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I am only happy in my current relationship when I have something going on the side. But I love him! What is wrong with me?!

By Anonymous May 20, 2010 - 7:32pm
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bpd and infidelity

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My fiance and I are happy together, we have a wonderful future planned and I look forward to it, he treats me like a princess. We hardly ever fight, but that's only when I am going behind his back doing something he doesn't agree with. Don't get me wrong, I hate myself for this but I need to know WHY. One very important detail... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 2 years ago, and am currently on treatment for it.

I know he's the one I want to be with for life, and in my head I think it will be easier to quit my behaviors once we are married or live together, but when I am separate from him, I feel like there is a hole in my heart and I try to fill it however possible, if this means talking to other guys, other girls, whatever. But if I am not talking to someone or don't have something going on the side, we constantly fight & argue & I need him to reassure me he loves me all the time. I think having something on the side makes me less dependent of him, but I don't know if that's it for sure.

I really want to stop, I really want to be faithful, but I feel like when I am completely faithful to him it makes it hard for him to handle all of me, and we fight. I feel like HE might leave ME, because I'm too much to handle, and I definitely don't want that!

Why am I doing this? What do I do to fix it? Where do I start?

Add a Comment8 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

To the people who are with BPD people, this is the best advice: GO TO THERAPY!!!! As much as they need, you MUST!. I am tired of us talking just about them and all the mess they put in our lives. Yes, we could write books from all the shit they put us in. From my own experience with a BPD man, seeking out for help was the best I made. Yes, they do bad things, but the real questions to us as victims are : why do I let him treat my like that? why am i still here after all the cheating and shit? why its so hard for me to leave him? why do I still want to be with him after all the disgusting stuff he made? am i THAT afraid to be alone? ... Probably you have co-dependant issues or low self steem, which was my case. This made me a perfect target for BPD people. You can help them to an extent if you love them, but you have to love YOURSELF MORE!!!! THINK OF YOU!!!! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!... this is the best advice you will hear !!!! We come alone to this world, you have to be selfish on this one. let THEM look for their answers, you can support them but #1 priority is YOU. I left my relationship and I dont think I would have without therapy. I see people who are 12 years with these people, its not good for you , neither for them. They are testing the limits, how much harm they can do before you leave. I know my husband had a lot of pain and sadness for my leaving, but this way he will never do what he did to me to his next wife. And he understands my decision. he is still on therapy, getting better, me too. That is LOVE too. I love him, i want him to do well, i helped him all the way but hey!!! I love me too!!! i want to be happy too!!! And you should!!! get out of this drama!! and seek out help!!!

July 10, 2016 - 7:24pm
EmpowHER Guest

Thank you for sharing your story, Anonymous and what a story it is!

It is certainly great to hear both sides of the story with the original writer being the one with the BPD and now the husband who happens to deal with the wife that has BPD.

I think there is a great lesson to be learned here to the original writer, that you may want to seriously think about therapy for your disease. I am certain you do not want to lose your relationship and you clearly wrote that you are very happy. The best idea here is that you already reached out for help here with us, although therapy will clearly help you control the feeling of the 'empty heart syndrome'.

Please keep us posted.

December 18, 2010 - 9:43am
EmpowHER Guest

My wife has BPD and has cheated the bulk of our marriage. I foundout all at once just this year and she went straight to therapy. I do not belive that she has told me all of her affairs though and the duration and activities of each. Some she says were just making out for 4 hours at 4 am. I am not naive. She targets married me no and policemen and firefighters and college sports coaches. All married men. I have read that they pursue people that are good father types and responsible as cerrogates for her own failed neglectful and irresponsible parents. She says nothing is my fault and i am a responsible parent as such, but what they want in the beginning when you meet is a perfect father figure for her and her kids, soon enough, she turned on me that I was her actual father (only in her mind) and she started sneaking around like a teenager trying to go out with irresponsible friends that have Histrionic disorder and BPD and Bi-polarism. These women are not marriage friendly and do not judge her for her poor choices like cheating with young children and has it all at home. they are her chosen enablers rather. She admits she has it all with our marriage and kids and all. But she has a void, an emptiness that she fills with infidelity, lies, spending, binge eating and celebrity gossip fetishes. She lives in a fantasy world because the world inside her head is an eternally sad place. She was misdiagnosed with depression for a decade. She is a "cutter" and is parasuicidal to no end. Right now, I need her to stop with her lies, half-truths and convenient omissions regarding her infidelity and tell me every detail. I am in a place that i can handle it. What lasts far longer than the hurt over sex, is the hurt over dishonesty. I NEVER knew my wife to be a liar. Never. She is the most compulsive liar that I have ever known now. I deserve to know because it is killing me. She has cheated with co-workers of mine that I have unkowing rode to work with and hugged them and bought them a beer at the bar. You have to tell all if you think you will have any chance at moving forward. How else can you believe that someone is done cheating if they cannot admit to all that they have done. BPDs fear abandonment and are afraid you will leave of they tell, plus, they will do anything to hide their shame from the the ones they supposedly care about. My wife had no remorse before therapy. She told me of affair after affair with dry eyes and straight face. In order for us to take the next step to recovery, sh will have to take a lie detector test as she is not a source to be believed. I miss her. I feel bad for her because I am well-informed on the pathology of the disorder and the genetics and/or the failing of her parents. Now we have kids and we are the parents. A divorce might trigger abandonment iasues im our children and give thm onset BPD. BPD is a no-win situation for the souse for sure. I am not free if I stay or leave. Do not have kids until you are recovered. No child deserves what our children are about to go through.

