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Husband Rarely Has Sex with me, Just caught him masturbating to porn

By Anonymous May 27, 2013 - 12:25pm
 
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My husband and I have been, happily, together for almost 10 years. Just this month we bought our first house and moved out of the tiny condo we had been renting. My husband enjoys sex, but not with any frequency. He has sex with me maybe 4-5 times a month, which I have just accepted over the years. I'm a once maybe even twice a day kind of girl and my husband knows it, teases me about it and jokes about it. It's not something he isn't aware of. Our sex, when we have it, is very good; I have never told him no (i.e. i have a headache, tired, whatever) and I'm always willing to try ANYTHING he wants to try.

In our new house he has an entire room all to himself. His own 'man cave' for his hobbies and music. A couple days ago as I was unpacking boxes in one room I found something that belonged in the man cave so I brought it into the room and caught him with his shorts down and he was hanging out...when he realized I had come into the room he quickly pulled his shorts back up and I just thought...ehhh must have a ball itch or something. No big deal and completely put it out of my mind.
This morning was different.
I work nights so I sleep during the day normally. He left his cell phone in the bedroom and it rang and woke me up so I picked it up and brought it down stairs to the man cave. Now, I'm also severely nearsighted and didn't bother putting my glasses on but I didn't need them to know what was going on when I walked in. There was porn on his monitor, his shorts were down, he was fondling himself and there was a sock on his desk. He had his earphones on and didn't hear me come in until I set his cell in front of him. Then he jumped and pulled his shorts on and said "Excuse me!" not like...i was in his face but more like... he was sorry...

I quickly left the room and crawled back in bed and just lay there expecting him to come and.... I don't know...Talk to me? Want to finish with me if NOTHING else?! But no. Nothing. I heard him calling back the person who had called and then he went out.

Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep for work tonight. It isn't even so much that I feel cheated ON as I feel CHEATED. I am always wanting and willing and I only get sex 4 times a month and he has the selfish nerve to have sex without me? I stopped attempting to initiate sex between us years ago because I was getting hurt from all the rejection. So I wait for him to initiate. Then he goes and initiates himself without me. Now, if it is about the porn, I may even be willing to watch some occasionally WITH HIM DURING OUR sex... if he talked with me about it if that was something he wanted. I'm so ANGRY right now and less hurt but I am hurt. Why do I only get satisfied 4 times a month and then he can satisfy himself in between?

I'm 8 years younger than him, I'm a good looking woman, in good shape, well groomed, I've got two degrees and I work hard. The angry part of me is thinking "Well if he is allowed to have sex without me, I should be able to find some guy out there who would be willing to satisfy me." That's just the anger talking, I don't WANT anyone else... I just want what is mine ...as often as I can get it. I'm scared to breach the topic with him. I won't probably see him for another day do to my work/sleep schedule and his work, but I'm not even sure how to talk to him about it without just flipping out.

Why not have sex with an open, willing and adventurous partner but instead watch some crappy porn on a tiny monitor? HELP.

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This is something that I never would have expected from my husband.....and I'm at a loss how to handle it. He's home much of the day. His drinking has increased...we've not had good sex (except for his drunken attempts..that leave me totally frustrated and unsatisfied) in several months or maybe close to a year now.
A few weeks ago, I found a 'clip' of porn that apparently he had been watching...but the file had been removed so I couldn't trace it. I let it go...didn't ask. Last week I had an errand to run and stopped at home to drop off my purchases. I walk into the computer room and see him sitting at the computer nude from the waist down holding his penis...he had a library of videos that he seemed to be browsing through and didn't hear me come in the room. I just said "Well I guess I don't have to ask what you are doing." He was startled and just said, "Nope...What are you doing home?" I was so mortified...I just left.
He calls me hours later, when I didn't come straight home from work and says he doesn't know why I am mad at him..."You didn't see anything and you're mistaken about what you did see". REALLY????
I've tried talking about it, but he clams up and won't discuss it.
Have any of you ladies found a way to deal with this? I'm hurt and I don't know how to get past this...We've been married for 16 yrs and have had many ups and downs..but we always got past it and I truly love him. I'm at a loss..

May 16, 2017 - 8:28am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Well, not the OP, but it is now going on 17.5 years, 8 months since my first Anon reply, and still no intamacy from my wife. So, I actually plan time alone to masturbate to porn every day. If I didn't do that, I would have no sexual release, ever.

She will retire soon and be around the house full time so privacy will certainly be reduced. May have to get a lock for the basement door.

May 11, 2017 - 5:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

So it's been 4 years since Anonymous wrote this. I would love to know what happened? What the outcome was? This story is kinda like what I'm going thru.

