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Husband doesn't feel adequate in giving me an orgasm.

By February 27, 2015 - 9:24am
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The other night I caught my husband masturbating. I thought he was having a bad dream so I went into his bedroom to reassure him. What I found him doing was shocking to me because he told me a while ago that he couldn't get erections anymore and we haven't had sex for nearly two years because of that comment. As soon as he saw me in the room, he covered himself up and looked embarrassed. I went up to him and asked him if he was all right. He said he was asleep and I had woken him. No way was he asleep! He continued to deny that he had been masturbating all through the next day, which drove me to fury. Finally he admitted it. I wanted to know what had caused him to masturbate on that occasion. Was it a picture of someone on the tv which had caused him to fantasize or a story in the paper or what? I suddenly felt betrayed as if I was no longer necessary. I decided to talk to him about it and find out the real reason for his lack of interest in having sex with me. He told me when pressed that he felt inadequate because he never got me to orgasm. I don't get an orgasm with vaginal penetration. I've tried for many years but it never works. I have to have clitoral stimulation. It's the only thing that works and when making love it is almost impossible to get into a position where I or he can do that as well as moving in and out. I was annoyed that he had put the monkey on my back, saying that it was my fault that he couldn't make love to me! That hurt. I said there was nothing wrong with me and that the fault was with him. I have nothing against masturbation and do it myself or used to, but when he said he could no longer get an erection, I threw away all my vibrators and put sex in the drawer. Now I feel cheated. After this happened the other day, I felt like going out, getting my hair done, false nails, false eyelashes etc etc just so he would look at me with desire again. What is the point? I'm 63 years old. There is only so much I can do to be attractive. At the end of the day I'll still be 63. I would welcome comments on this because I don't know what to do next.

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I'd also like to add that most women get an orgasm via clitoral stimulation.  I've never personally known a woman who gets an orgasm by intercourse. 

I think your husband is unaware of how a woman's body works.  Porn (I'm not saying he's looking at it!) and movies have taught men that women are screaming in orgasmic pleasure as soon as a man starts having sex with her - not true. 

Have you husband read up about this so he knows how a woman's body works.



February 27, 2015 - 3:30pm
(reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you Susan. I've found him a book called 'She Comes First - the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman'. I'm hoping that will help.

February 28, 2015 - 1:59am

Hello Star181270,

Welcome to the EmpowHER community. I hope you got some relief by venting your feelings.

As we age, our bodies show the signs, things change. I can appreciate that to reach an orgasm, there needs to be specific activities. I can appreciate that your husband feels inadequate.

My advice is to stop the blame game. Your husband was honest with you, eventually. His initial denial regarding masturbation was probably fueled by his embarrassment.

Maybe, the two of you can reach a compromise. Isn't that what marriage is about?

If he can satisfy you as you require, ask him what other "sexual" ways you might engage in to satisfy him.


February 27, 2015 - 10:12am
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