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Is it strange for a woman to have trouble with orgasms?

By January 26, 2009 - 8:12am
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I'm 18 years old and my boyfriend and I have recently become sexually active within the past week or so. It's only been twice, but the last time we had sex, I had trouble with having an orgasm. We had gone at it for awhile and he finally came, but it was difficult for us both for me to get to that point. I'm not dumb when it comes to sex, even though I'm 18. I've had orgasms before, some difficult, some not. But only a few were with boyfriends. I can't have one from penetration, but I can have one by stimulating the clit the right way... something that, sadly, my boyfriends couldn't get right. I'm the only one that can do it the right way cause I know what to do and what not to do I guess. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me though. And after awhile of trying to have one, I'll become dry. Which almost embarrasses me. I can't help it. And I fear that he'll think I'm not turned on by him. It's not that I'm not turned on, because really am. I can't help it. Is it like this for others, or am I the only one and just doomed for a sex life without many orgasms? Any help or advice would be strongly appreciated. Thank you.

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EmpowHER Guest

Can a woman get an orgasm without clitoral stimulation, only with penetration?

February 1, 2009 - 1:50pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Yes, orgasms are possible from penetration only. However, it is very common for women to not be able to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

February 27, 2009 - 6:21pm

Boston, it's actually very common. There are many women who are not as in tune with their bodies as you are and do not have orgasms at all. For women, orgasm is both a physical and mental thing -- we really have to be in the moment, and I have found that trying too hard actually works in reverse. Also, your ability to orgasm can sometimes depend on what part of your cycle you are in.

Mandy and Virginia gave you great advice. I would add to be patient with yourself. You're in fairly new territory here, and there's a lot going on. You are focusing on your limited experience with your boyfriend and believing that it might be like that all your life. You're spinning this forward and feeling badly about it instead of relaxing and understanding that anything new takes time.

It's fine and normal to have sex and sometimes not climax, for either partner. That's why it's so important to see the entire lovemaking experience as important, like Virginia said. If you focus only on "success" or "failure," you may not see how sweet a time this is with your boyfriend, and how lovely intimacy is with someone you love.

Here's an article about women and orgasm that will help you see what a common experience it is:


Take care, and be patient. And be sure to always practice safe sex, yes?

January 28, 2009 - 9:53am

Dear Boston18:

First of all, thank you for sharing your concerns and asking very important questions. Since I am much, much older than you, I hope you find value to what I have to share with you.

It is clear from your posting that you know your body very well and have found your "gee" spots. However, you stated that you have had intercourse with your boyfriend only twice so far. So, I doubt he has had enough time to learn to read your body. He is probably still thinking about his own pleasing (men are more practical about sexual matters). Once the fireworks or the newness are over and more opportunities for intimacy present, I think you will be able to guide him to places in your body you find more pleasurable. And if he really cares about the relationship or has the maturity to listen attentively, he'll become very good at it!

But remember, the art of love making should not be limited to the physical act alone. There are emotional components to the process that will surface as you both mature in the relationship. Women tend to enjoy foreplay longer than men, if you have not done much of this, I suggest you try taking time to do it as it will prepare your body better before penetration.

Your brain is also an important part of the love-making process as it will direct the right physiological responses to the right places and at the right time, including lubrication when needed.

The measure of successful sexual performance is not only based on how many orgasms you achieve each time you have sex, but about how the "love-making" encounter brings two people closer physically, emotionally and spiritually. This is possible with the willingness of both partners to commit to building intimacy.

I wish you well.

January 27, 2009 - 12:32am

It's not uncommon, I think just about every female has had to deal with this in some way. The first thing I would do to fix the dryness is get a water based lubricant(so it won't affect a condom). Then show your boyfriend how you like to be touched, that's the only way guys know and learn. If you are very concerned about it talk to a gyno about it.

January 26, 2009 - 10:25am
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