I've been married for 6 years and together for 7. I already have a five year old at school and am now expecting our second (unexpected) with not long to go. The trouble is that I feel that I've made all the sacrifices in this relationship and it's starting to be clear to me that my needs and wishes will never be met due to being with someone who makes very little compromise. Perhaps I wouldn't go as far as saying he's a narcissist but he is very "self referenced".
When we met we were both musicians playing in different bands. I met him when his band came through on your to a venue where I frequently played. We had an intense connection and were mad for each other right out of the gate. The second time he saw me he revealed that he indeed had a girl friend he lived with in the UK (I'm from the west coast of the US) and my first reaction was to let him go. He pleaded with me that he was deeply unhappy and already gearing to break up with her when he got back from tour. His band mates vouched for him that this wasn't his usual behaviour and I agreed to wait for him until he settled things back home. He did as he promised and the next year we were engaged to be married. I married him and agreed to leave my Life in the US behind so he could persue his career a little further. (They got a bit of a break) but we fell pregnant right away and I was pregnant with our daughter waiting for my visa to come through and just at 5 months traveled to England to live with him. We never hammered out exactly what we were going to do. I had wanted to finish my degree and persue my own dreams. I was really concerned that I would end up being a sad lonely tour widow and he promised me that it wouldn't be like that. He would tell me that we could travel together and make it an adventure in our lives. Also, that seeing this through for a bit might mean affording a life where I could live in California part of the time. (None of this ever happened) I had faith that I was with someone who would make my needs as much of a priority as I make his. In the end I put 6 years of my life on hold. I could barely afford to go back once a year and more like a year and a half. Money picked up but I have very few friends and virtually no support with bringing up my daughter. And now I have spent so much of this pregnancy alone trying to do everything for a five year old going to school. I've been unlucky in that it's been a hard pregnancy (blood pressure issues) and in the last few months I have developed PGP and it's been debilitating so I can barely get around and end up in agony all night. It's been a spiral as coping with this has also triggered a serious depression. I have sought out help on my end but it was costing us money he didn't think we could afford. He has been on tour the majority of 4 months solid and began going away a little before that. I expressed that I couldn't cope anymore without help the more pregnant I get and he agreed to take these last couple of weeks off by getting a stand in. I'm close to my due date now and I felt relieved and thought that maybe we could work this out if we see a therapist and learn to communicate better but he got a message saying the stand in never got his visa sorted and now my husband in gone again for the next two weeks. I feel so let down. It's devastating. My family back home are not very well off and can't afford to come here to help. It would cost thousands. It's hard for me to talk about this with people back home because they are so far away I feel bad just drowning them in my problems the times we get to catch up. I would normally confide in a close friend or family member (I rely on extended family and a brother as I have no parents) but I have none here. That's why I have come here to ask for advice. Because I am desperate to stop being so sad and lonely and maybe get my life back but leaving the father of my two children, whom I do love despite all this and had it solidly in my heart that I would spend the rest of my life with, is more than I feel I have the courage to do.
It wasn't obvious that he is so self referenced in the beginning. He isn't a bad apple. I felt attracted to him because he would help little old ladies across the street and he goes to great lengths to help his friends. But over the years little things have really made me realise how skewed our relationship is. As an example, I have spent some time getting things together for the new baby on EBay. If you look at my account its full of things for the baby and the house. If you look at his it's all recoding equipment he wants. When he is home he is planted to his phone looking at things of interest to him. I don't feel that we are preparing together, and in fact quite disconnected in this pregnancy. I rely on my 5 year old to share the excitement of having a new baby. Other things are just as small but mean a lot like he puts minimal effort into birthdays, anniversaries, and only once on Mother's Day after I complained that it hurts my feelings. If I don't p,an it and prod him it doesn't happen. But it's not universal. He has gone out of his way to get friends extravagant presents for friends and has put himself right out there for his band. Of course he deny's all this. And it gets turned around on me in a fiery defensive spat. So I just avoid it now.....on the flipside, when he is home he focuses a lot of attention in my daughter and is very loving to her. I appreciate that he is a good parent, I don't have to deal with drugs and alcohol being a problem although he does go out with friends from time to time which is fine. Can be annoying if he goes out for drinks on tour when I am stuck at home with screaming baby or pregnant with small child....but not the main issue.
I feel there is so much to detail but I will leave it there in hopes that some advice can be offered to help me. He is a bit in denial of himself and gets really pedantic when we argue masking our real problems....I can't see my way out if this other than leaving him. I'm not sure I even want him as a birthing partner as he hasn't been there for me and I feel resentment.
Pregnant and my life is a mess,
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