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Is it normal to be in a relationship where sex is practically non-existent?

By February 15, 2012 - 9:33am
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two and a half years now. Everything about our relationship is great, I have never been happier. He is the first serious boyfriend I have had, as well as the man I lost my virginity to. We live together and plan on getting married and having kids when I finish school in a year. I am so happy and in love with him, but I am worried... we do not have sex often. Or usually at all.

When we began dating, we had sex all the time. I feel like in the past year is when it has really tapered off. At first I attributed it to the fact that we were living with his father and sister and it was hard to have that alone time. Then I attributed it to the unexpected passing of his father (11 months ago) which has been really hard on him. But lately, I can not help but think there may be something else wrong.

When we began dating, I was thinner--I had just lost 70lbs. I have gained a lot of it back, but so has he. We jokingly call it our "love chub." I know this could be a factor, but he tells me I am crazy for thinking that way, and we have both joined weight watchers and are losing the weight.

We go months without sex though. We have had sex once in that past four or five months. He still enjoys oral sex, but I always feel like I have to initiate it. And even then, it is usually me doing all the work without getting anything anything in return. This is getting harder to do so because I don't think I can take much more rejection. I have brought the subject up to him, but he always shuts down, says, "I don't know," then stops talking.

I don't think he is cheating on me as I just don't think he has the time to do it behind my back. I drop him off at work in the morning and pick him up in the evening, then we go home together. And we also tend to go out together. I found out he has been watching videos on youtube of naked girls, girls stripping, and dancing-not porn, just videos on youtube. I freaked out on him not because I care if he wants to watch this or porn, but the fact that he is obviously watching these videos for arousal and yet we have a non-existent sex life. I told him how worthless and shitty that made me feel and he said, "I'm sorry, I love you." Unfortunately we had this conversation while texting because I found the videos in our account history while he was at work. I haven't responded and I do not know how to respond. Did I over-react?

I am afraid this is going to do irreversible damage to our relationship. I want to be with him and marry him, but I'm afraid of what our marriage will be like if this problem is persistent in our dating life. I am also only twenty-two years old, he is only twenty-eight. I feel we are way to young to have this issue. I am too embarrassed to tell any friends or ask for advice from them. I just need to know that this isn't going to ruin us. I would also like to know if there are any ways to bring up the subject without him getting angry or avoiding it all together. Or do you think I am blind and that he may as well be cheating on me (I've checked his phone and facebook, no suspicious calls/texts/messages)... Please help!

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HERWriter Guide

Hi meh

Anon above makes some very good points.

Additionally, I suspect he is downloading porn and then deleting it. The fact that he won't have sex with you but you perform oral sex on him is an indicator that he only wants sex with a real woman if she's doing all the work. And this kind of sex is not intimate. He is turning away from an kind of intimacy. Stop giving him blow jobs without any intimacy with you in return, you're not a prostitute! 

Also, please DO NOT have such important conversations by text messaging! This need face to face communication!

Good luck!


February 15, 2012 - 10:41am
EmpowHER Guest

Your boyfriend is turning away from you instead of towards you for his intimacy needs. It may be due to a combination of things - but if you have attempted to talk about this before and all he says is "I don't know" and clams up - then realize that this is because of HIM, NOT YOU. I suggest finding a reputable sex therapist. If you're having sex less than once a month, you are technically in a sexless relationship. If he won't go to a sex therapist and won't make continual effort to share his needs with you by talking about them, etc. I would strongly consider leaving the relationship. Intimacy is an important aspect in a loving relationship.

February 15, 2012 - 10:13am
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