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Infidelity in the Military

By Anonymous October 25, 2008 - 3:09pm
 
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With so many men and women deployed, is it fair to the spouse that is left at home? Is it fair to flirt while your loved one is away for so long? It is human nature, isn’t it?

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I think that human never to the that love have in their think in this world.

January 14, 2011 - 9:30am
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Anonymous

I've been married for eleven years, been a military spouse just as long and we have three children together. We have had NO serious issues as a married couple in the past. Both of us are happy, loving and playful with each other, even after all these years! I am a stay at home mom, an A+ cook, housewife, mother, all of it....He recently got back from his third deployment (six months, shortest so far) and after around 4 weeks of him being home I find out he had an affair with a co worker THE WHOLE DEPLOYMENT.......i'm struggling so hard to deal with this after all of the sacrifices I have made for this man. Don't get me wrong, he still wants to be with me and thus far has done EVERYTHING in his power to make it right. However, the betrayal is soooo over the top, that i don't know how to make my feelings go away. I found emails (that's how I found out) in a email account that he accidently left open one morning. The details of there love making and the quality of time they spent together is like no other pain I could ever explain. He stopped all contact with her, but she was desperate and even made fake facebook pages to try to get to him. I know for sure he isn't in contact with her now I have access to all of his accounts.He loves me so very much and would do anything to go back and change it all. It's just so hard to get passed and it's changed everything for me. I don't feel like he's my hero anymore:( The honor and respect are gone. His infidelity isn't because I didn't meet his emotional needs like everyone says has to happen for an affair to accur! I meet his needs and then some..........he was just deployed and selfish (if that even makes sense)..We spoke on the phone at least twice aday and skyped on the weekends. He got packages, pictures, gifts etc..........I've always stayed clear of arguments while he's deployed so that we both feel good about each other when our conversations are over. So.....can anyone explain why this happen to me or is anyone in the same predicament?

December 9, 2010 - 11:35am
(reply to Anonymous)

Thank you for your honesty...I am a military wife of 14 years and my husband returned 6 mnths ago from his third deployment also. I never in a million years worried about infidelity, never. We love each other, are loving and kind and I took all the necessary steps to make sure he knew he was loved and missed while he was gone. I found love letters and photos in his tote after they arrived a month after him. It helped so much to know I am not alone, to know that it is normal to feel as though, even though they are trying to make it right and love you, that I am forever changed. It's 2 a.m. and he's sleeping while I am looking for help online. Do you feel as I do that how could a female in the military do this to an Army wife (in my case), like they should have more respect? This went on for the entire year and I found out later they never once used protection, stupid careless things that I can't wrap my head around. I wasn't able to have his children (her getting pregnant would have killed me) and know that deployments are much harder for those with kids,as are the issues after infidelity but I can't seem to get past this and it's starting to envelop me and stop all the good parts that he's tried to bring back unnoticeable. I'm no longer me...kind of the 9/11 of my marriage.

January 14, 2011 - 12:53am
(reply to TryingHard)

So it's been 7 months since I found out about my husbands deployment affair (I posted anonymously about my eleven year marriage, three kids....etc.) I was interested to find out how you and your husband were doing. I spent many many nights awake at 2am thinking, reliving, wondering......just endlessly trapped in my brain. It took me a really long time to come to terms with this. If it wasn't for his remorse and endless dedication to making things right i would have raped him for all he's worth! My morales run deep and to be so completely dedicated to a man for so long and then to be so brutally lied to is REALLY hard for me. But i can surely say the light is getting brighter at the end of the tunnel. He's currently away right now at NCOA and that's been a little bit of a struggle for me but we are making it through. Lots of praying for me and a whole lot of self help books. I read alot about the anatomy of an affair and that helped me to understand why he held on even after he came home. It's not cause he was so in love with her, it was because he felt bad for her and sorry for what he did to her too. Which he should! And another thing i realized is when he's laying sound asleep in bed and im awake thinking, he's comfortable, happy and right where he wants to be. That's why he's sleeping. He's not laying there missing that other woman, he's moved on. Done with it and ready to repair his marriage. The military is full of infidelity, swingers, sexting etc....stuff that people justify for the sake of "attention"! It racks my brain how quickly people (Husband AND wives) will break their marriage vows.

April 3, 2011 - 9:05pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I am so sorry this happened to you! Are you both interested in going to marriage counseling, as it could help improve the bitterness and sad feelings, as well as offer some insight as to they "why" behind his actions.

December 9, 2010 - 11:55am

You know, I think there has to be a door open for infidelity to occur, whether someone is away on a short business trip or whether they're deployed to fight in the war. Plenty of people have been unfaithful in their everyday lives; on the other hand, plenty of people have been faithful the entire time they are deployed.

