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I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
 
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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

PORN! That's what it is. Read my long comment. So you can understand. Check their Gmail accounts. Activity under account and privacy. The three little bars next to the Gmail browser. Hope you find out. Let me know. If not it's another woman. Mine was PORN. They masturbate and can't function. The more they watch and do it the less they can perform.

September 14, 2017 - 8:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Is there a way to see what has been looked at under incognito mode? Otherwise it is wiped clean or and most likely he is using incognito. Thanks.

September 23, 2017 - 12:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have been married to my husband 20 yrs on and off we had many fights and arguments through out. Out of all that time , twice we broke up for two whole years and one of those two times I even divorced him. Now we've been remarried for 4 yrs. The main problem in our 20 yr relationship has been his addictions, his lies, twice he left and I didn't hear from him for a month then fit two months, stealing,etc. To summarize he started off as a heroin addict. I went through hell because I didn't know but I loved him so much. After 3 yrs I couldn't do it anymore so we broke up. Then he took up alcoholism and that one is still a problem. I divorced him for two years and we both did our own thing. He had other partners but was drinking even more and would still not leave me alone. I had other partners and hated him for a long time. We finally decided to get back together because besides all we had a son together and financially he always took care of us. He was never the type to come home high or drunk and start fights, hit on me or anything like that , he's always acted interested in me sexually and he hasn't had problems getting it up,so I tried dealing with him. For a few years now since 2014-2017 I started going to church and I started changing the way I dressed, didn't wear makeup, gained weight, and was always into Godly things. Removing from my life and home anything sinful. I've been very strict about what is allowed to be watched or listened to. Especially anything with any nudeness on TV ,etc. My husband and son were going also but not that into it. To make this short after about 2 years of noticing he didn't look for me physically, didn't want to spend time with me, always making excuses, still drinking, and not looking at me much, always saying he's tired, waiting till I go to bed to then go straight to sleep, me calling him to come to bed but he would just stay in the living room and not really answering me, and even while in bed I would ask him why he didn't hug, kissed or touched me unless I started something he wouldn't really answer or have a reason. He would just act like he didn't hear me. I kept voicing how I felt, lonely, rejected, unloved on top of being in pain daily from fibromyalgia and back issues, which I could see he hated and he would always tell me he didn't mind that he understood but I would see different in his facial reactions. Basically I could tell that yes he loved me but didn't really like me or find me sexy anymore. In that area I don't blame him cause I did gain about 50lbs, from 130 to 150 my usual weight and I'm 5'5 to 199 lbs...I felt and looked old. Everyone in my family would tell me. I was disgusted with myself and didn't even want pics taken. I finally started taken a medication, started exercising(pain and all) and I started losing weight and feeling better. I started dressing cuter, wearing makeup at times and he started looking at me again and even pinning me to a wall once not too long ago. I was shocked but he would still not come to bed and he would wake up in the middle of the night every night while I was sleeping. I would check his phone but i never found anything cause he always deleted everything. He hated me searching his phone but would say,"Go ahead ,I have nothing to hide! You can check all you want!" And I did randomly. He would still like about the drinking, hide bottles, steal money he gave me for bills, for the drinking and one day I looked deeper into his phone and finally found out, IT WAS PORN! I went crazy, cried, felt cheated on, kicked him out, and just couldn't deal with it. He came back swearing it only happened that once. He kept promising it will never ever happen again that he was very ashamed, blah,blah,blah. Meanwhile still lying! I looked deeper into his Gmail account in his activity settings which tell you everything! Guess he didn't know about that. HE WAS WATCHING PORN FOR 2 WHOLE YEARS!!!! The nastiest videos you could imagine. Young women who looked like teenagers, anal sex, oral and just everything perverted between partners,etc. I confronted him and kept digging it out of him, read about other people's issues with this and they're all the same story basically. They get used to the PORN and they become emotionally detached and unless you catch it early they can lose their erection. It all comes from masturbating so much. He watched these three and four times a day and told me he did this but not to Everytime he watched. Supposedly! He's going to start counseling. I took his phone away, he got another one and I took that one too while he wasn't looking. He swears he wants to be with me and loves me and that he's always been attracted to me that it's not me. I've noticed he just likes to look at the details of our sexual moments, I've become more sexual with him (because I barely ever wanted to do anything with him, in all seriousness), I talk with him and asked him to tell me what he wants when it comes to that and i initialize it at times too. (It's not our fault they do these things but as married woman we need to remember what made us attracted to each other in the beginning. What has changed? What can we do for ourselves to look and feel good about ourselves and not have a low self esteem because a low self esteem is worse than a little bit of fat or not being beautiful. Confidence is #1! Trust me! When we act too needy, or too dependent they get turned off. Most of those women on PORN sites were not that pretty, they're all stretched out and have fake implants and lots of makeup and their bodies were not that great but the confidence they portray and sexiness they present to our men weather it's facial expression, clothing they wear while with the guy and boldness in showing off their bodies and not feeling embarrassed is what I saw that was more interesting to them.) My advice is take care of you. You doing have to be a PORN start either just take care of your body, work at it a little, show confidence and be a good intelligent woman. Educate yourself and if he's cheating. Let him go!

