i am 21 years old.i had sex with my boy friend last month.this is the first time i had sex and i dont have any knowledge about having sex.i was not likely to do sex with him because i wanted to be a virgin until our marriage but i had to do sex because of my boy friend's force.while doing sex i didnt even stretch my legs too wide.i didnt even understand whether his stick went into my vagina n tore my virginity layer or not.we just had sex for 5 to 10 minutes.after dat i had slight pain in my vagina are for nearly half an hour or so and then i was totally normal.after a few days i got urinary infection.is this infection due to having sex or is it normal?i got my periods also as usual for 32 days.now my question is i dont know whether we had sex properly and whether i lost my virginity or not.now i wanna know whether i am still a virgin or not.how can i know
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Wonder Girl
From what I am reading, you did not "have sex". You were raped. If you had sex unwillingly and a man forced you to, this is rape. Not only is this illegal, you also need to go to the hospital for a health check. You should also seek counseling so that you can deal with this properly.
Who can you go to about this? Do you have a sister/mother/aunt or good friend who can help you? Your boyfriend had no legal or moral right to force you to do anything and a police report needs to be filed.
Just because a man is your boyfriend or friend or husband (or someone you know), it does not mean he can force sex on you. When any man, no matter who he is, forces you to have sex, he needs to be arrested and punished and you need to be cared for.
You did nothing wrong! You did not ask for anything and you had no choices.
Where do you live? Are in the United States?
Please stay away from this man until you have received help and legal matters have begun. He is not your "friend" and he does not love you. To do what he did is not his right and he did not do it out of love.
Whether you are a virgin or not is of no consequence right now. Please don't focus on what others or your society will think - you need good care and help now.
This is important : Make sure the person you talk to can help you and not in anyway will believe that somehow you are to blame. You need someone who correctly believes that what happened was a crime and that you need both physical and emotional care.
Please let me know where you live and we will help you further.
July 24, 2009 - 7:49amThis Comment
Dear Wonder Girl,
I am so glad that you found the website and that you posted your question here. You are such a brave woman to share your story with us. From reading your story, I had the same reaction as Susan C. I don't believe you "had sex" either; I believe you were raped.
I am concerned about you and I want to help you very much, but in order to give you the best possible advice I really need to know what country you live in. Could you please write back and let us know where you live? Is the fact that you may no longer be a virgin a main concern of women where you live? We are all here for you and will help you out as best we can. Big hugs to you, Michelle
July 24, 2009 - 11:39amWonder Girl-
I just want to reiterate the advice that Susan has given you. You did not have sex with someone who you wanted to have sex with, you were raped and forced into having unwanted sex. No matter what, any form of sex that is not consensual (meaning that BOTH of you wanted to AND chose to do) is rape.
At this point the most important thing to do is get help and get out. Go to anyone that you can trust and ask them to help you. Press charges, get medical attention and explain your situation when you go.
Nothing you did was wrong, you were scared and rightfully so.
Please, please keep us updated.
July 24, 2009 - 11:42amHi wondergirl, Thanks for taking the time to write us and I also agree with the comments above. If you are in the United States, I would follow the great advice the other women have shared about contacting the authorities.
If you are not in the United States, I wanted to share some resources with you from the International Center for Research on Women which works on behalf of women's rights in several countries. They should be able to assist you with resources and provide guidance on the best way to handle the situation specific to your location, which may or may not include contacting the authorities.
Here is their information:
International Center for Research on Women
1120 20th St. N.W.
Suite 500 North
Washington, D.C. 20036
Phone: (202) 797-0007
Fax: (202) 797-0020
E-mail: info@icrw.org
Asia Regional Office
C – 139 Defence Colony
New Delhi – 110024
India
http://www.icrw.org/asia
Phone : 91-11-2465-4216
Fax : 91-11-2463-5142
E-mail: info.india@icrw.org
Project Office
International Center for Research on Women
361, 1st Floor
East Marredpally
Secunderabad 500026
Andhra Pradesh, India
Phone: 91-40-6590-6252
E-mail: nandu@icrwindia.org
Project Office
International Center for Research on Women
101-102, Ist Floor, C – Wing, Mangalmurti Complex,
Chikuwadi, Mankhurd,
Mumbai, India – 400043.
P: 91-22–25505-718 & 19
Project office
International Center for Research on Women
Plot 7 Wampewo Ave.
P.O. Box 7280
Kampala, Uganda
Phone: 256 41-345591
Fax: 256 41-345602
E-mail: XMahlalela@icrw.org
U.S. Contact: Linda Sussman
You may also find information contained in this article helpful as well.
If your country is not listed here, please let us know where you live and we will do whatever we can to find further resources for you. You have our support here. Hope to hear back from you soon.
July 24, 2009 - 2:47pmhi,where i live i should stay virgin until my marriage night.But me and my fiance we had sex.and we were thinking that i should have the layer back before our wedding night (traditional reasons). so is there any way i can have this Virginity layer back??
January 17, 2011 - 4:49amHi Anon
Thanks for your question!
There is no such thing as a "virginity layer" - it doesn't exist. It was made up in order to frighten women into not having sex. This "layer" is actually the hymen (a thin layer of tissue), which is present in most girls and women (some girls are born without it) until it breaks for any number of reasons. Biking, horse-riding, gymnastics, even dance could remove it. So can having sex but in truth, many females will have lost their hymen before they have sex.
It does not "grow back" so this will not be the case for your wedding. Once you lose your virginity, it's gone. But since this was willingly done by your future husband and you, then you can both remain private about things. Traditional or not, these cultural aspects of marriage are medically and biologically incorrect and stem from women being referred to as property, instead of human beings. I'm not asking you to ignore your traditions as I think traditions can be wonderful but when it comes to this issue, it's a false premise.
I wish you the best and encourage you and your husband to remain private and united on this issue.
Have a wonderful wedding and our best to you,
January 17, 2011 - 1:15pmSusan
Hello ,
June 15, 2011 - 9:58pmI read above Questions and Answers.
I am having sex with my bf for past 4 years. Even i Got Pregnant and Got abortion after 3 months.This happened two years Before. I used to do sex twice a week. We stay a night and do sex 3 times. Now, I got break up with my BF and I am thinking about future.
My Question is: If my parents get me married after 3 years in future. and will my Husband know I had sex before.
Please Answer the Question considering All the situation, My size of Vagina, Changes after 3 years in future, 4 yeas Sex, Abortion 2 year before, No layer....
I am Waiting for ur Reply...
Hi Anon
Thanks for your post!
No-one is going to know you had sex or an abortion - there are no outward signs of this. As I said above - there is no such thing as a virginity "layer" - although many people in many cultures believe this. It's not true.
If you are going to profess to be a virgin, you are lying to your new husband about this as well as being pregnant before - this is not a good thing.
However, I get the impression that you are living in a country where you could be punished (very badly) for not being a virgin, is this correct? Are you scared of getting into serious trouble if your past is made known? Please be careful!
I look forward to hearing back from you!
June 21, 2011 - 9:42am~Susan