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i have no libido, what is wrong with me?

By Anonymous January 22, 2009 - 10:20am
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after the birth of my 3rd child, i have no sex drive, its been nearly 3 years now and its affecting my relationship with my husband. i worried that i don't find him attractive anymore and this is the reason, what do you think? thanks.

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thanks you for the comments, im 29 years old my children are aged 7, 5 and 2. and my hubby is 31, we have been together for 10 years and married for 4 years. thanks

February 24, 2009 - 9:05am

Anon, in addition to Alison's great questions, I would also ask your age, and whether it's possible that you could be entering or be in perimenopause?

Perimenopause can begin 8 to 10 years before actual menopause does. It's very typical to have a loss of libido as a symptom.

Some people notice the onset of perimenopausal symptoms in their 30s; others, not until their 40s. Here's a page from the Mayo Clinic on it if you think it might be part of the issue:


Alison is right -- what you're experiencing is very common, whether it's because of the home front or because of something biological, or a combination. Three kids is a lot of joy, but it's also a whole lot of work and a whole lot of responsibility. If you feel that the division of those things isn't fair, that resentment can affect your libido as well.

Here's a page from Discovery Health on reclaiming lost libido; it does a great job of going into the multiple and complicated reasons that this can happen:


Here are a couple of paragraphs from this story that might make you feel better:

"According to the findings of a NIH-sponsored survey published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (Feb. 10, 1999) 43 percent of women report recognizable sexual dysfunction. Problems range from not being able to have orgasms to having no sexual desire at all.

"In fact, 35 percent of the estimated 40 to 50 million women who have sexual dysfunction have no or low sexual desire — what the experts call hypoactive sex drive, or HSD for short. By definition, women with HSD lack sexual fantasies, suddenly find sex uninteresting, and rarely masturbate. "They feel neutered — nothing turns them on," says Susan Kellogg-Spadt, director of sexual medicine at the Pelvic Floor Institute, Graduate Hospital in Philadelphia.

"While women with HSD may not feel deprived without sex, a defining feature is that lack of libido causes distress: "I worry about losing my husband and am sad to be missing out on this natural — and pleasurable — part of living," says McHugh.

So take care, and know you aren't alone.

January 23, 2009 - 9:56am

Well, what I think is: you are normal and like many other women! :-)

How old is your 3rd child? (meaning, is s/he a newborn, infant, toddler, preschool, or older?). How old are you & your hubby?

Do you feel like your hubby is helping out with the kids, the chores, the "invisible housework" (calling to make doctor appointments, keeping up with social obligations, paying bills, planning meals, etc)? Is he trying to help in open communication, being respectful and a good friend in your marriage? Are you doing the same for him?

Do you feel like you have time to yourself to recharge? To be with friends? Is this time guilt-free? Does your hubby also have time to himself, and time with friends...also guilt-free?

Do you have togetherness time with your hubby, without the kids, on a regular basis (whether that is once a week or twice a month)?

I guess the questions I'm asking have more to do with how you view your life, your marriage, any resentments you may have, etc, rather than something being biologically or chemically un-balanced. If you do have any hormonal imbalances, do you have other symptoms? Have you had your hormone levels checked?

Hang in there...this is a great community of women who have asked and discussed this very topic; you'll receive some great information. I hope we hear back from you soon!

January 22, 2009 - 2:20pm
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