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I asked my boyfriend about his sexual past and I got more than what I wanted to know. What do I do now?

By Anonymous May 22, 2009 - 1:44am
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Dear Dr. Klein, I asked my boyfriend the other night about his sexual past. So far he's only had one serious relationship before me. I was ok with talking about it at first. I was excited to find out about his past. He didn't want to talk about it because he said that it wasn't healthy to ask these questions if I'm not ready. But eventually he told me about his past. Now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have asked him. I feel like I don't please him as well as his ex-girlfriend. I'm putting myself down because I feel he has done more with his ex than with me and I feel that I may be and amateur for him. What should I do? I don't like feeling like this because I do realize that his past is his past and I shouldn't worry about it. He says that he enjoys it with me but I still feel self conscious.

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Hi, Anon. I have forwarded your question to Dr. Klein and hope that he will be able to get back with you in the next few days.

In the meantime, I want to encourage you to not be critical of yourself and not compare you to your boyfriend's past relationship. There isn't any good that can come of it, OK? You asked, because you wanted to know. Now you have the information, but it's complicated, isn't it?

The best thing you can do is to listen to him when he tells you what it is he likes about you, and relax in knowing that you are a worthwhile person. (With him or without him!) None of us have the same sexual experience as anyone else has; if we wanted to, we could always find someone who is more expert at it to make us feel bad.

Have you ever been to an exercise class? You know how there are women of all sizes and bodies in there? Well, if we want to, we could look at those who are in worse shape than we are, and feel better about ourselves -- but that would be a little petty. We could look at those who are in great shape and feel badly about ourselves -- but that would be really counterproductive. Instead, we can just say, "I'm here with all these women and we all rock," and pat ourselves on the back for being there, in the moment, enjoying ourselves. You're in sort of the same situation. You're feeling bad about a person who is no longer in the picture. You can make yourself crazy with this, and it will NOT help your relationship.

Take things at your own pace, focus on enjoying terrific times with your boyfriend and realize that he's with YOU. The worst thing that you could do is to somehow try to be like his old girlfriend and not be faithful to yourself.

Check back on this thread in a few days, and perhaps Dr. Klein will have been able to answer back. And in the meantime, relax and just be yourself.

May 22, 2009 - 9:41am
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