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Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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ask: I think my husband is addicted to porn...

I am 29, been married for three years, and have two beautiful children. Over the course of the six years my husband and I have been together, I have found numerous emails to other women, pornographic movies and magazines, and a computer history of him visiting pornographic sites. Recently, I even found a phone number on our cell phone bill, called it, and it turned out to be a girl. I confronted him and he said, "I'll fix it". He said he met her after work in the parking lot. A friend of someone he works with. A bunch of them went out to Applebees after work and since then he had been calling her every so often. He said nothing happened physically, it was someone to talk to and give him attention. After I had my two children(within two years of each other), I had put on a good sixty pounds. I have tried numerous times, unsuccessfully, to get the weight off. He tells me that he still is attracted to me and loves me just the way I am. He is very supportive in getting me motivated to work out and such, but what else would he do or say? He would never tell me that I'm fat and he is disgusted by me(even if that were the truth). He has been deployed twice to Iraq and suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which he is currently getting help for. We are in marriage counseling as well. I confronted him about the porn on the computer and he said he would get help and got rid of the computer. He knows I don't like porn in the house. I think it's digusting. We haven't had sex for 7 months. He won't initiate or touch me and turns me down when I initiate. He can, however, get off when watching porn. He recently came back from military training in Germany and I found numerous porn videos and mags in his backpack. I broke all the videos and ripped up all the magazines. I am upset because while he was over there he asked me to wire him money cause he had run out. He bought my daughter a $7.00 doll, my son a $5.00 train, and over $100.00 in porn. What scares me even more is that the porn videos are now getting more intense. He had a dominatrix one with a women who's mouth was wired open in order for the men to stick their penis in it. I don't understand what is wrong with me? Why is porn so much more important to him than me? I have threatened to leave him over it, which I thought he understood, but he keeps on buying it...not to mention, he doesn't go to any length to hide it.
Is it time for an ultimatum? I need advice on what to do? Thank you.

Add a Comment17 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

thank you susan for your post i just have alot of things running through my head i am 23 and he is 22 we are still very young but i have never felt this way about a man in my life and i think the 2 biggest reasons of why i havent left yet is 1. i have no income no transportatoin and im basically relying on him for everything and 2. are my children my lil guy is still to young yetbut i also have a 3 year old that is not his that absolutley adores him and i guess and his father ran out on him so he knows him as dad. It kills me to think of how heartbroken he will be its breaking my heart. and ppd i know for a fact that i struggle with that and know that it is only making it worse dealing with the things my fiance is putting me through i feel as if im trying so hard to make it work and he is basically just here and he thinks i should just know that he loves me i just reall dont think he is really thinking about the damage he has done not only the porn but there has been several occasions i have cought him on dating websites and on craigslist and tlking to other females i just really wish i could find some way to get it through his head how much it is hurting me and im sorry im just rambling but i really just need outsides opions other then family and friends

May 1, 2012 - 11:49am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

ive never felt so downgraded and so low it is me and my fiances anniversay and instead of making love to me i hear him in the bathroom masterbating and he thinks im stupid he has told me he thinks he is addicted to porn but fails to even make a effort to get help i just had his first son on may22,2012 and it seems like the only time we have slept together is when we went out and had a few drinks or he wakes up at wee hours of the night to sleep with me and now that i know about his addiction and he has brought my self esteem so low when he does that i feel as if he just had a dream of him having sex with someone and im the closest thing for him to bang it is destroying me and any women who has had children can back me up on how low you feel after you have them i mean i have stretch marks and i feel like i look disgusting anymore i just wish men knew how much they affect us when they do things like this please someone help me i feel like im loosing controll on everything!!!!

May 1, 2012 - 10:55am
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If your fiance won't get help, there isn't much you can do. If you have discussed getting help, or he simply refuses to, then you need to make future plans for yourself and baby without waiting for him to stop his behaviors and actions. 

Don't put up with this!  You need to get strong and make plans for building a good life for yourself. It is hard having children and getting your body back but this shouldn't stop you from living your life.

