser.

June 17, 2014 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest

I am scared of sex a lot the fears of having a baby hunt me down.

March 5, 2014 - 4:59pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Pregnancy is often a result of having sex but the proper use of birth control can eliminate the risk almost completely (although nothing is a 100% certain). 

Talk to your doctor about birth control options - this is your right to do this. Or make sure your partner uses a condom each and every time you have sex. 

Can you do this?


March 6, 2014 - 12:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've read this whole topic and my fear only got larger...its scary that this fear can last that long and everything so I don't see any help except the knowing that you are not alone. Because I have the same problem with my husband and I think that I have to get drunk or something to do it because I don't have more patience for it, its driving me crazy...is it a bad idea?

January 27, 2014 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm always tension guy need medicin

January 11, 2014 - 1:38pm

Hello there,

I am in a serious relationship with a man I truly love and I want to show him my full commitment to him and confidence of our future by becoming one with him. We have been together for two years and had feeling for one another for more then five years now. We have done many things together sexually but we haven't made love yet. We have tried plenty of times before to have sex but every time he is inserting his penis I would feel some pain, then I would soon to panic and ask him to stop(he is very respectful). Also, I am never comfortable where we would try to have sex, I fear of his roommates coming home at any minute (I am a very paranoid person). I feel like the only way to have privacy is to get a hotel room, is it wrong to get a room just to make love? I am a virgin and my boyfriend is not but it does not bother me. Now I am very relaxed before,he does a well job on helping me relax, but when he inserts it then I start to feel pain I would panic and I would become very stressed(not only is stressful for myself but also on my beloved boyfriend). We have talked many hours of this problem and I see clearly that I do have a fear of sex, I want to overcome that fear not only for him but for myself as well. Please help me and thank you.

October 3, 2013 - 3:19am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to MellieMel)

Hi MellieMel

Thanks for your post!

I think it's a fantastic idea to get a hotel room - nothing wrong with that at all!

You'll be more related and have privacy, something that you probably need.

Groupon have great rates for local hotels - you could order dinner in to cut down on costs, use the hotel's facilities, swim etc. Then have a nice night back at the room.

If I didn't have kids, I'd do this myself!

Give it a shot and let us know how it goes!



October 3, 2013 - 10:35am
MellieMel (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for your response Susan,

I suggested it to my boyfriend and he loved the idea! We will definitely put your advice into good use. And I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again, Mellie

October 3, 2013 - 4:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi there am newly married having trouble with my wife.

Whenever i try for intercourse she has a fear and avoids me which is causing me lot of anger and unable to concentrate on any.Not sure what to do can anyone suggest what can be done .


August 14, 2013 - 5:44am
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