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ask: I love him, but don't trust him anymore

My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years. During this time, we have struggled with many issues. I love him dearly, and feel a connection that I have never felt. I just don't know what to do right now tho. Over the past 2 years, he had been angry all the time, and the fact that we did not have sex much increased the anger I fear. He would come home 'in a mood' and take it out on my self and my daughter. Not physically, but emotionally. I found out that he was having an emotional affair with someone at work, trading porn, writing pornographic stories, etc. When looking at the phone bill I found that in one day they had traded 300 texts. I asked that they do not continue, and he agreed, saying she meant nothing. Then I found out he was using other means to continue this affair. There were other involvements at that time as well. We split up for a few months and during this time I saw a major change and a new respect for me. We got back together. Now, he has a lot of female friends that he texts, calls, facebooks, etc. He has one in particular that calls and texts him 24/7. He says she is only his friend. There is more, but the basic problem is this - he keeps his facebook, email accounts secret, I believe he has put a privacy thing on his facebook so I can only see certain messages. his phone is always with him, he deletes all the history on the computer he uses. I found a common number that was on his cell phone many, many times and called it. It was a female, but when I approached him about it, he said it was a friend and the female that answered must be his wife/girlfriend. He was angry with me, and said I didn't want him to have any friends. I try not to get jealous (and yes my self esteem is in the gutter right now), but between the porn, the girls at work, the way he taunts me with telling me how this person is dressed and that person is dressed, and his phone ringing with texts all the time, I am getting very, very stressed over this. I do not have sex with him, because I am not interested in it right now. It is not out of being mean, but having sex is something I do when I feel secure and happy, otherwise, I can get B.O.B. out and not deal with the drama.
I know this is a lot of stuff. But, am I right to be concerned or am I over reacting???

Add a Comment11 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm kind of going through the same stuff. My bf always goes on private browsing. I was trying to find something I looked up a few hours ago 'n' went scrolling through the history 'n' found some porn thing which we had some agreements about. Since.. losing trust in him... everything makes me paranoid. It's like... physically/mentally I feel like being with him is like being in the middle of a war. He has flirty txts with one of his female friends. I dunno...sometimes I wish I could just erase everything.. I feel so numb. I hope things get better with you <3 I'm sorry your going through this bullshit.

January 2, 2014 - 5:47am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Oh my gosh....you are all being so beat around the bush with this poor girl..hippiechick heres the straight truth. He's cheatin on you girl. ..I'm not going to sugar coat it. Lose him like a bad habit. TRUST me on this. Seriously continue going to counseling for your own health and lose what is making you unhealthy. I would rather speak the truth to you than allow you to believe that this type of man can change. They can't and they won't. Plain and simple. He is not good enough for you. He is a liar CLEARLY as well as a cheater. God bless you in your journey to happiness.

April 15, 2011 - 3:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Nearly a year ago now my boyfriend went out to the pub because we had an arguement, I left him to it and went to bed. I woke in the middle of the night to him getting into bed, I noticed he'd left the living room light on so I went to turn it off. I discovered the laptop open and a conversation he'd been having with some women on msn. Talking about how he wanted to do things with her and he also showed his penis on the webcam!! Anyway we had another arguement. He said he couldn't remember doing it and he was sorry. I kicked him out the flat for a few days. We got back together after long talks. Then about 5 months ago I discovered his msn and facebook account that he'd said he'd deleted. It was basically the same thing as before!! I kicked him out again, for longer! More talks. Me crying. I really wanted to let him prove to me that he could be a decent bloke, so I let him back. I feel like a mug writing this down, I sound like mug!!! Hes not done anything since, (as far as I know) he knows that next time thats it. We're finished. Im just finding it so hard to trust him, its doing my head in. Apart from this hes a lovely caring bloke!! I dont know what to do.

February 9, 2011 - 9:51am
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

You sound like you do know what to do...you've already done it quite a few times! You have many options, and here is my perspective:

1. He may be caring and loving, but his behaviors are such that he is not in a mutually monogamous relationship. That is his choice, but he needs to let you know (proactively) that he is having sexual relationships with other women. Yes, they are online relationships (for now). Yes, it is sexual-in-nature.
2. You have all of the information in front of you to make a decision. Do you want a mutually monogamous relationship, or are you okay dating other people? Unfortunately, your boyfriend (up to this point) has not been forthright with telling you he wants to "see" other women; you have to depend on his behaviors to know what type of relationship he wants: send/receive/share nude photos, have sexual conversations with other women...in essence, he does not want to be mutually exclusive at this point in his life.
3. So...the ball is in your court. What type of relationship do you want right now?

February 10, 2011 - 10:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

I want a relationship where its just me and him! Thats all Ive ever wanted, I dont want to lose him. If we split up Il have to move back to my mums because I dont get paid enough to live in a flat by myself. Im 24, I really dont wanna have to do that! Thanks for your comments.

