Female Sexual Dysfunction

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Rosa Cabrera RN

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ask: I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest

Same with my bf...
And trust me, it's probably not you, it's likely him.
Does he watch a lot of porn? Because he's probably wanking it everyday and he's got nothing "left" for you. That would explain him not getting hard, or him being "too tired".
Not sure if watches a lot of porn? Does he take long showers? Does he stay up late at night? What's his behavoir like?

March 27, 2015 - 8:25am
EmpowHER Guest

Well I have had the same issue for 2 years now. We have had sex three times in 2 years. I have fought, cried, hurt and been at the point of disppear.
We are at the point where I have just gone numb from all the hurt and fighting to keep my self esteem up.
Our relationship is not in a good place. I started flirting with a complete stranger on social media a few months ago. I was lonely and wanted the attention to be honest. What I saw was harmless, might be the nail in the coffin in our relationship. He read the messages, scowled through my emails one day. Even thou what I had said was just flattery in reply and nature, I have broken his trust.
Our relationship breakdown seems now to be my fault, though I feel his contribution has come from the years on constant rejection and excuses of why we shouldn't have sex.
You can love someone, but sometimes love is not enough. He says he loves me, but I have always doubted his words due to the lack of intimacy and desire in our relationship.
Now he doubts my love for him, due to my resulting actions.
Try to talk it out, even show him my message to allow him to see, that eventually we all need someone's attention, innocent or not.
I wanted it with my partner, but it is just something I dont believe that I will ever be able to have. So now I too have been reassessing whether this relationship is something that I want for the rest of my life.
You can't change someone's desire for you, so eventually you need to make a choice of what will make you happy in the end.
For me.... I need both love and a deep connection of intimacy with the one I share my life with...
The hard part is letting go of what little of it I actually have.


March 15, 2015 - 11:58pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am having the same problem with my boyfriend. Only difference is I am 19 and he is 24. It all started out great, and over the one year that we have been together (my longest and most serious relationship) things have been changing. We used to make love every time we had an hour or two to ourselves, then it was a few times a week (normal), then it was down to once or twice a month. I moved in with him 6 or so months ago and our sex life went down from there. Then, a week before Valentines day, we had the best sex I've ever had, and then it stopped. A several weeks ago we were a few minutes in and he told he didn't even care if he ejaculated. It bothers me and makes we feel ugly. He's been turning me down for a few weeks and I know that he masturbates 4 out of 7 days a week because I looked on him computer (I thought he was cheating). He enjoys seeing me naked, if he wakes up while I'm getting dressed in the morning he'll watch me and smile, and then I'll leave for my classes. And instead of me coming home to an aroused smile, I come to him laptop full of porn. I love this guy and this is our only problem. We are talking about getting married in a few years but I don't want a sex-less marriage. HELP!

February 24, 2015 - 6:17pm
EmpowHER Guest

It gives me courage to know that other women have been going through the same thing as me! I thought it was only me. Being rejected sexually can break a woman down in ways that are unthinkable. Feb 2014 i started dating a guy that was 32 years old. A decade older than me. Our relationship was great at first, very passionate. We use to kiss each other passionately each time we spent together and he kept begging me to make love to me. I told him that i was a virgin and he told me that this fact made him respect and love me more. The very first we tried to have sex, he got an erection for two minutes and went down. He still tried to penetrate me but it kept coming off because first, he wasn't hard, second, i was a virgin.It's like he got dissapointed after seeing me naked, like it wasn't what he expected. i felt very sad but i thought maybe it was him, not me. A second time, same thing, he couldn't get an erection. It made me feel really bad because he was the very first and only guy that i finally accepted to give my body to. In all my pass relationship, I had been very strict about keeping my virginity. but despite that, i decided to keep going with because i didn't want to break up with for failing just twice. But About five times, we tried, same thing. Hekept telling it's because he drinks too much, it'ssomething that he controls, it's because he doesn't want to yet... I felt ashamed, unattractive, especiallybecause i was always insecure about having extremly small breast and a thin body. However , i could never state out loud and admit that he wasn't sexually attracted to me which was the truth. I broke up with him, november on my birthday. i have been dating a man that lovevery much since a month now. We haven't got the point of trying to havesex, he hasn't seen me naked. He tells meall the time that he wants to make love to me but wehaven't hadthe chance yet. i'm suffering because i'm very scared that once he sees me naked, the same thing is going to happen. I try to be honest with him and tell him i'm likely flat chested but i wear bras that make my breast look like normal size. He tells me he loves me for me, that's not all that counts. But i'mstill very afraid andanxious thinking that the same thing will happen, and i will once againg find myself in a relationship with no sexual life. i desire this man so much. i'm very attracted to him. Any advice?

