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I have trouble waking up in th morning, how do I fix this?

By February 25, 2010 - 12:06pm
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I have never ever been a morning person, ever since I can remember. Now that I live with my boyfriend however it has started to effect my relationship as well. I dont have a job right now so I dont have a specific reason to get up at a certain time and I have not been able to find a job at all and it is getting very stressfull for me. Plus other things going on in my relationship so lately I have felt very sad and dare I say depressed a little bit. This just makes me want to sleep more and more and not get up at all. So anyways my boyfriend comes in and tells me (key word tells me its time to get up, not asks me to please get up) its time to get up and I lay there a little bit longer ignoring him but knowing that I will get up in like 5 minutes. He continues to say this and I tell him just a little longer and he says no, im being nice right now and if you dont get up now ill move on to stage 2. Then I dont get up and he says ok time for stage 2 and he opens the blinds, opens the window all the way even if it is snowing and freezing outside, takes the blankets off of me etc. This just gets me even more angry and makes me want to defy what he wants me to do even more because I feel like im being treated like a child, not like his partner. So this morning I got really pissed and told him that he isnt my father and that really made him mad. I regreted saying it right away but I couldnt help it and then he left for work really mad at me and didnt even say goodbye. I hate this because now our entire day will be ruined because of this one stupid thing. I know I have a problem with waking up and getting an attitude in the morning towards the person trying to wake me up and I need help with that. I need to know how do I fix this problem. But I also feel like if he would go about it a different way, like by hugging me, kissing me, being nice and asking me to please get up rather then demanding me to then I would want to get up rather then lay there and defy him cuz he is pissing me off. Please help me.

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EmpowHER Guest

Hi Mollie I hope things are better now. Your boyfriend seems to need REALLY big time help and you can't help him, since I assume you're not a therapist, psychologist or counsellor, but even if you were you couldn't help him because you're too close to him. I think you should take some time off from your relationship with him because I don't think you are safe with him, no one is safe around a person with a gun. I personally don't think he has ANY RIGHT at all to tell you when to get up or go to bed or anything else! As long as you do your share of the work, who the h**l's business is it anyways what hour you do this work in, whether you do it at 8 in the morning or 2 in the afternoon?! I imagine this must be very hard because you love him, but you must think that he doesn't sound like he is good for you, he must first learn to take care of himself and be good to himself (stop getting drunk, threatening to commit suicide, etc.), and then he can learn to be good to other people. I think you should wait until he gets some professional help before continuing on with the relationship.

September 17, 2010 - 6:26pm

There is one more thing that I forgot to mention that has also REALLY been stressing me out. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend but it has alot to do with my irritabilitly and depression. I have some kind of medical problem that has been going on for a little over a year now. I get extremly nauseous after almost every single time I eat. I throw up, I have unusual bowel movements, and I also get extremely sharp stabbing pains in my lower stomach and chest. I have had many procedures to try and figure out the problem. I have had an EGD, a Colonoscopy, a haita scan, multiple ultrasounds, everything you could think of and the doctors have no idea what is wrong with me all the tests have come back normal and I have to just deal with the pain and discomfort. I know this has been a very stressfull factor in my life for over a year.

Sorry to load so much information on you but I feel that talking to family and friends about this doesnt help. I need an outside opinion.

February 28, 2010 - 3:15pm
(reply to s_mollie35)

Have you considered that you may also benefit from professional counseling? I am not sure what is making you stay with a boyfriend who is threatening to harm himself, and who has "said and done hurtful things to you" as well.

The mind-body connection is tremendous, and your physical ailments could really be your physical body telling you to GET OUT of this harmful situation, since your mind is not willing to listen at this moment. Depression and excess, unmanageable stress can absolutely materialize into physical symptoms such as those you describe, and since doctors are not able to find anything specifically wrong, your best treatment is probably to find a safer environment, take care of yourself and seek counseling for yourself to understand yourself and your choices in a deeper way.

Please let us know if we can help you find a psychologist in your area. Your new job may also have an EAP (employee assistance program) that provides you with time and resources to talk with a therapist that is confidential. Check with your benefits personnel.

February 28, 2010 - 8:18pm

There are two issues:
1. Your sadness, stress and depression/depressed feelings
2. Your boyfriend's actions

Regarding the first issue. You have said that you are sad, stressed by not being able to find a job, and a little depressed. It is difficult for you to get out of bed in the morning, and that you have an "attitude" in the morning. Have you truly assessed what is going on? Do you feel that you have a reason to get out of bed? Are you sleeping well during the night?

There are many resources for you, depending on if you are having trouble getting out of bed because you are still exhausted (either from stress, lack of sleep, insomnia, getting to bed late, etc) or if you can't get out of bed because of excess stress, depression, not feeling that you have a reason to get out of bed, etc.