February 11, 2011 - 6:41am
Alison Beaver (reply to Anonymous)

I know it's tough, but your comment that you don't want to "lose him"... that was my previous point. You don't really "have him" now, exclusively, anyways.

It does not sound like he is interested in committing exclusively to a relationship at this point, and you do not need to make a lifetime decision. You can make a decision today that you want a mutually exclusive relationship with someone, and if he is unwilling/uninterested in providing this...this really isn't even a decision anymore as just acting on the facts.

Otherwise, if you only want him...it sounds like you need to share him with other women. Those are the options he has presented to you, and I know it makes you feel very sad, and I am so sorry...but his behaviors are showing you that he is not as invested in the long term health of an exclusive relationship with you.

If you are unable to financially support yourself right now, you can begin to save up money, and it is important to be able to support yourself FIRST as a strong and independent woman, and not be forced to make a decision-of-the-heart (romantic relationship) based on finances. Perhaps this is a blessing-in-disguise for you to become independent without depending on a man. (Think about it: would you want a man to be forced to stay in a romantic relationship with you, if the only reason was because he couldn't afford to live by himself?!).

February 15, 2011 - 10:54am
Rosa Cabrera RN (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon,

Would you rather live a sad life not trusting someone and knowing that he is possibly with someone else? Or moving back in with your mom for a while and later finding a man who can give you what you want?

Sometimes we forget about our choices and our happiness just because we are used to being with someone. Habits are hard to break but I think you really need to do some soul searching and realize what it is that you want (it may not be him, but the idea of him) vs. what he actually willing to give. Just because you want it to be monogamous doesn't mean that he does-- so where is your happiness?

February 11, 2011 - 8:26am
Hippichick

Alison - thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me. He and I had a LOUD discussion on this when he stormed into the house and threw his wedding ring at me. Lol. It has turned out for the best. I am hopeful that this most recent situation will bring around good results. I learned that there are certain aspects that I do not need to involve myself in. I will trust him to have the privacy he desires and trust in my instincts that it is the best way to handle it. It is all I can do, because otherwise I would be throwing away my marriage of something that most likely stems from my insecurities.

I believe that if you get angry at the words that someone says in order to help you, and you really think about them, it is because there is some truth to it. I can take the truth! Thank you again. Many blessings!!

March 1, 2010 - 4:56pm
Hippichick

The funny thing is, we just started counseling on friday. He called a while ago and we got into it on the phone. I told him I wanted to see his phone and have access to his email for 24 hours and he got mad and told me we were done. He told me he would not be bullied. He also said that I was uninteresting to him with my attitude and my weight (my weight is due to the anti-depressants that i am on because i can't handle all of his drama). I don't know what to do.

February 28, 2010 - 3:27pm
Alison Beaver (reply to Hippichick)

This does sound frustrating. I'm so sorry. From an outsider's perspective, here are my two cents:

1. He told you that "we are done". Did he mean this with actions that he is intending to follow through on, or did he say this out of anger as a threat to end the conversation? If he is done, and does not want to continue counseling, you may still want to continue counseling yourself. If he is not done, and said it out of anger, then he is also using "bullying" techniques and the counselor can definitely help you two in the area of "fair fighting" and "communication".
2. Your husband has go to know that you do not trust him, and you have got to know that your husband is angry and frustrated by this. Asking to see his phone would result in him being mad; I'm sure you predicted that. He could also have predicted that you would want to see his phone/email since he has not gained your trust. Both of these are obvious actions-and-responses, and a counselor can help both of you choose better behaviors in the first place.
3. Him telling you that you are "uninteresting" because of your attitude and weight. That is very hurtful, and harmful, and perhaps was said out of anger that he later regretted. Or, perhaps he is really uninterested in you at the moment. He brought on some of this "attitude" that you undoubtedly have, due to his actions (he had to of known his actions would create specific reactions from you that would not have been pleasant...to say the least!). Anytime weight is brought into the equation, I think that's a cop-out and harmful; I assume he has some physical flaws as well that are unappealing, as ALL people do, and these have nothing to do with the bigger picture of both of your gaining trust, respect, happiness and creating a loving environment.

Both of you have to be willing and able to go through counseling for longer period of time than just one session, and to want to work on your relationship in a positive and healthy manner. He needs to rise to the occasion and not bully you, not act like a child; you will have to learn how to trust him, not bully him either, not play the victim... there are all kinds of roles that you are both falling into (not blaming, as you have every right to feel awful, because it is an awful situation that can be resolved with time).

I hope this helps somewhat, at least to validate your feelings, and to empower you to take the high road and not take on his hurtful words. If counseling is going to work, it has to be with your heart wide open, and you may get hurt, or it may work out. You are not able to control what your husband's heart wants to do, or what his anger responses are, but you can gently tell him that you are trying to trust him, and would appreciate being treated with respect...and you will do the same for him.

Please let us know how you are doing. You said you don't know what to do, but what do you think your options are?

February 28, 2010 - 6:34pm
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