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I am not sure my boyfriend is attracted to me. Please help!!!

By July 22, 2009 - 11:05pm
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My boyrfriend and I have been together for just a little over 10 months now. We are both divorced and in our very early 30's. Our relationship, for the most part, has been wonderful. We do everything together and talk about everything...we have no secrets from eachother. We have arguments like anyone else but I wouldn't say they are very bad. We have been talking about marriage and having a child together for the last couple months (he brought it up) and I think he is going to propose soon. (I overheard him talking about the ring.) However, our sex life has been the exception to everything else in our relationship. I love making love with him but he acts like he really doesn't care about it. For example, we are both in bed relaxed and i start kissing on him, he will make up an excuse as to why he doesn't want to make love with me, ie im too tired, have bladder infection, headache, stressed etc. It is never about getting in the mood, the idea is cut off right from the start. We had not made love for about 3 weeks and when we tried, he couldn't get an erection. No big deal, we cuddled and I assured him it was fine...it happens. A few days later, same thing, couldn't get erect at all. That was a week and a half ago. We tried tonite and still nothing. I asked him if he is masturbating and he said he has and last time was four days ago. He had no problem getting an erection or ejaculating then, so there probably isnt anything wrong with him. I feel like he is not attracted to me at all. He doesn't look at me with desire, even when I am naked, and he doesn't touch me in sexual ways unless we were making love. He tells me he IS attracted to me and it's not me it's him. I love this man sooo much and I want to marry him more than anything in the world but I am not sure that I can go the rest of my life without having sex. Please somebody give me some advice..I am desperate.

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EmpowHER Guest

I went through a similar thing recently. Wasn't having sex for about a month even though everything was great. We were together for 8 yrs and lived together (still do, waiting for him to move out at the end of the month) then he send me a text out of the blue stating he didn't find me sexually attracted and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore. I find it strange that he is willing to throw it all away... I'm still confused and hurt.

April 18, 2016 - 12:29pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm sorry this happened to you. Relationships end for many reasons, including the disintegration of sexual attraction. I wish he hadn't done this by test - not very brave or considerate of him.


May 2, 2016 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend is the same way. He's 22 years old and is a middle school teacher (he got the job while still in college). He's currently buying a house. I can't figure out what the issue is. He has the world in the palm of his hand. We hooked up in college before we were together but now that we are together he doesn't seem as attracted to me. I had a son almost a year ago with my ex that I placed up for adoption and him and I started dating after that and I'm afraid that that's why he is t as attracted to me. It's heartbreaking. This is the man I plan on marrying g and he just doesn't seem into me anymore sexually.

March 6, 2016 - 8:49pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You need to talk to him. Don't even consider marriage until you work this out.
Good luck,

March 7, 2016 - 3:37pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been with my bf for less than a year. Started staying in with him after 8 mths. Initially, our sex life was great when he had to come to my place to see me and I couldn't stay over at his place every night. After I had moved in with him, things changed drastically. He is no longer aroused when he's with me, not like before. I'm hurt and I tried understanding why. 95% of the times I have to initiate sex. Is he no longer interested in me or is he just too stressed at work?

February 6, 2016 - 7:47am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm in a really similar situation and have been trying to figure out what's wrong. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. He says he loves me and is very attracted to me, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world etc. but his actions don't line up. He is really affectionate and is always kissing and touching me, but never in a more sexual way. If I try to start making out and touch his body more suggestively he will pull away and start doing something else as if he didn't get what I was implying. He never looks at me with desire when I'm naked, he laughs or shrugs it off if I send him flirty texts or sexy pictures. He's really awkward and doesn't seem to understand my usually very obvious attempts to turn him on, or maybe he's just pretending so we don't have to have sex. Sometimes I have to come out and say the words, and then he'll usually act annoyed like it's a bother and say he's too tired or has a headache, all the usual excuses. It makes me feel so unsexy and unwanted, and the thing is it's been this way since the beginning! But when we do have sex it IS great, he always comes and seems to enjoy it, and he takes care of me and makes sure I am satisfied too. We have talked about it and I almost broke up with him over it and now he is trying to make an effort to have more sex. But that doesn't feel good either because I want him to naturally be turned on my me, not to have to "try"!! So now when we have sex I feel like he is just doing it out of pity or whatever, which doesn't get ME turned on. He says the words and tries to start foreplay but I just don't believe that he is actually sexually attracted. What is the problem?! Are we just mismatched, does he have a low libido, is he maybe even asexual?! It makes me really frustrated :(