May 9, 2017 - 6:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Its not easy being on our side of the fence. What I learned from my husband who is also an addict is that its not their intention to hurt us, its very hard to kick because there becomes an ideal look of a fantasy partner and sometimes they may also try to persuade you into changing your look depending on their likes and dislikes. Its also a touchy subject for men so discussing it is a no no, but as far as I could tell, the upper hand is ours to change our routine/mainstream relationship to fit into their ideals a bit more. I found that my sex life went downhill from the time he witnessed the birth of our first child. They say nothing changes but mentally I have found we are now only baby machines instead of the hot wife they married. I value his honesty so I'm gonna try to work on myself for both of us and see if that works.

February 16, 2017 - 8:32am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

That's a very honest share from you Anon.

Marriages (and sex) change as they move on with time, and while most men don't care about witnessing childbirth (it doesn't change anything) it does change some men.

It's good that you are willing to compromise but don't change into someone you are not, simply to satisfy a porn addict. You'll never satisfy an addict - that's the nature of addiction. Nothing is ever enough.

This is not you having the "upper hand" - it's you pleasing a sex addict by simply pretending you are someone else.

You're doing your best and that's admirable. Marriage takes a ton of compromise on both parts and you are willing to do your part. Is he?

Best,
Susan

February 16, 2017 - 3:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My husband denies masturbating but I always find an icky washcloth in his dirty clothes. He might have sex with me once or twice a year so I'm totally frustrated. So if you are having more often, count yourself lucky.

February 5, 2017 - 8:57pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am in the same situation. The only difference is that my bf has low libido and gets desire approximately once per week. In the beginning we did it every week once of course but I still saw that he had porn downloaded on his PC, which means that back then maybe due to the novelty of the relationship, he was wanting it twice per week in general - once with me and once with the stupid porn...it wasn't such a problem because I was still getting attention and sex....a year and a half later it was slowly getting less....once per two weeks and since we moved in together once or less per month....he openly says that he masturbates when I ask even though it has been a month since we had sex...he says that he still has desire for me but it is all well knwon for him and he is somehow bored...the thrill is gone ...porn gives him an option to look at something different and imagine something different...I can understand that but it is hurting me that he prefers to masturbate 3 out of4 times every month leaving me feeling undesired and no longer sexually good enough for him....i guess the main problem is the libido mismatch because if he was having high libido wanting it every day or every other day then it would have still been more frequent sex with me even if he masturbated to porn....
I have told him about my feelings but his reaction is that he cant do anything about it when he simply doesnt desire me at these moments ...he could go months wirhout sex and then months with everytime sex with me ...it has been like this in his previous relationship and "it is how he is" ....when the thrill is gone ...he isnt intrressted do to it often....
Other times he simply says that masturbating is alot easier and lazier than actually having sex even though I never put pressure on him for making me orgasm...I just enjoy the penetration and the intimacy...it is still quite presurable for me so I don't know what is so much more work in sex with me....
I am constantly on the edge of breaking up or staying...I know I have no strings attached but only one big - I really love him and he is really good to me in every other aspect...I just don't know if he actually wants me at all sexually and he doesn't give a straight answer...every time says different things .he is bored of me because he knows me and the sex with me...other times he says he simply gets it easier with porn but still has desire for me....once he even said something like he will push himself to have sex with me when we decide to have children...i don't know I feel helpless too....I clearly cannot be somebody new to him so the interest stays...I am willing to stay if he can preserve a regular normal sexual activity where I can feel desired by him ...you are quite lucky compared to a lot other people...

October 22, 2016 - 10:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Spouses who won't have sex with their spouse and who'd rather please themselves with porn have gone delusional without them realizing it.
Sex between husband and wife started out really passionate and satisfying because there ia intimacy and genuine emotions for each other behind the act...but when porn gets in the way, expectations changes.
The spouse into porn unconsciously sets a different standard of sex atleast for himself ...that they no longer enjoy the sex with their spouse with the same intensity, desire and curiosity that they have because of porn.
Porn is porn. It gives you a twisted idea about how sex should be. In reality, only twisted minds are enjoying hardcore banging till your dry and sore type of sex!!!

September 10, 2016 - 9:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Quote:
Spouses who won't have sex with their spouse and who'd rather please themselves with porn have gone delusional without them realizing it.

So what do you have to say about a spouse who refuses any sex with their partner for over 15 years. What is the spouse with desires supposed to do?

September 11, 2016 - 12:20pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You have about three choices.

One is to see if counseling is needed or there is a physical issue that is unknown to you that is causing a lack of sex.

If that's not the case you have two choices (because a partner on the side generally doesn't work)- stay and and accept that this is your life now or end the relationship. These aren't easy decisions to make, to be sure.

Best,
Susan

September 12, 2016 - 12:28pm
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