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I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
 
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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

as a male , doesn't seem normal for men to decline sex right ? wrong ! .
i've dated a woman for 10 long years , not once offered or ask for sexual intercourse .
when we meet she had a child a son , as a new life partner to her , i keep my distance and try to help her with her child ,sort of a father figure i help raise her son into a young fine man .

sex isn't everything needed . sometimes need to take a step back and really look at the close picture .

November 13, 2016 - 8:03am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I don't think you're dating her, you're probably just a good friend and helping out with her son. These women are in actual romantic relationship. A 10 year romantic relationship with no sex is just a friendship.

Best,
Susan

December 23, 2016 - 8:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am having a similar issue. I haven't been able to have sex in over a month. He lives with me and every time I try to initiate sex he says I need to chill because he is too tired. I've noticed that he masturbates every morning before he showers and he tries to keep it private. He doesn't know that I am aware he does this yet and it makes me feel horrible every morning for the last week. I love him so much and I get scared to talk to him about this but I feel like I cannot continue to sleep next to someone who doesn't want to touch me because he's always too tired. He doesn't even cuddle with me. We are in our early 30's and I have an hour glass figure still so I know he finds me attractive. The point is I think it may be Erectile Dysfunction. I looked it up this morning. Although this talk I want to have with him may break us up because he doesn't express himself emotionally (that's my opinion) I have to let him know I think he has ED and I'm ok with that if he can look into fixing the problem. I love him so much but if he cannot talk to me about our relationship that I have to let him go. I'm hurting with him right now and I imagine being in more pain without him :(.

September 24, 2016 - 9:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I went through a similar thing recently. Wasn't having sex for about a month even though everything was great. We were together for 8 yrs and lived together (still do, waiting for him to move out at the end of the month) then he send me a text out of the blue stating he didn't find me sexually attracted and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I find it strange that he is willing to throw it all away... I'm still confused and hurt.

April 18, 2016 - 12:29pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry this happened to you. Relationships end for many reasons, including the disintegration of sexual attraction. I wish he hadn't done this by test - not very brave or considerate of him.

Best,
Susan

May 2, 2016 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend is the same way. He's 22 years old and is a middle school teacher (he got the job while still in college). He's currently buying a house. I can't figure out what the issue is. He has the world in the palm of his hand. We hooked up in college before we were together but now that we are together he doesn't seem as attracted to me. I had a son almost a year ago with my ex that I placed up for adoption and him and I started dating after that and I'm afraid that that's why he is t as attracted to me. It's heartbreaking. This is the man I plan on marrying g and he just doesn't seem into me anymore sexually.

March 6, 2016 - 8:49pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You need to talk to him. Don't even consider marriage until you work this out.
Good luck,
Susan

March 7, 2016 - 3:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been with my bf for less than a year. Started staying in with him after 8 mths. Initially, our sex life was great when he had to come to my place to see me and I couldn't stay over at his place every night. After I had moved in with him, things changed drastically. He is no longer aroused when he's with me, not like before. I'm hurt and I tried understanding why. 95% of the times I have to initiate sex. Is he no longer interested in me or is he just too stressed at work?

February 6, 2016 - 7:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm in a really similar situation and have been trying to figure out what's wrong. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. He says he loves me and is very attracted to me, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world etc. but his actions don't line up. He is really affectionate and is always kissing and touching me, but never in a more sexual way. If I try to start making out and touch his body more suggestively he will pull away and start doing something else as if he didn't get what I was implying. He never looks at me with desire when I'm naked, he laughs or shrugs it off if I send him flirty texts or sexy pictures. He's really awkward and doesn't seem to understand my usually very obvious attempts to turn him on, or maybe he's just pretending so we don't have to have sex. Sometimes I have to come out and say the words, and then he'll usually act annoyed like it's a bother and say he's too tired or has a headache, all the usual excuses. It makes me feel so unsexy and unwanted, and the thing is it's been this way since the beginning! But when we do have sex it IS great, he always comes and seems to enjoy it, and he takes care of me and makes sure I am satisfied too. We have talked about it and I almost broke up with him over it and now he is trying to make an effort to have more sex. But that doesn't feel good either because I want him to naturally be turned on my me, not to have to "try"!! So now when we have sex I feel like he is just doing it out of pity or whatever, which doesn't get ME turned on. He says the words and tries to start foreplay but I just don't believe that he is actually sexually attracted. What is the problem?! Are we just mismatched, does he have a low libido, is he maybe even asexual?! It makes me really frustrated :(

January 21, 2016 - 6:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have personally gone through the same thing over and over. My suspended fiancé and I started off hot and heavy then in under a month sex dropped off to 1-2 a month. He would flirt and grope and leave with no interest in sex several times a day and ignore me when I would wear lingerie. He would brush me off when I initiated and would say "I had a doughnut" when he wouldn't have an erection. When he did initiate it was like doing laundry, no passion just a chore. I am a very fit 38-21-38 with transparent skin, maridah'a hair, and a good face(did modeling). He was having some ED issues which is fine, then I found out that although I have the shape he likes everything else about me is not his preference. He would fantasize about other women every time he was with me and began masterbaitimg to porn 3x a day when his fantasies started to run out. Here is the thing, if a man is using the fantasy part of his brain (watching porn is there too)and rewarding himself with strong chemical reactions that part of his brain is what triggers his sexual desire, not physical people because he hasn't worked out that brain muscle. Men, regardless of what they say place themselves in the scene with the woman, it is scientifically proven. It is more about emotional escape, intimacy avoidance and long term habits. By doing this they do not build healthy emotional bonds with their real partner, are less attracted to them, objectify women, feel sexually inadequate while engaging in physical sexual activity, and suffer from porn induced ED, which can happen with fantasy masterbaition as well. My ex-husband used porn, his genre escalated (which is common) and he became sexually violent with me. My ex-fiancé became addicted (also common) and is now on sexual detox from his therapist. He has intimacy issues from his parents and was sexually abused by his ex-wife, who criticized his performance and his penis. Although he loves me and thinks I'm attractive he admits that he finds curvy Hispanic women very attractive and his actions were separate from me. He also thought that he was being a good partner. He knows now by engaging in selfish pleasure, neglecting my needs, projecting, and judging me he was not. Most importantly he now sees that criticizing any part of a female is equivalent to having his penis criticized. He is getting the physiological help he needs for his past and for his addiction habits, and learning how to deal with depression and stress in a more healthy way. I have moments that I understand it has nothing to do with me, in those moments I am firm and say "This is your issue and if I'm the person you want to be with then you need to take care of it before you even consider coming this way. I refuse to live the rest of my life feeling unloved by someone I adore who should hold me just as high, it is unfair to everyone." On my bad days I have a list of all the medical procedures, workouts, and cosmetic things I need to do to be noticed, loved and desired. I realize this can be very damaging, can last the rest of my life, I might never feel secure, but I know I'll have good days too, and I love his so very much even through all the pain. I hope this gives insight.

March 9, 2017 - 9:55am
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