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Is it unusual to date somebody for 4 months and have minimal sex?

By Anonymous August 3, 2009 - 9:58pm
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 4 months. I am 30 and he is 33. He works in Africa for approx 5 weeks at a time and is home 4.5 weeks (off the whole time). Wjen he is home we try to spend as much time as we can together and while he's away we talk on the phone once or twice a week and chat through facebook or msn.
When he came home on May long weekend we spent the whole entire weekend together - sleeping at eachothers places, had lots of sex, made dinners together and spent a lot of time together during the week (while I was working) and we even took a quite weekend getaway the weekend before he left for Africa again. During that time our sex life seemed to be perfectly normal, but this past trip home our sex life has been almost nil!

When he flew home this time I was just starting to get sick (I had strep throat and wound up home from work for a week) we had amazing sex that night, but we didn't have sex while I was sick. He was very attentive though - brought me soup, stopped in for an hour to see me and say hello a few times, ect.
When I was finally starting to feel better he had to fly out of town for 4 days, so we only had sex one time during the first week and a half when he got home. The day after he arrived in town from his trip we were both driving back to my hometown for my aunt's wedding. I rented a hotel room so we would have lot of privacy, but we still didn't seem to have a lot of sex...??!! We had sex the first night we arrived, he was a little too tipsy the night of the wedding so we had sex in the morning but we haven't had sex since - and its been 3 days and we are both at home. I'm used to a lot more sex in relationships and wondering if I should be worried or not?? Hes been home for 17 days and we've had sex 3 times. I understand that I was sick and he was gone some of the time but I find this unusual for us as we are so young and so new!!??

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HERWriter Guide

Dear Anon,

Thanks so much for your question and welcome!

"Is it normal?" when it comes to relationships is a tricky and highly subjective area. Why? Because what's normal for one couple is completely abnormal or unacceptable for another.

Normal is what feels ok and good and right for you. Normal is what doesn't hurt your life, your work, your relationships.

Strep throat is very painful for the sufferer and contagious so he was smart not to have intimate contact with you.

I'm not sure if I'd be concerned that you haven't had sex for three days. I agree that since you're in a new relationship (that is sexual) it might seem a long time, especially if you want it more! But I wouldn't fret over three days. If everything else is wonderful in the relationship, try to not fret over it.

Anon - have you made the moves on him? If so, what does he do when you approach him for sex? Does he make excuses or just change the subject? Or are you waiting for him to approach you?

If he has only been home 17 days and you were sick for a week and then he was gone for 4 days, and you've had sex 3 times, that sounds quite reasonable - at least from a mathematical standpoint!

A long distance (and you really have a long distance!) relationship is tough. I had one myself for several years. They only work if there is a goal at the end; the goal being that you will ultimately live in the same area for the relationship to work. If you have only been together 4 months and he has been gone for half of it, the relationship is really brand new, no matter how much you email or IM. How long is this relationship going to be the way it is now?

Please give us a little update so we can help you more!

August 5, 2009 - 11:38am
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