Think about therapy for yourself, to gain back your self-esteem -it's a good idea! But trying to fix a man who doesn't care one way or the other just won't work.

Get well again for your sake and your baby's! Anon, you may be suffering from post-partum depression. Please talk to your doctor about this. PPD can be made worse by your fiance's behavior. Your doctor can help you with therapy and possible medication if you do, in fact, have it. Join a new mom group and make a life for yourself. Get a job if you can and start becoming independent. Don't allow him to make your life miserable - you have a child now, it's time to be strong, resilient and get help for yourself and baby.

It will be tough going but if you have family - ask for their support too. This isn't your fault but you need help. Therapy and help from friends and family will help you get and stay strong.  Start making plans today - it may take time but you can do it, I promise! Talk with your family and make an appointment to see your doctor. You need to be both physically and mentally healthy to get strong again. Please stay in touch with us!

Best,

~Susan

May 1, 2012 - 11:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Your comment that you haven't had sex for 7 months and turns you down when you initiate sex is a clear sign that yes your husband is addicted to porn. The problem with porn addiction is that it's harder than cocaine to break free from, and it's degenerative in nature. Ironically speaking, your husband really needs you and needs to be really loved to his core. He is afraid of his emotions and is afraid to feel. There's only so much you can do to help him out, but he has to see this for himself.

April 16, 2010 - 11:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Men becoming aroused by naked women is not a big thing. Keeping secrets and lying to look at these things while married is a big deal! I have tried so many times to create a better sex life and kept on thinking it was my own looks or self esteem getting in the way. Finding out my husband replaces our sex life with porn damages my self esteem even more. I am no replacement for what he can see on the internet and it is much easier for him to live in this fantasy world. It is so disrespectful and insulting to the person trying to feel passionate love and never really getting it. I know I am an attractive woman and am appreciated by men every day with looks or comments. It is something else. Where to go from here?

December 4, 2009 - 8:38pm
Pat Elliott (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon - You've made many excellent points.

I can't tell if you're asking a question, or just making a comment when you say "Where to go from here?" If you're seeking information or resources we'd be happy to help. Can you write back and let us know?

Thanks, Pat

December 5, 2009 - 1:21pm
Rosa Cabrera RN

Dear Mainer79,

Thank you for posting your question. Personally, I think there's a bigger issue here than whether or not he is addicted to porn. Based on what you have written, he is addicted to sex. Being addicted to porn means he's watching porn excessively but he not only does this you have also found phone numbers and e-mails to other women. Are you okay with this? I just want to make clear that I am not judging you, to each its own but if you have a problem with him watching porn the bigger problem at hand is clearly being ignored. Him "taking care of it" is not the answer, the girls phone number should not have been there in the first place.

It's ok to watch porn and masturbate, but when things he does begin to affect your lives together then there is more help needed.

Good Luck

September 22, 2009 - 6:04am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

To all you guys out there that are doing this stuff to your wives and girlfriends . You don't realize how fast she can kick you to the curb and leave. You will find yourself alone with nothing but your internet babes and masterbation to fill the void .I should know because i am that man now . Think about it .

September 21, 2009 - 5:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

men will never realize just what a big deal it is i have the same problem and sadley it has just gotten worse over the last 7 years i wake up every time knowing he is out there watching that and not with me that he is keeping the kids in there room and away from him to watch it so like all addictions it will only stop if he wants it to and gets help

September 9, 2009 - 10:41am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I completely agree! And another thing they don't realize is how differently they treat the person they are with if they can have sexual relations with them after all of those trashy woman flitting across the screen... My husband has gradually gotten rougher and rougher. I don't think he is satisfied with the fantasy anymore! It is like he is trying to relive the porn videos with me! Do you have any idea how completely frustrating it is to actually make love and instead get you hair pulled so hard some of it falls out? (We haven't made love in over a year...) I don't even like having sex with my husband anymore, because he treats me like those woman on his videos. I tried to talk to him about it and he said there wasn't a problem. I tried again and he swore he's stop. Now I find out he has been looking at it every time my back is turned; he is just deleting the history. Please tell me there is something that can been done....

June 7, 2010 - 5:48am
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