Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest
ask: 

Husband Rarely Has Sex with me, Just caught him masturbating to porn

By Anonymous May 27, 2013 - 12:25pm
 
Rate This

My husband and I have been, happily, together for almost 10 years. Just this month we bought our first house and moved out of the tiny condo we had been renting. My husband enjoys sex, but not with any frequency. He has sex with me maybe 4-5 times a month, which I have just accepted over the years. I'm a once maybe even twice a day kind of girl and my husband knows it, teases me about it and jokes about it. It's not something he isn't aware of. Our sex, when we have it, is very good; I have never told him no (i.e. i have a headache, tired, whatever) and I'm always willing to try ANYTHING he wants to try.

In our new house he has an entire room all to himself. His own 'man cave' for his hobbies and music. A couple days ago as I was unpacking boxes in one room I found something that belonged in the man cave so I brought it into the room and caught him with his shorts down and he was hanging out...when he realized I had come into the room he quickly pulled his shorts back up and I just thought...ehhh must have a ball itch or something. No big deal and completely put it out of my mind.
This morning was different.
I work nights so I sleep during the day normally. He left his cell phone in the bedroom and it rang and woke me up so I picked it up and brought it down stairs to the man cave. Now, I'm also severely nearsighted and didn't bother putting my glasses on but I didn't need them to know what was going on when I walked in. There was porn on his monitor, his shorts were down, he was fondling himself and there was a sock on his desk. He had his earphones on and didn't hear me come in until I set his cell in front of him. Then he jumped and pulled his shorts on and said "Excuse me!" not like...i was in his face but more like... he was sorry...

I quickly left the room and crawled back in bed and just lay there expecting him to come and.... I don't know...Talk to me? Want to finish with me if NOTHING else?! But no. Nothing. I heard him calling back the person who had called and then he went out.

Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep for work tonight. It isn't even so much that I feel cheated ON as I feel CHEATED. I am always wanting and willing and I only get sex 4 times a month and he has the selfish nerve to have sex without me? I stopped attempting to initiate sex between us years ago because I was getting hurt from all the rejection. So I wait for him to initiate. Then he goes and initiates himself without me. Now, if it is about the porn, I may even be willing to watch some occasionally WITH HIM DURING OUR sex... if he talked with me about it if that was something he wanted. I'm so ANGRY right now and less hurt but I am hurt. Why do I only get satisfied 4 times a month and then he can satisfy himself in between?

I'm 8 years younger than him, I'm a good looking woman, in good shape, well groomed, I've got two degrees and I work hard. The angry part of me is thinking "Well if he is allowed to have sex without me, I should be able to find some guy out there who would be willing to satisfy me." That's just the anger talking, I don't WANT anyone else... I just want what is mine ...as often as I can get it. I'm scared to breach the topic with him. I won't probably see him for another day do to my work/sleep schedule and his work, but I'm not even sure how to talk to him about it without just flipping out.

Why not have sex with an open, willing and adventurous partner but instead watch some crappy porn on a tiny monitor? HELP.

Add a Comment28 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am in the same situation. The only difference is that my bf has low libido and gets desire approximately once per week. In the beginning we did it every week once of course but I still saw that he had porn downloaded on his PC, which means that back then maybe due to the novelty of the relationship, he was wanting it twice per week in general - once with me and once with the stupid porn...it wasn't such a problem because I was still getting attention and sex....a year and a half later it was slowly getting less....once per two weeks and since we moved in together once or less per month....he openly says that he masturbates when I ask even though it has been a month since we had sex...he says that he still has desire for me but it is all well knwon for him and he is somehow bored...the thrill is gone ...porn gives him an option to look at something different and imagine something different...I can understand that but it is hurting me that he prefers to masturbate 3 out of4 times every month leaving me feeling undesired and no longer sexually good enough for him....i guess the main problem is the libido mismatch because if he was having high libido wanting it every day or every other day then it would have still been more frequent sex with me even if he masturbated to porn....
I have told him about my feelings but his reaction is that he cant do anything about it when he simply doesnt desire me at these moments ...he could go months wirhout sex and then months with everytime sex with me ...it has been like this in his previous relationship and "it is how he is" ....when the thrill is gone ...he isnt intrressted do to it often....
Other times he simply says that masturbating is alot easier and lazier than actually having sex even though I never put pressure on him for making me orgasm...I just enjoy the penetration and the intimacy...it is still quite presurable for me so I don't know what is so much more work in sex with me....
I am constantly on the edge of breaking up or staying...I know I have no strings attached but only one big - I really love him and he is really good to me in every other aspect...I just don't know if he actually wants me at all sexually and he doesn't give a straight answer...every time says different things .he is bored of me because he knows me and the sex with me...other times he says he simply gets it easier with porn but still has desire for me....once he even said something like he will push himself to have sex with me when we decide to have children...i don't know I feel helpless too....I clearly cannot be somebody new to him so the interest stays...I am willing to stay if he can preserve a regular normal sexual activity where I can feel desired by him ...you are quite lucky compared to a lot other people...

