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I've been married for 6 years and together for 7. I already have a five year old at school and am now expecting our second (unexpected) with not long to go. The trouble is that I feel that I've made all the sacrifices in this relationship and it's starting to be clear to me that my needs and wishes will never be met due to being with someone who makes very little compromise. Perhaps I wouldn't go as far as saying he's a narcissist but he is very "self referenced".
When we met we were both musicians playing in different bands. I met him when his band came through on your to a venue where I frequently played. We had an intense connection and were mad for each other right out of the gate. The second time he saw me he revealed that he indeed had a girl friend he lived with in the UK (I'm from the west coast of the US) and my first reaction was to let him go. He pleaded with me that he was deeply unhappy and already gearing to break up with her when he got back from tour. His band mates vouched for him that this wasn't his usual behaviour and I agreed to wait for him until he settled things back home. He did as he promised and the next year we were engaged to be married. I married him and agreed to leave my Life in the US behind so he could persue his career a little further. (They got a bit of a break) but we fell pregnant right away and I was pregnant with our daughter waiting for my visa to come through and just at 5 months traveled to England to live with him. We never hammered out exactly what we were going to do. I had wanted to finish my degree and persue my own dreams. I was really concerned that I would end up being a sad lonely tour widow and he promised me that it wouldn't be like that. He would tell me that we could travel together and make it an adventure in our lives. Also, that seeing this through for a bit might mean affording a life where I could live in California part of the time. (None of this ever happened) I had faith that I was with someone who would make my needs as much of a priority as I make his. In the end I put 6 years of my life on hold. I could barely afford to go back once a year and more like a year and a half. Money picked up but I have very few friends and virtually no support with bringing up my daughter. And now I have spent so much of this pregnancy alone trying to do everything for a five year old going to school. I've been unlucky in that it's been a hard pregnancy (blood pressure issues) and in the last few months I have developed PGP and it's been debilitating so I can barely get around and end up in agony all night. It's been a spiral as coping with this has also triggered a serious depression. I have sought out help on my end but it was costing us money he didn't think we could afford. He has been on tour the majority of 4 months solid and began going away a little before that. I expressed that I couldn't cope anymore without help the more pregnant I get and he agreed to take these last couple of weeks off by getting a stand in. I'm close to my due date now and I felt relieved and thought that maybe we could work this out if we see a therapist and learn to communicate better but he got a message saying the stand in never got his visa sorted and now my husband in gone again for the next two weeks. I feel so let down. It's devastating. My family back home are not very well off and can't afford to come here to help. It would cost thousands. It's hard for me to talk about this with people back home because they are so far away I feel bad just drowning them in my problems the times we get to catch up. I would normally confide in a close friend or family member (I rely on extended family and a brother as I have no parents) but I have none here. That's why I have come here to ask for advice. Because I am desperate to stop being so sad and lonely and maybe get my life back but leaving the father of my two children, whom I do love despite all this and had it solidly in my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with, is more than I feel I have the courage to do.
I feel there is so much to detail but I will leave it there in hopes that some advice can be offered to help me. He is a bit in denial of himself and gets really pedantic when we argue masking our real problems....I can't see my way out if this other than leaving him. I'm not sure I even want him as a birthing partner as he hasn't been there for me and I feel resentment.