January 19, 2015 - 12:08am
EmpowHER Guest

All these comments about the guy possibly being gay are off the mark.

There is a chemical thing that happens where a woman catches a man sexually, in his heart and soul and body. If it's not there, sex is friendly, warm, nice to be together, but that sort of sex fizzles quickly.

It is very difficult to say, "I'm sorry but you really don't do it for me. I like you, you are a great person, but whether it's chemicals that wore off or something else, I'm really not that explosively into you sexually.

You could blame it on "I'm too fat, I'm too thin" or whatever else you may think it could be but it comes down to animal chemicals. Once that's gone, you are a sister to him.

I couldn't keep my hands off my ex-wife for 11 years. No matter what else was going on, I was a slave to her beauty and her lovely body. We broke up over other matters and the next girlfriend I got, same thing - just explosive between us sexually. We fought like crazy, too, but always, always, that throbbing, sexual energy was there between us.

Honey, he's just not into you anymore.

December 18, 2014 - 1:58pm
EmpowHER Guest

i been having the same problem for the past 3 months ... most of the time hes tired to have sex or when im feeling the need for love and sex he just shoot me down telling me ( ohh baby im going to bed ) but then i see him online looking for a 3rd wish i this point in my life i dont have a problem ... he tells me im sexy and all that ... but i just dont feel it ... dont know what to do ... i think it will be time for me to move on ... but i just dont want to make the mistake of doing this and then regret it ....

March 28, 2012 - 6:36pm
EmpowHER Guest

Thanks for your reply. Actually, he broke up with me a week ago and left the state. Sure didn't see that coming!!!

August 13, 2009 - 4:57am

HI there! The same thing has been happening to me. My guy is 31 and I am 38. It is sooo frustrating with the whole erection thing. And it's hard to feel like it's not you and it's even harder not to say anyhting at al- like what the hell? I know men don't like to be pressured but it's easy for us to feel insecure when our man can't get an erection. I know with my b-f, he is a very anxious person with a bazillion things on his mind and he finds it hard to relax. I have been trying to spend more time doing things I enjoy, like going to the gym, the bookstore, or a bike ride- anything so he can have time to himself. A friend of mine thought that we were prob spending too much time together, and that us doing our own independent things would help improve things. He has been more affectionate since, but not too much different in the sex dept.. Doing things on my own though has helped me to feel more independent and good about myself. That helps so much. Maybe your man has a lot on his mind with finances, a baby, an upcoming wedding/proposal and he just isn't thinking love and intimacy. I'm sure he will come around soon. Women and men are so different when it comes to emotions. Good luck!

August 12, 2009 - 9:42pm
EmpowHER Guest

Things may change when he starts working. I am sorry that you feel so bad. I know what it's like to feel rejected sexually. But just know that you ARE desirable and beautiful and it is HE who is going through something.
I think that you both need to figure this all out before marriage or anything that serious as it won't fix itself automatically. Having a child won't fix things either.
I would try and talk to him about how you feel. Explain that you love him but you need to understand why he rejects you sexually so often and that it makes you feel bad. Then maybe try and come up with a solution, like therapy. The more stressed he becomes, the more difficult it is for him to get aroused. it's like a vicious circle. I am sure that you are not putting pressure on him but maybe for a week or two, try not to think about sex and let him make any move so he doeasn't feel pressure. I tried this with my boyfriend when he was having troubles. Go to bed and read or something where he feels less pressure so more likely to take a chance on having sex. Try reading those books too. I have a sneaking suspicion that when he starts working things will improve, but if not, then maybe try to talk to him about seeing someone. Good luck.

July 23, 2009 - 10:24am
EmpowHER Guest

He may feel emasculated as you are taking care of both of you financially. Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" or "Mars and Venus on a date". I found these books very helpful in understanding what men want and how they differ from us. Men really are less sexual when they feel less manly, for example when they are not the breadwinner. Is he looking for work or studying? I am sure that you will have others responding to your concerns tomorrow...this is a very helpful site!

July 23, 2009 - 12:03am
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