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How should I deal with our sex problems?

By Anonymous September 9, 2010 - 8:33am
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Unfortunatley this will be a bit of the same story of other posts but I want to learn more about how I am dealing with the issue and if there are any better suggestions. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and 10 months and have been living together for the last 7 months. Up until we moved in together we had sex ever day and he was very into pleasing me. Our only issue at that time is that I initiated it more then he did. Since we moved in together our sex life decreased to 3 times a week at most and once every week and a half at the least. I know this isn't as bad as others but I want to fix my situation before it gets there. I can say that I took this hard and possibly dealt with it badly. I would get upset on the third or forth day that we didn't have sex. We wouldn't fight about it at that time but I would give him attitude about other things. I have since been able to get over that and now if we have a fight about anything it leads back to sex. About a month ago almost we had a fight and he brought it up that all my problems stem from our sex life. He also said that he feels pressured to have sex with me so I will be happy. So I decided to not start anything and see how it went. We had sex once a week since then. He has asked me to start stuff but I haven't been because I was trying to see how much he wanted it. He said that he wanted sex more but purposely didn't start it because I was doing the same thing. I have said that I don't want him to just have sex with me to make me happy and if he feels like he is being pressured then how am I suppose to know if he actually wants to have sex when I am starting it? The other problem is that he has seemed to lost his interst in my needs. I still get off sometimes but he now has the tendency to not put any effort into foreplay and will just get up and leave after about a minute when we are done. I have said something to him about this and he says that I should tell him if I want more....why can't he just want to do it? I don't know what to do now. I think that if I go back to trying to start it like before it will end up the same way...me starting it more then him and then getting frustrated again.

This is a weird question to add to this but what if I had a vibrator for the middle times of him not wanting it as much?

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Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for your question and for being a part of the EmpowHER community.
I am not a relationship expert, but I can speak from experience, and it sounds to me like there are two things at play here: a natural tapering off (NTO) in the amount of sex, and a power struggle. The NTO can be a good thing if both are on the same page--it's a good milestone when you realize you're comfortable with your mate. It also can be unsettling, especially when in a situation like yours where obviously you two aren't on the same page (hence the power struggle). When we start relationships, it's all hot and heavy. I know from experience that when you are with someone who wants more frequent encounters, it can be hard to get your mind around it when you later are with someone who doesn't initiate as much. Your relationship is still pretty new to be hitting this point already, but it's I think in large part due (and only natural) when you're living together.
First things first, assuming everything else in your relationship is fine, relax. If there are other issues, you two need to work on those things apart from the sex question, and decide how invested each of you is in this relationship.
Assuming sex is the main problem, I think it takes communication with your partner, and a lot of diligence from both of you. Staying together is hard--it's a lot of work--and those smoldering feelings can go up in smoke if you don't nurture the relationship. Look for other ways to keep your intimacy high, go back to the beginning in terms of what you did back then to woo each other. Text each other messages that you're thinking of them, or give a call during the day to remind them of something funny our touching they said or did. Tell each other what you like--don't expect them to guess. Do things together that interest both of you or support them in something they like, and vice versa. All these things stimulate love feelings in my belief.
Accept that sometimes it may seem like you're doing all the work, but keep your eyes open for other ways that your partner lets you know that you're important to him. These are just suggestions. Yes, a vibrator also may help release some tension for you. It also could help ramp things up for you and your mate! What goes on between you two is your business. Make sure you wash it after every use.
Let us know how else we can help you. Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
Here are a couple articles that may be of interest related to maintaining intimacy:

September 9, 2010 - 11:46am
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