October 22, 2016 - 10:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Spouses who won't have sex with their spouse and who'd rather please themselves with porn have gone delusional without them realizing it.
Sex between husband and wife started out really passionate and satisfying because there ia intimacy and genuine emotions for each other behind the act...but when porn gets in the way, expectations changes.
The spouse into porn unconsciously sets a different standard of sex atleast for himself ...that they no longer enjoy the sex with their spouse with the same intensity, desire and curiosity that they have because of porn.
Porn is porn. It gives you a twisted idea about how sex should be. In reality, only twisted minds are enjoying hardcore banging till your dry and sore type of sex!!!

September 10, 2016 - 9:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Quote:
Spouses who won't have sex with their spouse and who'd rather please themselves with porn have gone delusional without them realizing it.

So what do you have to say about a spouse who refuses any sex with their partner for over 15 years. What is the spouse with desires supposed to do?

September 11, 2016 - 12:20pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You have about three choices.

One is to see if counseling is needed or there is a physical issue that is unknown to you that is causing a lack of sex.

If that's not the case you have two choices (because a partner on the side generally doesn't work)- stay and and accept that this is your life now or end the relationship. These aren't easy decisions to make, to be sure.

Best,
Susan

September 12, 2016 - 12:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

She told me once she had a "tilted uterus" and has continued to use this as an excuse. I have offered millions of times to explore other positions and techniques-- but have always been quickly and firmly refused.

Can't afford to separate, as I am the primary income.

Can't bear to live more without sex.

Have thought about asking if she would accept a three way to learn--that's got a snowball's chance.

How do I relight her pilot light. She just had a physical and I begged her to discuss with her doctor--she didn't Is she more embarrassed about talking about sex or more embarrassed to admit she doesn't have any?

The most painful part is when she giggles at sexual jokes and innuendos on TV and movies.

September 13, 2016 - 7:57am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon

I'm sorry you're going through this - 15 years is a very long time and clearly the marriage is sexless.

I also have a tilted uterus. It means the uterus isn't standing "straight up" but it's not generally serious. It can tilt forward or backward. It rarely has an impact on sex. Some women may feel discomfort but the vast majority of women don't even know they have one until they get pregnant or the doctor mentions it after an exam. Perhaps your wife feels pain?

A lack of sex drive can be caused by a depletion of hormones - that's a common reason but there are supplements that can help. It can also be caused for psychological reasons.

Have you had a really honest talk about not having sex for so long? Has your wife just checked out? It's really hard to know unless she's completely honest about how she feels.

If she has no sex drive and it's biologically based, there is no reason to be embarrassed. Sometimes our body parts stop working! We can work with a doctor to fix that - men do it all the time with ED. We do with with all other organs or emotional feelings but for whatever reason, she has blocked this out of her mind.

Your're stuck in a really hard spot if she won't be honest. I do think you have no shot at a three way and I suspect it would end your marriage. A third party never improves anything.

What was your sex life like before (without intimate details)? Was it regular or was it good when it happened? Has she ever enjoyed sex? Has this change happened during the menopausal period of her life?

Susan

September 13, 2016 - 1:32pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thanks for your reply. Let me try to address your questions. I would really like to see a counselor with her, but I know she would never go.

