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i dont experience orgasm

By Anonymous March 11, 2011 - 9:56am
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My husband and myself have been having sex for the past one year. During this time I never experienced an orgasm. I want him to enjoy sex for which I take the initiative in doing things which he likes. Our sex usually lasts 5 mins. He starts fondling me for about a min or so after he is fully aroused and immediately penetrates me and finishes off with his orgasm.

My problem is that i do not feel anything during this time. I have read that most women does not attain orgasm by just penetration. Is that why I am lacking orgasm or any arousal? Through my friends I learnt that most of them attain orgasm or feel good when their partners fingers them and most of the time their partners see to it that they are aroused and feel good. But my husband is not bothered that i am not aroused or rather he does not notice that i am not aroused.

He watches porn movies and masturbates often which make me feel that may be I am not satisfying him. I have tried talking to him about this matter but he replied that it is due to my lack of sexual desire that I dont feel anything and that it does not effect him and does not matter to him that I am like this. He says that he cannot do anything about the fact that I do not get aroused and that I have to develop it or maybe I will learn after sometime. He advised me to watch porn movies but I am not comfortable with the idea.
Please advise what should I do ? Is this happening because as he says really I am lacking of sexual desire. Am I over reacting to the situation? I love him so much and really want to be happy with him while having sex .

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HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for your question and welcome!

Before talking about orgasm (which is the least of your sexual issues) we need to address the fact that your husband is a bad lover and disrespectful husband - he takes neither the time nor the interest in arousing you and is simply interested in his own (quick) pleasures. You might as well be a warm blown up doll lying there, for all it matters. I'm not saying this to insult you, I'm looking at things through your husband's eyes, based on what you have said.

You need to stop having sex with him until he listens to you.

A problem with porn is that the women are "turned on" (it's fake) within 10 seconds of being with a man and they're yelling and screaming in ecstasy exactly one minute later. Again, all fake. But men who watch this compulsively may think that this is real life. Or even if they know it's fake, they have become numbed to the fact that a real, live woman doesn't work that way. Or they just don't care.

Based on what you have said, your husband is incredibly selfish in bed. You really need to get real and stop allowing him to throw himself on you for a few minutes and then run off to his porn. Take control over your body - it's yours and not his. Until he learns to be good and considerate lover, you'll never relax enough to orgasm.

So for now, orgasm through sex is not your problem. Your husband and is porn habit is, as is his complete lack of regard for your sexual needs.

Is he like this with you in other aspects of your marriage? Disrespecting you or not taking your ideas and needs into consideration?

I hope to hear back from you, you don't deserve this kind of treatment in marriage!


March 11, 2011 - 1:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you so much susan for your reply..
and about him... He is supporting and caring in all other aspects..he loves me a lot and really cares for me..
The thing which frustrates me is that he does not look seriously into this matter even after i talked to him about this... It took me lot of thinking as to whether i shud talk to him about this matter .. finally i decided to talk to him . but he has this easy going attitude with this.. and tells me that marraige is not only about sex( i know it ).. so finally i end up thinking i am making a fuss out of nothing. even if i tell him about this post and show him all this he will either read it and say nothing or will say i have gone nuts to write up like this... i really really love him a lot.. and i know he does too.. but i dont know as to why he is not understanding me in this regard.. Do u think i am overreacting to the situation? or is it that he really dont know about the fact that women needs to be aroused? and that we take more time than men to get aroused?

March 14, 2011 - 9:07am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi again Anon

Thanks for the update! It's good to know your husband is an all-round good person (except for in the sack!) and treats you well.

I'm a bit surprised he doesn't care about your desires in bed as most men take pride in their ability to be a very good lover. Doesn't he want you to think he's great in bed? You might want to take that route. Explain to him (in a really positive way) that he's such a good guy that it's a shame he's not able to produce much for a women, sexually. Make him work on his efforts so he feels manly and takes a sense of pride in his ability to please a woman. For most men, it's a real turn on when they know they are satisfying their partner.

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. He's having a grand time in bed and you aren't and that's not fair. You do need to talk about it more to him and if he continues to ignore you or make you feel like you're fussing or crazy, then you have some choices to make. I also think once your husband makes an effort to please you in bed, he'll love it as much as you!

By the way, does he come from a culture where sexuality, especially a woman's sexuality, is not talked about or considered important?


March 14, 2011 - 12:26pm
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