December 17, 2010 - 9:33pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Are you and your wife still together. My story is very similar, and Im just 3 months out from her dropping the bomb.

January 11, 2016 - 12:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow, it's like reading my own story. I recently discovered "all at once" that my husband of 29 years has been cheating on me for 12 years. He has admitted to 4 long term affairs (one of them with my best friend that lasted 3 years) and the others with women that I also know. I suspect there are many more possibly including random hook ups while on business trips but he will not admit to that. Since this has come out I have had friend after friend tell me that he had also hit on them but that they turned him down. I feel completely gutted and betrayed. He of course is doing all the right things and getting counselling and doing everything he can to "save us" but I fear this is too little too late. He can not be trusted and is still in contact with his most recent affair. He was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and has been medicated and counselled for the last 12 months. He didn't however admit to any infidelity until a few months ago and has now been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and they now also think BPD. I am staying with him for the time being while his medication is stabilised as he has been suicidal and I fear that me leaving would trigger another attempt. Once he is more stable however, I am gone. He has also (classically) been telling people how unsupportive I have been and that I am not who they think I am etc etc... next thing Idolizing me and saying how wonderful I am... Confusing for everyone. From what I read, sufferers of this illness tend to try anything to hang on to a relationship but once realising it is over will move on very quickly to another. I also gather that no matter how much treatment they have the risk of reoffending is very high and likely. I am so angry / hurt / gutted / grief stricken you name it I feel it. The loss of who I thought we were as a couple / the loss of our plans for the future / the loss of a friend who I now see was no friend at all / All the memories from the last 12 years I now am re- examining to try and figure out why I did not see this? All the happy times we had and there were many are now tainted knowing that this was going on behind the scenes. Thankfully my kids are adults and although affected by this will be ok. I just feel sad every day, some days it is almost overwhelming. The best thing I have done for myself is join the gym and get a bit of agro doing a bit of body combat / kick boxing.
I am blessed to be surrounded by some genuine supportive friends and a brilliant family.

May 7, 2015 - 5:58pm

wow did not know this was a condition? hope you get help friend

May 25, 2010 - 10:44pm

i have knowen femal suffered like

i can help u

send me back if u want

May 22, 2010 - 8:16am

Hi Anonymous-

It is entirely possible that this is related to your borderline personality disorder diagnosis. Have you discussed this behavior with your therapist? This is not an uncommon issue for those working through BPD. From the National Institutes of Mental Health:

"People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless."

It is often a difficult struggle to work through BPD, because it is so deeply seated and has an effect on all of your relationships and your ability to trust and feel valued as a person. If you are extremely honest and direct with your therapist, it will help you. It may be helpful to have some couples therapy sessions as well, because then your boyfriend will be better able to understand why you behave as you do. This will not give you a free pass to cheat, but it will help both of you avoid the triggers that cause this behavior and will, in the end, make you feel more secure and your relationship will strengthen as a result.

Another quote from NIMH: "People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex." http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

I suggest you read up on your diagnosis, stay in therapy, and educate your boyfriend as well. Only when things are out in the open can your relationship move to the next level. If your boyfriend feels insecure because of your cheating, he is likely to hesitate pursuing a long-term relationship. Take this question in and show it to your therapist so you can work through this issue. You'll be glad you did.

We also have a page on BPD: http://www.empowher.com/condition/borderline-personality-disorder

Good luck to you.

May 21, 2010 - 8:33am
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