"perhaps your wife feels pain..." Not sure, the last coupe times she did squirm, but she had used some lubricant on me. When I entered she kept rolling to the side and could not lay flat. There could be something here, but she is unwilling and uninterested in trying other positions than missionary.

"Have you had a really honest talk about..." Simple answer no, but not for the lack of me trying. As soon as I bring something up about wanting to talk about it she gets up and leaves the room--usually without saying anything. Once I brought up the fact that one of her friends, same age, was actively dating and likely having sex--she quickly said her other friends were not. So, obviously she must talk about it with her friends. That's why I thought a three-way with her active friend might push her over the top, but I agree it's a very LONG shot.

"What was your sex life like before (without intimate details)?" I would give it a "C." Before we were married she experimented a little bit. When married, sometimes would watch porn together for foreplay.

"Was it regular or was it good when it happened?" As I mentioned, I was turned a way the second night of our honeymoon. It was never at the frequency I wanted, but at least maybe once a week.

"Has she ever enjoyed sex?" Very early in our relationship, a couple times a year she would enjoy me pleasing her orally which I enjoyed. She stopped letting me do anything "down there" after our first child.

"Has this change happened during the menopausal period of her life?" I was actually waiting for this because I had read this might increase her interest/desire. Bottom line, no sex stayed no sex after menopause.

September 24, 2016 - 1:23pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I honestly don't know what to tell you. She has completely disengaged from you, physically.

Do you have a plan?
Susan

September 26, 2016 - 1:53pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well maybe not totally on topic, but here is my story.

I'm been married to my wife for 40 years. We have not had intercourse for at least 17 years--I've given up trying to keep track. The first time she refused my advances was on the second night of our honeymoon. Frequency dropped from that day forward, despite a rather active lifestyle in various forms of sex prior to marriage.

I stated masturbating daily in my early teens. Parents caught me and told me how wrong it was so changed to do it more, but in better privacy. Marriage comes with "free" sex I thought, so why not?

With no sex at home, every business trip i took I would go to the video store and rent tapes and a player to take back to my hotel room tho "help" me.

I'm 60 years old now and masturbating to porn, probably more than i did as a teen. At my age it takes longer, so have to carefully schedule my private time when she is not around.

Yes, my wife has caught me--about once a year. This results in a big fight about "why do you have to do that?" My response about having urges and desires and wanting to fulfill them with her mean nothing---she just replies, "just stop doing that."

So, am I addicted to porn--maybe. Should I go seek help--maybe, have considered it as it is consuming more and more of my time. Should I stop masturbating--not going to happen. Should I go seek a mistress--way to risky on so many levels. Should I divorce over no sex--not going to happen.

Sex is supposed to be part of marriage; even though I masturbate every day, I long to be with her intimately. Heck, I haven't even seen her fully naked for nearly 20 years despite all my attempts to join her in the shower and other initiations.

I'm open to suggestions.

September 4, 2016 - 7:18pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

The sad thing is, I think that, in one way or another, just about every wife can relate to this situation. My husband and I used to have sex 3-5 times a WEEK. Recently we have been having sex about 3 times a month. Two months ago, we broke a 3 month dry spell with zero sex. In the 15 yrs we have been together and the 7 we've been married, that has NEVER happened. 3 months without sex had my mind thinking all kinds of horrible things. Was he cheating on me? Does he still love me? Am I still attractive to him? What is going on? So finally, I asked him what his problem was. He said he was just tired and when he was interested, I would be sleeping. Ok so he works nights and I works days. He gets home from work and goes straight to his computer, while I work from home, in another room. I have caught him numerous times, masturbating to porn. It makes me sick and pissed off. It does hurt. It feels like he is cheating because he would rather jerk off to some fake porn, than have me. I am 10 yrs younger than he is and, granted I have gained weight since having his 3 children, he never complained about it before. This is just something recent that he's been doing. He swears he isn't interested in anyone else and that he is not cheating, but I don't know if I believe him. To me, a man that is addicted to porn is a sex addict. What is going to stop him for having sex with another woman? And if he is such a sex addict, why not have sex with me? I am at a loss here.

August 26, 2016 - 9:58am
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sex & Relationships

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Sex & Relationships Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!