The second issue. Your boyfriend sounds like he may be worried about you, and by seeing you physically up and out of bed would provide relief that you are OK (even if you are not). Is your lying in bed inconveniencing him in any way (ie, are you in his apartment?)? Are you wanting him to tip-toe around you, while he is trying to work and you are in bed until noon? He may want you to contribute around the house, which is understandable, and not just lay around all day. If you do not communicate with him that you need some professional help (counselor for depression, or job-finding service), then he is going to assume you are just being lazy...probably the reason you are so mad that he would assume this and not magically know what is going on (if you have not communicated with him). If you two are sharing living space, then you do have responsibilities around the house. If you are at his place, then he does have a right to his space (and his bed). I don't agree with him treating you like a child, but it does sound like you were acting like a child ("defying" the need to get up, and pushing the limits).

Please don't use him as your scape goat when you say he's pissing you off. It's your responsibility to tell him that you are going to sleep until 12noon, that you have a headache and need some alone time, that you are sad and need his help to go to counseling, or to say that you need a hug. Communication is key, and needs to start with you!

How does this make you feel? I would like to hear back from you, and know if you need some resources to help you through this sad, depressed and stressful time in your life. How old are you---how long have you been looking for a job?

February 25, 2010 - 2:15pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Well I have some good news, just yesterday I finally found a job! So that is a big relief and huge weight off my shoulders. I start next week so once I finally start then hopefully things will look up.
However, while not having a job was a big part of my depression, there are still many other factors getting me down.

First I would like to fill you in on the circumstances of my situation. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 37, so there is a large age gap. We have been dating for 2 years now and we do live together. It was his apartment at first but he asked me to move in and it is now ours, we have two dogs together. Yes I have been feeling depressed and it makes it hard for me to get the motivation to get up in the morning but im not sleeping all day. I dont get up any later then 11 and when I do get up I go workout, I clean the apartment, do the laundry the dishes, I keep our home nice, doing all the decorating and cleaning. Now given he does do all the cooking, I dont really know how to cook. So I DO contribute. The only way I would say that I wasnt contributing was financially which I understand can be stressfull for him. Hopefully now that I have found a job that part will change.

However other things are stressing me out such as me getting down on myself for gaining weight, which is why I have been trying really hard to workout alot lately which he encourages me to do. Also, now that we have been dating for awhile he never seems to want to have sex with me, when he used to all the time. I mention it and he tells me its not me and that he is just stressed and not in the mood. We have had several serious talks about how when he gets like this it makes me feel undesirable and unwanted by him. He tells me he understands how this is making me feel this way and things will get better for about a week and then it will go back to the way it was before. He is much less affectionate then he used to be. He used to make me feel like a princess and now I feel barley noticed by him. I try and be very loving and caring to him all the time and I feel like I get none of that in return. It has really been putting a toll on my self-esteem because I love him very very much and dont want to loose him but I feel like the relationship may be falling apart. Now dont get me wrong he is very loving and sweet sometimes just not as often as it used to be.

He has some personal issues also that I really cant do anything about. He had a bad childhood, his parents hit him and were awful to him and he does not have any contant with them at all and I dont think he has ever gotten over it. the same day that I posted the comment on here, later that evening he texted me and said he was in a bad mood and wasnt coming home just yet. He went to the bar and got completely wasted drunk. He came home in a rage talking about how he was useless and no one loved him and he wanted to kill himself. He scared me alot, he told me I was stupid for loving him and that I should get my stuff and get out because I deserved someone better then him. I tried to talk to him nicely and tell him I love him and that im here for him and he screamed at me to leave him alone. He grabbed his gun, went in the bedroom and locked the door. I can open the door with a screwdriver so I did and I tried to talk to him again and I told him again that I loved him and was here for him and he said that I didnt love him and he didnt love me and I should get out. I took his gun and his car keys and hid them both and then went to a friends house for the night. Now this doesnt happen often but this is about the 3rd time in 2 years that he has freaked out like that when he got really drunk and said and did very very hurtful things to me. The next day I talked to him and he said he didnt mean anything he said and that he loves me very much and that he just had a meltdown and I told him that Im here for him if he needs to talk but that he needs to think about what he is saying before he says those awful things to me. He seemed very sorry but Im still hurt by it. Im torn, I love him so much but Im sick of dealing with this BS. Its stuff like that that makes me sad and depressed.

February 28, 2010 - 2:58pm
(reply to s_mollie35)

Congratulations on your job!

The other information you gave us about your boyfriend threatening on several occasions to commit suicide: this is not something you should be dealing with alone. Especially since you said he "gets drunk and said and did very very hurtful things to me".

Your depression is very likely to continue with a living situation such as this; you are in an extremely stressful, harmful environment, and your boyfriend needs professional help. If he is not willing to seek help for himself at this time, please take care of yourself and find a safer environment to live in. Your physical and mental and emotional health depend on YOU taking charge of YOU first; then you can help someone else find professional help they need.

Please let us know if we can help.

February 28, 2010 - 8:14pm
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