January 21, 2016 - 6:08pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel the same way. Me and my brother been together for 5 months and he is alittle older than me, but when ever I get naked he doesn't look at me or when I dance he doesn't look at me. I just don't get it, I'm not being conceded but I'm young and nice looking. He also loves to watch porn and I have no problem with that but he gets hard to that but he doesn't get hard when I play with my self. I don't know if I need help or what.

August 19, 2016 - 3:18am
(reply to Anonymous)

My bf is so affectionate and he's always doing what he can, like fixing things, building things I've mentioned in passing, we bonded over loosing a loved one. Sparks flew, fireworks the whole 9 yards. We have alot commoninterests, and take turns doing what is different. He brings me breakfast in bed on weekends, always opens doors, and acting like gentleman. The first few times we were iintimate he was mortified when he couldn't get erection. I'm almost 40, he's 44. It happens. No biggy. I boosthis cconfidence in my t ruely understanding. Two to four times a day everyday he initiates. The last few weeks he hasn't seemed to have any trouble and sex is always great. Only I picked up his phone to hand him and skinny girls porn was on screen.I'm a lil fluffy, ha 6 babies, and comfortable in my mom bod. I realized when we start making out on moments notice things heat up quickly, then he's gotta pee. Ok, few min later he back. and ready to go. I thought ok, whatever issue was is fixed. Only now i kow he's tta have help cause I don't doit for him. Well I guess I don't do it for his body. I am tryin to figure out a way to both grow in uourrelationship. We willing to come up w solution together but don't know where to start

March 7, 2016 - 8:18am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Dragonfly76)

I'm so sorry that you found out that way... I hope you haven't lost your confidence and comfort in your own body though! You sound like a wonderful mother.

August 15, 2016 - 11:01pm

I'm having the same me and my fiance have been together for almost 2 years we have good days and bad he makes me happy and I think I make him happy but we can go weeks without sex, and it kills me I need it to relieve stress and he will say he's not in the mood tired we will tomorrow etc. But then when we do he doesn't look at my body he never looks at me desirably he aims to cum and were done he will even masterbate after sex and not cm if he's looking at me. but will if I leave ,I feel as he thinks of another woman. He has a history of watching porn in secret I don't like it bc he looks up woman with bigger breast and bigger butt than I have EVERY SINGLE TIME. They are always more beautiful than.me a perfect body, its made me insecure he says he lives my body but ive never seen him look up someone like me.Like I feel that's what he wants I'm just what he ha.s he will lie when he has been on it try to hide it he has taken my phone while I was asleep in the shower even right beside me and told me he was downloading music but he was watching porn. I feel like if you can fantasize about another woman he will cheat in person. Ive caught him looking at woma s boobs and butt. he has watched it on his mom's phone in public while she left the car he says he did just to look but I'm so insecure now he's showed me what he thinks is sexy and I'm not that I don't feel sexy I don't feel like he likes my body but he tells me he loves it we have a 7 mnth old daughter together he wants to stay together bc he "loves" me and doesn't want to lose her but I don't want to be with a liar that continues to fantasize about another woman he has rejected me and then watched porn. Idk what to do I did want to marry him he has told me continually be will stop and change it takes three months and again. Then He will blame it bc I did something someone please help me

January 20, 2016 - 5:47pm
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