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How to tell bf I want more sex

By Anonymous January 20, 2010 - 5:56pm
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I am 23, he's 34. We've been together 1.5ys. We've always had a lot of sex, if not every day, then at least 5 times a week or something. Well, about 2 months ago it went down to like 3x a week and I started a huge fight (bad idea). I just wanted to tell him that I need him to show me more attention and I connect with him during sex. But anyways, the fight ended with me telling him that. And things have been great, up until 2 wks ago!!!

He is really stressed right now, and he even said that is why. And he got put on new meds that make him sleepy, so that's the reason for like 6 of the nights we haven't had sex.

It's been about 2 wks, and in the first week we had sex like 3x... then this week, it's been once.

So i know it's the stress and the medication. but it's really getting to me. This is how I connect w/ him emotionally...

I don't know how to bring it up to him w/o hurting his feelings or accusing him or whatever, cuz I know this is a sensitive subject for men.

Oh, and btw I still don't get why him being stressed would make him not want sex. I want sex all the time no matter how I feel. The only time I dont want it is when I'm asleep. So yeah, our sex drives are clashing big time right now!

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You do sound stressed and frustrated...I am so sorry!

I am not exactly sure what your question is. You want us to tell you how to "make" your boyfriend have sex with you, upon your demand, because you "need him to show you affection" and you don't think he's attracted to you anymore...when he has told you that he is sorry, he's on new medication and stressed out?

Can you see that this is a very, very unhealthy relationship that you are in? Have you analyzed in yourself why it is that you are demanding sex, wondering why he is not attracted to you anymore (it's been only 7 days?!), and even suggested that he could be accused of something. The only thing I can see him being accused of is being human.

Sex is given a bad rap in our society. Either couples are not doing it enough, or are doing it too much. Men are called all kinds of names if they think about sex too much; they also are called names if they don't think about sex enough, or don't "get it" enough. Men are "supposed" to want sex all the time, be ready for it all the time. This is not how the real world works, and is unfortunately a stereotype that we all receive from numerous sources.

Women, of course, have the same stereotypes. Women who want sex are called certain names; women who do not want sex are called other names. Many women think that if their boyfriend is not meeting the stereotypical standards (initiating sex at every possible opportunity), then it means something:
- they are not attractive any longer
- the guy is cheating on them
- there is something physically wrong with the guy

What if your boyfriend is actually telling you the truth? What if he really, really does not feel good, is stressed, and does not feel like having sex? What if it means he is still attracted to you, can show you affection in other ways, and just needs a physical rest/break? What if all of this is true?

Please know that the sign of a healthy relationship is that of an ebb-and-flow that naturally occurs. There will be times in both of your lives when the frequency, duration and type of physical intimacy is optimal for both of you; other times, it will be a compromise for one-or-the-other. You both are constantly responding to your environment, and may have school/work pressure, family obligations, illness, self-doubt, times when you don't feel sexy, times when you are apart...these are all legitimate reasons for physical intimacy between two partners to ebb-and-flow, and does not mean there is something "wrong" with the other person; it means they are just living and human.

You may see this as an opportunity in disguise, even! It sounds like you may have some work to do on your mental and emotional well-being (we all do!), and can use this time for self-reflection.
- How do you feel attractive as a woman, without depending on another person to "make" you feel this way?
- How do you feel confident as a woman, without depending on another person?
- What role(s) do you play in your current relationship that can help support the other person when they are in need of extra love, care and support (and can not provide it to you)?
- What other activities, outside of the relationship, do you enjoy?

January 21, 2010 - 2:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

ok, it's been like a week (other than the drunk sunday night)... this is starting to piss me off!

i'm getting bitchy and mad at him. i don't wanna say anything, bc other times hes been like "we do have sex, god, it's only been a few days, I'm stressed out sorry." And then i feel like he's only doing it to shut me up.

well i feel like he doesn't want me bc he isn't attracted to me anymore :(

January 21, 2010 - 10:48am
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