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is it too much to ask for??

By November 5, 2010 - 12:59pm
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its been about five months since i found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with a good mutual friend that we both work with. i was heart broken, confused, and just didnt know what to do....i was in shock. i couldnt believe that would happen to me especially with someone i considered a good friend. a friend of mine had told me, she told me the whole story and that it happened well over a year ago when me and him were just a recent couple. so i stopped talking to the girl and i confronted my bf about it. he wanted to deny it first because he didnt think i knew the whole story but once i told him i couldnt do this anymore he decided to come clean. he said he wasnt even sure when it happened that it happened so long ago and how sorry he was that it was a mistake. they were both out with ppl from work and had one too many drinks. everyone ended up at her house by the end of the night and thats when it happened. i love him so much that i believed everything he told me that he would never ever do it again that he loves me and doesnt know what he would do without me. so i stayed(we have been living together for almost two years now). now i have no relationship with the girl. it was unbelievably hard for me since we all worked together to try and get over it. but who could blame me. i was still so angry inside not only that it happened but that it took me so long to find out. so god answered my prayers recently and she got fired from my work. i couldnt be happier. but ever since i found out about everything my bf said that they were still good friends and they talked here and there while at work. i told him that they were no longer to go out together no matter if it is with a group or not. and he agreed. i figured asking him to quit talking to her all together would make work kind of awkward so i kept my mouth shut and tried not to let it bother me as bad as it did. so my question now is do you think that after all ive been put through...the humiliation and the heart ache, it would be much to ask for that he doesnt speak to her AT ALL? since we never see her or hear from her anymore because of her getting fired. i feel that its about respect. that he should respect my feelings and do as i ask if he truely wants to be with me. i feel like they lost the right to be friends that night when they decided to do whatever they did. is this too much to ask for? or is it just me being insecure? i want to bring it up but dont know how he will react...

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Thank you so much...we ended up talking about it last night and I told him how I felt about it and that I wouldn't feel comfortable with him talking to her at all. He told me he understood what I was saying and he know that it hurts me but i cant tell him who he can and can't talk to. The more we kept talking I notice that he was getting annoyed a little bit but I started to realize that he was right. But another problem that I've been noticing is that when we're together I'm so happy but when he's at work or out somewhere I feel so angry inside. I just think too much about everything that we've been through and I read too much into everything. I sometimes feel like there are so many more things that I don't know about. I think to myself like if he were to keep this and lie to me about this theres gotta be other things that he's done.....is that normal to feel so angry still? Even since its been like five months that I've known about this....will these feelings ever go away?

November 6, 2010 - 12:15pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to mayrita28)

Hi mayrita28,

Thanks for updating us with more information.

I agree that cheating does not have to mean a relationship has to end but I also think that asking him to have no contact with this other woman is perfectly acceptable and realistic.

The fact that he told you he understood where you were coming from yet making sure he told you that you can't tell him who he can and cannot talk to is a huge warning sign for me and indicates he does not understand where you're coming from and doesn't particularly care to.

I would be hesitant to "get over it" since he doesn't actually seem to have much regret based on his attitude. In THIS case, I think you have every right to ask that they have no contact and if he is not prepared to honor your request out of respect for your feelings then my advice is to be careful in your relationship and to hold out on trusting him until he proves to be trustworthy. He has not done that yet. A man who cheats on his partner should try to walk on water for her, not tell her he "gets it" but he can still be in contact with this woman whether his partner likes it or not. I don't like that whole scenario at all because I'm not seeing any remorse from his actions.

Take care of yourself, mayrita

November 7, 2010 - 6:47am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Mayrita,

Thank you for the clarification. From an outsider looking in, it appears that they do not contact each other and the infidelity happened once and didn't happen again. The more your boyfriend and you had a relationship, there appears to be no contact besides friendly. Yes, it is certainly hard when the three people involved here are friends (or were friends).

As long as there is a clear distinction about how you feel towards this girl and your boyfriend is in agreement that they will not associate with each other, I think you should be fine in the sense of your relationship. People do make mistakes sometimes and it is okay to forgive them.

It will certainly hurt because you feel betrayed by both your boyfriend and the so-called friend. It is completely fine to feel the way you do. You cannot, however, force someone to never see each other or run into each other again. Just remember that he chose you to be with and not her and it appears that he agrees that the separation of the two of them is beneficial to YOUR relationship.

It is okay to be upset but don't let this ruin your relationship. It was a long time ago that it happened, it is just new to you since you found out recently. Keep us posted and good luck.


November 6, 2010 - 5:52am

No not at all...they don't speak at all....but I know that if they were to bump into each other somewhere they would talk to each other and most likely hug and ask each other how they've been. And that's what I don't want. It makes me feel really uncomfortable just to think about it. It would make my stomach turn to see them speak at work even if it was all about work. I have no respect for that girl anymore. I trusted her and she pretended like nothing ever happened and just smiled in my face. I would even ask her for advice about me and him sometimes. and she still wasn't woman enough to say anything. If I stayed with him I want him to respect my wishes and be a little sensitive towards that topic because it still hurts a little bit

November 5, 2010 - 4:21pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Mayrita

Thanks for your post and for finding EmpowHER!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I read through your post twice and it seems like she has been fired and you two only knew her through work. So how are they still in contact? Is he calling/texting/emailing/going out with her still? Is she? Can you clarify this?

November 5, 2010 - 1:28pm
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