September 14, 2017 - 7:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have been on both sides of this problem with my ex and current boyfriend. My ex and I were together for almost 10 years. We had a lot of issues early on that cut off my attraction to him (I.e. secretly texting his ex about seeing her when he returned to his home state, messaging girls off the casual encounters on CRAIGSLIST, having pictures of his ex still on his computer) all of those things broke my trust in him and therefore, I felt gross when he would try to touch me. I felt cheap. I would always make excuses to not have sex with him. Despite all my attempts at breaking up with him and withdrawing sex, he refused to leave! I began to hate him. Even though I wasn't sexually attracted, I still thought he was attractive. Eventually it took me moving out for him to finally want to break up. Had my ex never done things to break my trust in him, we probably would have had sex every morning. With my current boyfriend, we had sex all the time. 2-3 times a night. But 2 years in and our anniversary fell between a 2 month dry spell. I know he masturbates but when we do have sex, he can't stay hard. He says he starts thinking too much but it hurts to think he's thinking about how unattractive he finds me and it kills it for him. I tell him that I am his and he can have me any time any where, whatever he wants to do to me. I guess not being intimate is what he wants. The fact that I have to bring it up is embarrassing. Its like begging my lover to want me. But what my ex and current have in common is they would never say I was beautiful or attractive. I know I'm not and not expecting the "you're so hot or most beautiful" but at least tell me I'm pretty to you, at least make me feel attractive. I always tell my current that he's handsome or looking cute today but he never says anything about me, even if I feel super pretty and took time to look nice, he never says anything. Hes a good man and hasn't done anything to betray my trust in him but I feel like he's only with me for the sake of not being alone :(

September 2, 2017 - 6:37am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm having the same kind of issue. Im 19, and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together for a little over a year. Our sex life was amazing for the first couple months, then it slowed doen and now it seems we haven't had sex in two months. I've tried everything... new lingerie, oral all the time randomly, compliments all the time, just touching him in a seductive way, kissing him, trying to have sex in new places or the usual, nothing works. He says he's always to tired. I'm afraid he's not attracted to me anymore. He never looks at me with desire despite what new sexy panties or bra I buy, or even completely naked. He says he is but never shows it. Its very crushing to my self esteem, because I once believed I was hot.. but now I'm not so sure. I don't know what to do.

May 13, 2017 - 8:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 1 yr. At the begining our sex life was amazing, we didnt live together but when he slept over we had sex 2-3 times in a row. He is very outgoing and makes it seem like he's very sexual, he likes to talk a big game around people, I don't talk; I do! Since about 6 months ago our sex life has been horrible. He doesn't want to have sex, when I confronted him about it he said he was having ED issues and he felt bad, that he is very attracted to me but feels like less of a man because he can't get an erection. He is a sweet, caring, all around amazing boyfriend, he treats me like a queen, but our sex life is dead! I asked him to go to a doctor and he says he will but he never does anything about it and i dont want to push him because i dont want to make him feel worse. But as each day goes by i feel worse and worse about myself, I mean come on....no foreplay, no anything, he doesnt even let me do anything to him. There is no desire in him to initiate anything and that makes me feel worse. 1 week ago i bought him a supplement for ED and he sad he feels like it's working because he got an erection in the car yesterday thinking of me, but today i jumped in shower with him and nothing....i was aroused by just seeing him naked but to him i might as well not have been there. He tells me he is attracted to me and that i am beautiful and sexy but his actions tell me the complete opposite and it only gets worse as each day goes by. I love my boyfriend with my life and i will do anything for him, this is the man i want to marry and have a family with...but i dont know what to do to fix this...at this point I AM DESPERATE. We shouldnt be going through this, he is in his 20s and I am 30 thats why i cant help but think it is Me and not ED.

May 9, 2017 - 9:04am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

as a male , doesn't seem normal for men to decline sex right ? wrong ! .
i've dated a woman for 10 long years , not once offered or ask for sexual intercourse .
when we meet she had a child a son , as a new life partner to her , i keep my distance and try to help her with her child ,sort of a father figure i help raise her son into a young fine man .

sex isn't everything needed . sometimes need to take a step back and really look at the close picture .

November 13, 2016 - 8:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am having a similar issue. I haven't been able to have sex in over a month. He lives with me and every time I try to initiate sex he says I need to chill because he is too tired. I've noticed that he masturbates every morning before he showers and he tries to keep it private. He doesn't know that I am aware he does this yet and it makes me feel horrible every morning for the last week. I love him so much and I get scared to talk to him about this but I feel like I cannot continue to sleep next to someone who doesn't want to touch me because he's always too tired. He doesn't even cuddle with me. We are in our early 30's and I have an hour glass figure still so I know he finds me attractive. The point is I think it may be Erectile Dysfunction. I looked it up this morning. Although this talk I want to have with him may break us up because he doesn't express himself emotionally (that's my opinion) I have to let him know I think he has ED and I'm ok with that if he can look into fixing the problem. I love him so much but if he cannot talk to me about our relationship that I have to let him go. I'm hurting with him right now and I imagine being in more pain without him :(.

September 24, 2016 - 9:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I went through a similar thing recently. Wasn't having sex for about a month even though everything was great. We were together for 8 yrs and lived together (still do, waiting for him to move out at the end of the month) then he send me a text out of the blue stating he didn't find me sexually attracted and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I find it strange that he is willing to throw it all away... I'm still confused and hurt.

April 18, 2016 - 12:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Out of the blue for you, possibly. However, he's been thinking about it for a long time. I'm 17 years in and it's all that's been on my mind for the past 2 years.
I love our life, I 100% hate her lack of sensuality and desire to fulfill my needs.
We have a child. I'm in it until we've raised a strong, confident, and independent person... Cannot say for sure what'll happen after that, but my requests aren't unreasonable, and I really feel like it's all her undoing.

April 26, 2017 - 9:37am
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