Pregnant and my life is a mess,
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Hi, After reading your post I could see so many similairities in our marriages. I had already written a long reply to you explaining them and my long and lonely pregnancy but apperently I hit some key on my keyboard and I think it was deleted but if it wasn't then you will understand why I have replied twice. First, I want you to underdstand that I am not tryin g to compare our marriges or who has it worse or what is right or wrong. I just want to through out a few thoughts. I know you said that you were both masicians when you met and I think you also mentioned that you didn't plan the first pregnancy so maybe that changed your plans for the future that you were going to share wiith him. Now you have been given the role as a home maker and a stay at home mom. Is that correct? Ok, that's what I'm going with here. Anyway our hubands do sound alike in that they are both commited to us and their family even thou they do seem selfish at times. Also they both don't bother with drugs and staying out drinking. So just consider those things as very important. Are you and your husband very close as far as friends go? That is very important in a marriage. Just please know that I am speaking with the experiance of being married for 22 years this week. However, during my high risk pregnancy, I felt very alone and thought my husband was very selfish during that time and I still do. I did think very seriously about leaving him then. We were married 2 years at that time. If I had left him I could financially support my child and myself without his help so that wasn't an issue. I thought about what I did love about him and considered what it would be like without him in my life and possibly our childs. I very much doubted that he wouldn't still be a part of his childs life though. Even though he was really bad at supporting me emotionally throught my very hard pregnancy, he made it very clear how excited he was about being a father. I also wondered if I would ever meet someone who I could get along with so well and if I could fall in love with anyone else the way I love him. Another thing I thought about was how I would feel seeing him date other women or even getting married again and how these events would affect our child. I grew up without a father so I really wanted my child to have a father in his life. I really wanted him to have his mother and father to be together in his life. So through out the years, when my husband would do something so selfish or unmeaningly hurt my feelings I would think about all of these things. I'm sure that you are aware of the statistics in marriage and divorces, right? I think it was like 50% of marriages end in divorce back in the 90's. I'm not sure what they are now but that told me that marrige would take a lot of work in order to survive and that I would have to be willing to shoulder that fight for the sake of my marriage. We have definatly had our ups and downs, probably more downs then ups but either way I just know that I have made the right choice every time I thought about leaving him. We are best friends. Even though he doesn't always love me the way I want him to and even though I feel like I put more into our marriage then he does most of the time, I do believe he loves me the best he knows how to love me and that I can't expect him to love me my way. He might even belive that he puts more into our marriage then I do at times. Marriage is hard, that is almost guerenteed. But at the end of the day I am still more happy with him then I think I would be without him. So those are just some thoughts that I want to throw out there for you. I don't know you or if you have already considered the things I have written about. But we are not guerenteed a perfect love or a perfect life so... another thought just came to my mind. Do you believe that you can ever love someone as much as you love him? Even if you do, you don 't know that you will ever meet someone else. So do you want to leave this relationship enough to face living a single life. If you do meet someone else there is still the children to consider. You need to be able to trust this person with the lives of the kids. It sure is a lot to consider. Just make sure that y.ou do. Feelings can really get in the way sometimes, lol. Seriously though I do hope that you can find a way to get through this difficult time. At the end of your pregnancy you are going to have another beautiful baby and I do hope the best for your family. Please, if you want to talk to me do not hesitate to message me on here. Good Luck.
July 2, 2016 - 2:49pmThis Comment
Hello and welcome to Empower,
I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I can understand how depressing and difficult your life must feel right now and I'd love to give you some advice.
Since your baby is coming very soon, there are a few things to consider. Do you believe you can leave your husband and find a comfortable living situation to have your baby in just one month? If so, you can try to leave your husband before the baby comes. However, I believe that it's little unrealistic if you do not have the funds, or a place already set up. You need to be relaxing and preparing for the baby during the last month of pregnancy, not trying to unroot your life.
With that said, I suggest that you hold on until the baby comes. After the baby is born, you will be very busy, and although you want to move on as soon as possible, you should go at the right pace for your children as well. Right now, you have a home and a certain measure of financial stability, that alone is worth staying with your husband for the time being.
After you feel healthy and the hectic days after having an infant slow down a bit, start creating an exit plan if your husband is still basically absent.
Do not tell your husband of your plans. First prepare where you will go. Decide if you want a divorce before or after leaving? Getting alimony will help you support your children on your own. Ask your family for suggestions. Are you ready to leave your husband or do you believe there is a solution? Keep in mind, that although your husband seems self-absorbed, it sounds like he really loves you and your daughter. The nature of his work however, will always keep him alway from you. So, in the end, if his behavior does change, you still have to face being without him most of the time. You must decided if you can live with that or not. Because whether you had kids or not, he would still go on tours.
Keep us posted through the process if you have any more questions.
June 5, 2016 - 12:08pmAll the best,
Faith
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