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ask: I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive... Help?

By Anonymous
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I am a 21 year old female with no sex drive. I love my boyfriend, I WANT to be intimate with him, but once the time comes for intercourse, I am dry as a desert downstairs and confused because I know I want him. It is like there is no communication between my brain and my body parts. We've talked this through (because we've both had problems as of late), and both of us have come to the conclusion that we are tired and our diets are different as of late because we are not at home (actually on the other side of the country for a few more weeks). I understand diet can affect sex-drive but my diet has probably improved since being here, but I can admit that I've been pretty tired. Also, in the past month, I started bleeding mid-cycle even though I take the pill consistently. I visited the doctor and everything was normal, and I will start a new pill in a week or two once this cycle is done. I just don't know what to do. We want each other so badly, but I wasn't ready dowstairs when he was definitely ready. What can I do?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi I am 21 years old as well. I have three children. I use to love sex and now i feeled apauled by it. I feel horrible because i love my boyfriend of three years now. I really want to be able to have enjoyable innercourse with him, but i feel discusted by even just the word sex. I am very attracted to him. But i just dont want to be touched at all. And when we do have sex it hurts really bad.. But all in all i jist have no desire.. I really wish i did though. Someone please help..

February 20, 2015 - 1:21am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You need to see a doctor. Your pain and discomfort may be affecting your sex drive.  I think you need a physical examination but also perhaps a therapist, to uncover the physical and emotional reasons why this is happening. Read more here: 


Please keep us updated and we wish you the best,


February 20, 2015 - 6:57am
EmpowHER Guest

I too am 21 years old and have the same problem. I have NO sex drive whatsoever. I have been in a committed relationship for almost 5 years now and we have a 2 year old son. I am still very much attracted to him, but I have no desire for sex. He understands that things are different now but sometimes his feeling get hurt because he feels as if I don't love him or that I'm not attracted to him. Sex is very painful and my period is very painful. I have read into endometriosis, but it says that infertility goes along with that and since I have a child Im not sure if that's what's wrong. Does anyone have any suggestions?

February 12, 2015 - 9:57pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You need to see a doctor. Your pain and discomfort may be affecting your sex drive.  Many women with endo do have children (it's not always easy) but I do think you need a physical examination. 

Read more here: 


Please keep us updated and we wish you the best,


February 13, 2015 - 6:15am
EmpowHER Guest

Please help me. I've tried to talk to my friends, but it comes off as a big joke. I'm 21 years old. My boyfriend of about a year now is 24. We have an amazing relationship. When we first engaged in sex, we couldn't get enough of each other. We would do it three-five times a day. Work and school would get very time consuming and as we both became busy the sex slowed down. Neither of us were upset though. We still made time once or twice a week or whenever we could. Now here we are almost a year later, and I have zero interest in the bedroom. Last month, we had intercourse twice. Once being a special occasion that I made as short as possible because I wasn't interested. I love him! I love cuddling and kissing him. I just am never turned on anymore. And that's never been an issue for me. I have been on the same birth control for 4-5 years & we do spend a lot of time together..but I feel the problem is much more severe than I want to believe. I'm embarrassed to go to the doctor because I am from a small town and everyone would find out. If anyone has any insight into what the problem could be, please help! My boyfriend has cried thinking he isn't good enough for me, which isn't the case and it breaks my heart. I need an answer. Please.

December 17, 2014 - 10:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hey Hun you are obviously both working a lot which is understandable if been in the same position as you what I think you should do what has helped me is when u are intimate slow it down to kissing and talking to each other whilst your doing it about how the other person makes you feel communication is key. Try extending foreplay for as long as you can .

January 22, 2015 - 2:01pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You do need to talk to someone about this. 

Small town or not, your medical team has no right to talk about your health issues - in fact, it's against the law. 

So please make an appointment to talk to someone - you may need to health tests to make sure you're ok. 



January 9, 2015 - 5:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have the same problem, I'm 21 year old female and I'm head over heels for my boyfriend. And like most men he wants to have sex all the time. I do not, hardly ever do I want to and I don't understand it I was never like that 2 years ago but all of a sudden it was gone. I read that it could be mybirth control but iI've been on the same one since I was maybe 18 so I don't know... it's very depressing though. Any help would be great

October 29, 2014 - 8:04pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,


I am 22 years old and my boyfriend is 25 years old. So my boyfriend LOVES sex lives, breaths and sleeps sex. We've been together 3 years. In his perfect world he'd have sex 3 times a day breakfast, lunch and dinner at least 5 days a week! Now as you may imagine I AM NOT A MACHINE!!! I on the other hand have a very low sex drive and I am turned on emotionally, If I feel good on the inside I can show it physically. This is something that my boyfriend does not understand at all. He says that sex has nothing to do with my emotional needs and that I am "selfish" and "stubborn" and depriving him of his "boyfriend" rights.

So with all this in mind I try twice a day at least 2 days a week. He still complains!!! The sex for me is now more like washing the dishes or hoovering, its not enjoyable as I MUST do it else there will be no peace in the house. I literally feel like am being RAPPED some of the time. In my perfect world I would like sex once or twice a week. I love my boyfriend and believe he loves me too hence why I have put up with all this. How can I make him see that there is more to the relationship than just sex? I wish he put in as much effort in the rest of our relationship as he does sex. He also says that I should be grateful he hasn't cheated on me as I am not meeting his needs according to his specifications.

He also has the idea that all other couples out there live, breath and eat sex so there's definitely something wrong with me. Is this the case? or Am I a mug?


June 15, 2012 - 9:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hey there,
I know this post may be a little old but I was in a situation similar to yours with someone who used me to fulfill selfish sexual pleasure I wasn't comfortable with fulfilling.
Honestly though, I do hope you found someone you can be more mentally and emotionally attached to. It actually aggravates me a bit to hear that he said YOU should be lucky he hadn't cheated on you. That's a pig for you. I'm an equalist and I admit comfortably that I have a low sex drive. I rarely have sex but when I do it's usually very passionate and sometimes goofy. I'm with someone who feels the same way as I do about sex. I love my boyfriend for who he is and his personality is much more attractive than his body ( not that he isn't attractive).
It's really about understanding and a connection that makes you feel emotionally well. Your emotions matter and no douche bag with a rodents sex drive should make you feel any different.
You're a person who matters and not some object to abuse.
That's exactly what that is, emotional and verbal abuse.
Love is out there for you, unfortunately it's not with this guy. He simply isn't mature enough for you. Never give up and please never allow someone to make you feel like something is wrong with you because of your low sex drive, unless there is real concern involved.
I wish you and your heart well.

March 21, 2015 - 10:37pm
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