There's no comparison to how hard the deployment is to endure. I have friends who were journalists during the Vietnam War and they say that while you are over there, with death a possibility every day, it sharpens your senses and sometimes makes you engage in risky behavior -- sort of a "I'm already at war, what could this hurt?" kind of attitude.

When they were over there, though, there were no computers, there was no email, there were no cell phones. It has to be so much easier for separated couples and families to stay in touch just because they can hear each other's voices, read each other's thoughts, see pictures of what the kids are doing at home, and so on. And maybe that cuts down on some of the loneliness on both sides.

I think, in the end, maybe it all comes down to how committed a person is to the vows they took. If they didn't take them seriously, if that door is open for cheating, it could happen right under a person's nose just as easily as it could happen halfway across the world.

October 27, 2008 - 8:38am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

Ok ummmm WOW are you kidding me?? Please say your joking because that is the most ignorant thing iv heard in my life!!! FIRST of all you have absolutely ZERO right to compare 1955 to 2010!!! No, there were not computers and email and pictures and phones BECAUSE most of those things were NOT around yet!!! Secondly back then it was a little more common for a married couple to be seperated for weeks at a time and not just military families but ALL families due to hunting food or working far from the home ect. To break it down for you this means that society back then didn't live in the electronic era and therefor did not know what they were missing because there was nothing to be missed and going weeks on end without seeing your loved one was not such an uncommon thing in those days. So for you to actually sit here and say that "it has to be much easier for separated couples and familes" is just plain ridiculous because we grew up in an era of technology and it is something we know and are quite use to and I promise you IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT HAVING YOUR HUSBAND DEPLOYED FOR 8 MONTHS ANY EASIER AT ALL!!!!! Furthermore now a days we have cars that can get us from one coast to the other in less than a week, trains and buses even less time than that, and airplanes and boats that can do it in a matter of hours, so therefor again we are in a different time than 1955 and unless you are a military family you prob wont be away from your significant other for more than the average business trip making it harder to accept and deal with long deploys. Beyon that I am fascinated by the fact that you say, "I think there has to be a door open for infidelity to occur", as if it were perfectly acceptable and permissible. What on earth gives ANYONE the idea that it is OK to cheat, and FYI my definition of cheat is as little as a thought or flirt to the obvious sexual intercourse so we are absolutely clear, on there spouse AT ALL much less when they are away PROTECTING YOU AND ME AND SAVING OUR COUNTRY!?!?!?! You should look up the terms homewrecker, divorce, and immoral thoughts and behaviors and you might be surprised to find your name along with whoever asked the, "second most ignorant thing I have heard in my life", question of whether a little innocent flirting was ok while her husband was on deployment. Which BTW the answer to that is NO also because ANY KIND of "Innocent FLIRTING" is NOT INNOCENT at all!! My Goodness what kind of world do we live in today. My husband is deployed with The United States Navy right now and while yes there are many Navy wives who would cheat on their deployed spouses, I would not even give the idea a first thought much less a second. I have an AMAZING and WONDERFUL husband and THAT IS WHY I SAID I DO.......because I meant I DO. If you want to cheat you should have NEVER said I do. Oh yeah and Im sure this thought has prob never crossed your mind either, 2 WRONGS DO NOT MAKE A RIGHT so if your spouse has cheated on you then sorry but that DOES NOT make it morally right for you to even the score!! It does however give you the right to serve his/her sorry a$$ with divorce papers.

July 3, 2010 - 6:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Emotional much. You have a right to some, but we have a right to suggest you take a chill pill. I'm going to have to say that yes, modern technology does make it easier to deal with people being away. My grandmother for instance, commenting that during WWII you had to wait two whole weeks for mail to arrive or to see the person's name in the casualty lists in the newspaper to find out how a loved one or friend was doing overseas, and then wait longer for the response. As opposed to calling someone on the phone a world away or using the power of the internet. Not to mention the ease of evacuating someone back to the USA in 48 hrs if something happens or the fact that back in the day you were in for the duration, not just a year's tour.

Now as far as a thought or a smile being cheating, you or your spouse has never ever thought anyone else was sexy or gave them a smile. Wowwwww.

And the open door thing, yeah, I do believe that was a comment saying that someone has to be not committed to have that open door in the first place. If people are committed then there isn't the space. Or they could just have fucked up, under stress and stupidity. You know, because people are human. Not condoning, just an observation.

But robots on the other hand ...

Anyhow, if this weren't entertaining me I'd say I was wasting time, lost on a corner of the internet, looking for ? I forgot already. I hope you and your family are well and stay well.

February 25, 2011 - 7:42pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Relax Anonymous! geez..and "hunting for food"..seriously??!! It was the 50's not the Stone Age..

September 29, 2010 - 1:29pm
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