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I can't reach an orgasm, what can I do about it?

By Anonymous March 8, 2009 - 8:26pm
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I didn't know before until rather recently, but I've never had an orgasm, or at least I don't think I have. I think its impossible for me. I always just enjoyed sexual activities like fingering and oral, but I never really realized what I was missing out on. I always just assumed that what I was feeling was the most any one did, until my current boyfriend brought it up. He would always be disappointed that he wasn't able to give me an orgasm. No other guy has brought up that I haven't had an orgasm, but I guess they were just to dumb to know, or too mean to tell me. I have heard some things like the better you know how to please yourself the easier it will be for someone else to do it, but I'm not really big into masturbation. Not that I think it is wrong, it just doesn't really work for me, I have no urge to do it. I also am aware that because I am younger (18) I might just need to wait until I'm older. I am not currently sexually active, but shouldn't I be able to have an orgasm through other sexual activities? Anyone have any advice?

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First, some reassurance:

It's a common misconception that younger women find sex easier than older women. Many younger women have difficulty early on learning how to have an orgasm. So the first thing to know is that your efforts do not mean that something is wrong with you.

I'm a physician who has treated over 3,000 women for hormonal problems and sexual dysfunction and I've found that the research is correct: at least 4 out of 10 women are seriously bothered by at least one of the four female-sexual problems (and these problems are more common in younger women): 1) difficulty with arousal, 2) decreased libido, 3) pain with intercourse, 4) difficulty with orgasm.

Now for how to make things better:

Though this may seem like an odd idea to some (and not a big deal to others), many women have told me that they first learned to have an orgasm by using a vibrator around the clitoris. Once you get there a few times, it really does become easier with practice. No need for a monster vibrator, or to even use for penetration, just a simple vibrator to use around the clitoris.

People have widely varying ideas about vibrators. Believe it or not, in Alabama, it's still against the law (and they enforce this law) to sell a vibrator for sexual purposes! So, many are upset by the idea. But, vibrators can be a wonderful tool to help you find the other side of that edge into orgasm.

For a discrete way to order, Amazon.com has a nice selection. Also, if even that seems embarrassing, then buy one of those razors that have the vibrating handles (take the blade off and use the round end of the handle)--then when you're in the tub, no one needs to know. Not that masturbating is something to be ashamed of...it's just I realize it's not something you want everyone in the house to know you're doing...like say practicing piano or reading a book. It's just not their business.

Important: Alcohol increases arousal but for most women makes the ability to orgasm more difficult. So, I'd recommend no alcohol.

Also (and this is a big one), birth control pills work by decreasing LH and FSH (so you don't ovulate), but the side effect is a decrease in testosterone--which can lead to weight gain, depression, headaches, and decreased ability to orgasm.

If a woman is over 25, then she should have blood testing done for sure. If testosterone levels are low, it's very difficult for most women to experience an orgasm.

Also, there's a procedure using blood-derived growth factors to stimulate multipotent stem cells to rejuvenate the tissue of the vagina--leading to increased ability to orgasm (and helping with stress incontinence). It's called the O-Shot (R). You can find more about the procedure and research about sexual dysfunction at http://OShot.info

The big thing to remember is that sex really is an art that becomes better as you learn more about your body and your own psychology. So, relax, keep educating yourself by listening to your own body and by reading all you can about sexuality and health.

Hope this helps.

Peace & health,

Charles Runels, MD

December 20, 2012 - 1:08am
EmpowHER Guest

i will help you yes talk to me

May 23, 2010 - 9:32pm


Please don't think that it's "impossible" for you to have an orgasm. Just because it hasn't happened yet, at a relatively young age and with just a little experience, doesn't mean it can't or won't. The fact that you have always enjoyed your sexual experiences is exactly how you want to feel right now. The fact that you can focus on the pleasurable feelings it gives you is a gift! And like Alison said, it may be that the boyfriend who mentioned this to you was feeling vulnerable himself, feeling that it said something negative about him.

For men, climax is more of a physical reaction; for women, it is often more tied up in our feelings -- of love, freedom, acceptance, and feeling that we are completely safe in being open to our partner. It often takes us more time to figure out what works for us.

Here's a very good story on this from ABC news:


And I thought this article was interesting, also. It also compares the differences in what happens in men's and women's brains in arousal:


Hope some of this helps you know that you're completely normal.

March 11, 2009 - 9:27am

After reading your post, I am wondering why you think your current boyfriend is the "nice one" telling you that "he is always disappointed that he couldn't give you an orgasm", when your previous boyfriends were the "mean or dumb ones" who "didn't bring it up"?

If you were not concerned about it before, and are enjoying all of the other sexual activities, then I hope you continue enjoying them and not change your mind because one boyfriend told you what (he thinks!) you are missing. I find that difficult to believe, honestly, that we can presume to know, even if he has had other sexual partners!

Your age may/may not have anything to do with orgasms, but rather, your relationship with your body and your current partner. Trust, love, understanding and mutual respect are HUGE factors in all relationships, particularly in sexual ones.

And, since you asked for advice, I would like to provide some information. Orgasms are considered the "climax", and in order to reach this state, you would need to feel highly aroused. Many partners place certain unachievable expectations on the end result (orgasm), instead of focusing on providing the right amount of stimulation, teasing, touching and other pleasing feelings so that you are highly aroused. Some partners have the end goal in sight, and rush to it instead of enjoying the journey, and (unfortunately?), many women's bodies to not respond well to being hurried. If you are not really into masturbation, have you ever considered trying a vibrator, either by yourself or with a partner?

March 8, 2009 - 8:55pm
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